


First and Foremost I Love You

by SunMonTue



Series: 'First' Series [3]
Category: Glee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-10-07
Updated: 2014-08-19
Packaged: 2017-11-15 19:09:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 51,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/530707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunMonTue/pseuds/SunMonTue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to First Day. Set after “On My Way” Sebastian and Dave become friends, and then more. This is the sequel of them starting their lives at college in New York. Kurt and Sebastian are room mates.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s note: My thanks to Ape31 for assisting SO much as I planned this out in my head. I don’t know how long it will be exactly, but not that long I don’t think (HA! I always say that). As per the chapter titles this will be a little like “Tree without Blossoms” and have a timeline of sorts (basically expect time lapses between months/chapters – unless I end up posting multi-chaptered months. Again.)
> 
> This fic will have lots of smut – I think if you’ve read First Day then you probably expected that. Just warning you incase you feel like complaining about it, thinking I am somehow not aware of the amount of smut I write.
> 
> Updates will be sporadic as chapters will be longish (~4,000 words). I want to finish some of my other fics first before focusing on this, but I just had to get this out of the way because it’s been kind of blocking up my mind on the other stuff.

**CHAPTER ONE -**   **SEPTEMBER**

 

            He pushes the door open with his foot, arms straining as he struggles with the shopping bags. He doesn’t know why he turned down Dave and Sebastian’s offer to help, because he  _always_  buys more than what is on the list, his self-imposed budget completely shot to hell. It doesn’t help that he pays no rent, just a share of the utilities, which he’s sure Sebastian’s parents only make them pay to show Sebastian what it’s like in the real world. He’s pretty sure a spacious, four-bedroom designer-decorated apartment is  _not_  the real world. Not  _his_  real world. Well. It wasn’t.

            It’s quiet, which he decides to savor for the time being. Not that Sebastian is an overly noisy person, or Dave either, but getting some time to himself is rare. What has surprised him the most about living with Sebastian is that he actually enjoys it. For all that Sebastian can be a complete asshole, it’s become tempered with what he now knows if Sebastian’s softer side. Combined with the complete teddybear that Dave is he’s started to really enjoy spending time with them. They seem to truly make an effort about including him in things and not making him feel like a third wheel.

            Sebastian asks about Blaine on an almost daily basis, and now that he knows Sebastian isn’t after Blaine for himself he can actually see it as Sebastian giving him an excuse to talk about Blaine. Think about him. Be allowed to miss him. They talk on the phone and Skype and text each other almost constantly throughout the day, but it doesn’t make up for the fact that he  _isn’t there_. Not that he would change that. School is amazing. He feels so at home there, comfortable, even if everyday he’s pushed and challenged. He accepts those challenges with open arms, knowing they will make him a better performer, and that’s what he wants to be. Probably. He wonders sometimes when he’s lying in bed, alone and in the dark, what he’d have done if he hadn’t gotten in. If he’d found another way out of Lima.

            He unpacks the shopping bags, hoping that the ingredients are what Dave wanted. He’s never completely sure, and since his cooking lessons he’s become more and more adventurous, and he’s been enjoying spending time with him in the kitchen. Sebastian just seems amused by them, as if they’re kids playing in a sandbox and makes jokes about them being there just to feed him.

            Comments like that have meant that it’s not all been plane sailing. It’s taken them a good month to stop jumping down each other’s throats wielding knives. Sebastian has also borrowed his clothes without asking, he’s finished off the last of the milk and not replaced it, and they both seem quite willing to resort to yelling at each other at the slightest provocation. It’s a good outlet sometimes, and more than once he’s deliberately done something to piss Sebastian off with the sole aim being so he can yell at someone. He could never yell at Dave – he’s all quiet reasonableness, discussed differences of opinion and doesn’t raise his voice very often at all. They balance each other out beautifully.

            He finds their relationship quite fascinating to watch, it being so vastly different from his one with Blaine. They are openly affectionate with each other within the confines of the apartment, and he’s walked in on them making out more times than he can count. What he hasn’t heard are any words of love, and he curious if they are whispered between sheets, softly quiet, or if they have ever been spoken at all. He’s curious, but he won’t ask. He knows they care about each other, and maybe that’s enough for them.

            He packs away the last item and heads for the living room, rolling his shoulders to try and ease some of the tension caused by lugging the bags back from the store. He’s just about sitting down when the completely melted tub of ice cream catches his eye and he swoops down and grabs it off the table, staring with horror at the watermark it leaves behind. It’s Italian and wooden and probably worth in the same ballpark as his first years tuition at NYADA. Even though it wasn’t him that left it there, he’s pretty sure this is what Sebastian’s parents saying that maybe living with Kurt will make him a little more responsible.

            “Sebastian!” He calls out, and he knows he’s home because his keys were still on the bench where he insists on leaving them. He hears muffled voices and  _of course_  Dave is here. He tries to keep his yelling at Sebastian to a minimum when Dave is around, but he’s kind of annoyed right now. It’s not just about the water mark, or leaving food go to waste, but also the fact that this morning Sebastian  _ate his breakfast_ , and hadn’t even seemed the least apologetic about it.

            “Sebastian!”

            He knocks on the door again, harder this time, glaring at it and foot tapping impatiently and half tempted to kick the door, if he didn’t know it’s solid oak and would do more damage to his toes than he to it. Plus they can probably barely hear him yelling through the door. So he raises his voice.

            “Sebastian Smythe you come out right now or I swear I will go and buy some orange dye and put it in your next load of laundry!”

            The door opens and Dave steps out, closing the door behind him, looking decidedly embarrassed.

            “Uh, he’s a little tied up right now. Something I can help with?”

            Dave is naked. Well, not quite. He’s only wearing boxers, and he’s gotten used to a fair amount of skin being on show because Sebastian wanders around in his underwear, but this is  _Dave_  in just his underwear. He’s actually not going to look down to confirm. Instead he stares at the hair on Dave’s chest, matted together with something sticky and  _oh god_ … Tied up? He snaps his jaw shut, all thoughts of yelling gone, and he’s  _not_  going to think about them like that.

            “Nope! Nothing! Just… go back to whatever you were doing!”

**FAF**

            “Oh fuck, I think Kurt thinks I have you tied up in here…”

            “Well, it wouldn’t be the first time.”

            “Seb!”

            “I couldn’t answer his lovely dulcet tone covered in chocolate sauce. It looks like war paint.”

            “It’s  _meant_  to look that way. And now I get to lick it off…”

            “That’s the plan…”

            They grin at each other and then he’s back on the bed, his body resting on all fours above Sebastian as he reaches down and licks a stripe up his chest. They’d started off feeding each other ice-cream, pretending they needed it to cool down. Of course it had had the opposite effect, with Sebastian muttering about being too hot and Dave telling him to take his shirt off. That’s when they’d relocated to the bedroom, Dave taking the chocolate sauce because of his plans for it. While Kurt is an easy going roommate, he’s pretty sure walking in on them having sex on the sofa would give him a heart attack. And not because it’s some fancy sofa he can’t pronounce the name of. Sofas shouldn’t have names anyway.

            A hand strokes his cock through his boxer-briefs, and he ignores the fact that he just stood in front of Kurt pretty much naked. Sebastian’s arching his body up, demanding attention, and really, his self-confidence is in a much better place than a year ago. He feels all sorts of sexy when he’s like this with Sebastian.  _Knows_  he is.

            “Don’t fuck around, just… god, what are you going to do?”

            He grins, because he  _was_  going to draw it out for a long while, which is actually possible now that he’s not as aroused as he was prior to being interrupted by Kurt. Unlike Sebastian, who seems to get off on the idea of a potential audience and was no doubt stroking his cock the entire time Dave was talking to Kurt. Also it isn’t often that he gets _complete_  carte blanche.

            “I’m going to make you  _beg for it_.”

            Sebastian groans, and it isn’t a sound of complaint at all, but one of anticipation. He can tell the difference much easier now, and he licks over a tan nipple, darker from the summer sun and also chocolate sauce, then sucks. Pulling back he blows over the now slightly swollen tip and then moves to the other one. They’re sensitive, have somehow become  _more_ sensitive since they got together, Sebastian swearing it’s because of the amount of attention Dave pays to them. Which he has no issues with whatsoever. Guilty as charged.

            He knows what his tongue does to Sebastian now, how, when’s Seb’s felling horny (which is a vast majority of the time); Dave can make him semi-hard simply by eating food the right way. Licking the rim of his coffee cup suggestively always guarantees being dragged to the bedroom, and the one time he’d mistakenly done it in public he’d gotten spanked. The idea of which he’d found intriguing and in practice had found fucking hot, in the right circumstances.

            He worries still, that maybe Seb will get bored of him, but then he forces himself to stop worrying. There’s nothing he can do about it except ensure Seb  _talks_  to him. He definitely talks, to his therapist, and Kurt, and also to Sebastian. Life is better than good now and he knows no matter how dark some days might get there will always be reminders of how bright and good things can be.

            He traces his fingers feather-light over Seb’s cock, savors the swearing Seb mutters at him because it’s not hard enough, and lets a laugh rumble in his chest and does it again, possibly even lighter and he gets a slap to his upper arm. He grabs Seb’s hand, slipping to the wrist and pinning it above his head. He knows Seb could easily twist free, his other hand is completely free and he thrusts his hips down, dragging his cock over Sebastian’s lower body. It’s messy, there’s fucking chocolate sauce everywhere now, but it’s the day the sheets are washing anyway. A task he’s had to teach Sebastian how to do, much to the joint horror and amusement of Kurt, who refused to teach him himself.

            He sucks a path down Seb’s neck and onto his chest, leaving a trail of already fading tiny red ovals. He tastes like chocolate of course, but with sweat-salty undertones and the bitter taste of his aftershave. He releases Seb’s wrist, moving his hand to cock instead and this time he grips firmly.

            “Fuck  _yes_.”

            “Mmm.”

            He knows Seb wants it hard,  _fast_ , but he goes slowly. Firm, but slowly, Seb’s hips thrusting and trying to speed the pace. He ignores him, moves his other hand to push down on his hips to slow him down. He licks, and he’s not really going for seduction, more the maddening tickle of being licked clean, his hand’s slow motion keeping Seb hard and panting. He knows what he’s going to do next, once he has Sebastian mainly chocolate free. He swirls his tongue over nipples, releases his cock and pulls back, hopping off the bed completely.

            “What – where are you going?”

            “Nowhere. Roll over.”

            “Oh  _fuck_ …”

            Sebastian waits until he’s pulled his underwear off to roll over, eyes raking up his body and cock twitching. He watches as Seb arranges himself, moving pillows and kicking the sheet to the side, still swearing under his breath. He moves slowly, knows the build up is a big part for Sebastian. He grabs the required necessities from a basket they keep under the bed before just standing back and appreciating the sight of Sebastian spread before him.

            His skin is even more golden hued because of summer, and there are a couple of new freckles which he’s quite partial to, and the tan line, well, he’s quite partial to that too. Seb’s ass looks good no matter what the color, and he moves to the edge of the bed, careful not to touch it yet. Seb has buried his head in a pillow, deliberately hiding his eyes because he doesn’t want to know where Dave is. Just  _anticipating._  He admires the smooth curve of ass cheeks, the muscled thighs and calves, all bunched as he kneels, displaying his ass. The first time he did this he was a nervous wreck, but now he knows it’s the best way to get Sebastian begging, and also to virtually guarantee that he’ll come when Dave does fuck him.

            “Are you just going to stare all day?” Seb snaps, although it’s slight muffled so the tense tone is ruined slightly.

            “Maybe. The view is pretty amazing. Don’t try and tell me you think otherwise.” He’s never met anyone as cocky and self sure of their body as Sebastian.

            “You can stare  _after_ , just stop… well, I’d say stop fucking around but that’s exactly what you’re  _not_  doing…”

            Grinning he leans forward, gripping an ass cheek in his hand and massaging it, enjoying the feel of Sebastian pushing back into his hand. Then he moves forward, kneeling behind him, hand going to Seb’s other ass cheek and giving it the same treatment before spreading them and just looking at the tight ring of muscle. Leaning down he ghosts warm breath, working his tongue in his mouth to gather some saliva before curling his tongue and dragging it upward from Seb’s balls to his tailbone, letting his saliva dribble out, warm and wet. He hears and feels Seb moan and grins. This always shuts him up. At least for a while.

            He doesn’t let it go cold, repeats the same swipe of tongue,  _slowly_. Repeatedly. He knows this has to be torturous for him, given how turned on he is, but he has the time and patience right now to really make Sebastian fall apart. Seb seems to know what he’s planning, can hear him muttering under his breath, too muffled to make out words, but he doubts they’re complimentary. He’s methodical, slowly increasing the speed and pressure, adding an extra press at the hole as he swipes past it.

            He’s got a hand on Seb’s cock again, still stroking in the slow firm pattern, stopping him from touching himself and he feels quietly evil. As always when he does this Sebastian seems torn about thrusting into his hand, or back onto his tongue, and he knows half the sounds coming from him are due to his indecision. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, practice has made him much more proficient. His tongue and jaw and muscles, fuck, his entire body, can go for much longer now, drawing this out for far longer than Sebastian can hold out. They know this, they’ve tested it out, many times, just to prove their theories right. They like testing theories.

            When he finally makes a concerted push with his tongue it’s met with a long approving groan and Seb is pushing against his tongue now, clearly wanting this penetration over his cock getting attention. He notes that and brings his hands back, spreading the cheeks wide again, deliberately dragging his cock over the arch of Seb’s foot as he repositions himself, tongue making circles and presses forward, loosening the relaxed muscle even further.

            “ _Fuucck_ …”

            Another thing he’s gotten far more practice doing is opening lube one handed, although he guesses the flip-top tubes and pump bottles that came in the gift basket aren’t exactly meant for two hands. He spreads a little on his finger with his thumb, and he knows Seb has heard the snap of the lid, the pushing against his tongue as he licks and presses suddenly a lot more insistent. He wants  _more_. That’s what that means and he digs his fingers into the flesh of his ass cheek.

            He pulls his mouth away and slides one finger in and there’s just the grinding down of Seb’s pelvis onto his finger and he grips his ass again, places an open mouth sucking kiss on the other ass cheek and starts fingering him. He knows one finger isn’t enough for what Seb wants, but this isn’t about getting him off fast. He slides the finger in an out, not big enough and not fast enough, and he grins, huffing a quiet laugh which he knows Seb hears because he hears quite a clear  _‘fuck you’_.

            He goes back to licking, and this still feels a little like a contortionists act, but he rests his weight on his legs, deliberately dragging his cock against the back of Seb’s legs again, over the line where his ass cheeks meet his thighs. He dribbles a bit more lube, knowing that he will think it means another finger. But he doesn’t add another. Not yet. He wraps his slick hand around Seb’s cock, harder and faster now, leaning over to bite him semi-softly on the shoulder.

            “Feeling alright?”

            “Fuck off…”

            He laughs quietly and thrusts against his hip, sliding in a second finger and twisting. He speeds up and goes back to paying attention to Seb’s ass, letting more saliva drop onto his fingers as his over hand works his cock, and he has a rhythm or pull-push-slide which never fails to have Seb falling apart. He always wants Seb to enjoy this as much as he does and Seb groans. His own cock is hard, balls tight between his legs.

            “Fuck Dave, please. Please just… fuck me. I’ll even say it, I’ll  _beg_  you… just… fucking  _please_.”

            “Not yet…”

            He says it just to see what he’ll do, his hands already drawing away, reaching for a condom and then Seb is rearing back and twisting, pushing him down onto his back and his head is almost hanging off the edge. He takes the condom from his hand and tears it open with his teeth, sliding it down his cock without even looking and he shifts slightly at the contact.

            “You are a huge fucking torturous  _bastard_.”

            He grins, because he’s not apologetic in the least, his heart racing as Sebastian straddles him, rising up on his knees, hand still holding his cock and then Seb is lowering himself onto his cock and he lets out a long low breath which turns into a moan of satisfaction. They move together now with practiced ease, his slow upward motion met with more insistent downward pressure and he has to admit to this position being his favorite; being able to see every part of Sebastian and his own cock pushing into him.

            He can feel his cock dragging and pushing through tight heat and he knows Sebastian is already close, one of the benefits of rimming and fingering him until he actually begs, or takes over. Or both he realizes, letting out a soft huff of amusement. Sebastian has closed his eyes, hands resting on Dave’s chest as he moves his body in rolling waves and he is sometimes just hit with how beautiful Sebastian is. He brings his knees up to help support him and then wraps his still sticky hand around Seb’s cock again. He doesn’t go slow this time, he grips and moves with what he knows Sebastian likes the most.

            “You are going to fucking kill me…”

            “But what a way to go huh?” He replies, thrusting up and grinning.

            Their bodies are sticky with sweat, chocolate and pre-come, moving together in an ever increasing frantic pace and he wants to hold back until Seb comes. He can do that now, judge pretty accurately what will get him off and he digs his fingers into his thigh, urging him to move faster. They can’t talk, not coherently, just truncated names and epithets with  _yes yes yes_  mixed with  _harder, come on, fuck, please, oh god._

            His hand moves faster in response to Sebastian’s pleas, his own hips thrusting in small fast upward jerks as he feels the tell-tale clenching tightness of his ass around his cock as Sebastian comes, spattering onto his stomach and chest. He doesn’t stop moving, continues to grind down on him before running a thumb through his own come and sucking it off and he groans, letting all the built up pressure and energy explode out of him, collapsing down onto the bed and letting himself ride out the twitching aftershocks. Sebastian rests on him, squelching the come between them and he laughs a bit at the sound, but he knows they are having a nice long shower now anyway, after Sebastian is finished nuzzling into his neck anyway.

            “Fucking hell,  _how_ does that just keep getting better?” He asks, voice almost a whisper and he grins, feeling a sense of warmth and contentment completely unrelated to his orgasm wash through him and just murmurs an agreement.

**FAF**

            He didn’t think it would work, but it is. He doesn’t like it sometimes, is jealous of the way Dave and Kurt are with each other. It had taken his a while to actually figure that out because he’s never cared enough about anyone to be  _jealous_ of them before. But he cares about Dave. Loves him. Fuck. He grins at the sleeping man beside him and just feels so ridiculously happy that he feels like bursting into laughter at odd moments. However seeing Dave happy, relaxed and  _at home_ in his apartment is more than he could ever ask for. Kurt makes Dave happy as well, and he’s accepted that.

            He hadn’t expected that he and Kurt would become friends as well. Not friends like he and Dave are, but he actually enjoys yelling at him now, and he’s pretty sure Kurt enjoys yelling back. It’s tempered with tickets to shows, he tried taking Dave to one and when he had to wake him up he’d realized that shows were  _not_  Dave’s thing. However he’ll happily sit through a classical music concert. These dichotomies are what he likes about Dave. Loves about him. They go to sports games, neither of them are picky about what sport, and then they’ll go to music concerts, usually inviting Kurt along, because he knows he misses Blaine and that seeing a couple constantly in front of you can’t be easy.

            That he even cares about what Kurt feels tells him that Dave has softened him, because he’d never have even though of it before, but now finds himself actually  _caring_  about how Kurt is feeling. Of course, it helps that when Kurt is in a good mood he’s much easier to live with. And he’s been trying to desensitize him, because he walks around in the biggest fluffiest bathrobe he’s ever seen, even in the middle of summer, like somehow showing a bit of skin was in some way bad. He’s not ashamed of his body, and he can admit that Kurt isn’t exactly ugly. But Kurt doesn’t seem to know that, think it, whatever. It’s not his place to care about Kurt’s body issues though, but he does wonder what Blaine has said to him, because surely a guy should worship his boyfriend right? That’s how he thinks it works. How it works for him and Dave anyway and that thought has him smiling again

 


	2. OCTOBER

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not in a polyamorous relationship, but I have three people in my wider circle of friends that have been in a relationship together for eight years. When I see them together it is very obvious to me that they all love each other very much, however I don’t think it in anyway qualifies me to write a polyamorous fic. Despite that, I am still giving it a shot.

            NYADA is _hard_. It sucks all his energy away and he falls into his bed most nights barely able to focus on even undressing and putting his clothes away properly. All his performances are assessed critically, and while he shouldn’t mind the constructive criticism, it still prickles, makes him wonder whether he’s really cut out for performing and being at the mercy of critics for the rest of his life. Blaine and Rachel, when he manages to talk to them, both reassure him that he will develop a thicker skin. He just doesn’t know now if he really wants to.

            He gets homesick. Of course he does, especially listening to Blaine talk about everything familiar. He laps it up, it makes him feel close, not only to Blaine, but McKinley and the glee club and he never expected to miss Lima like this. Not that he doesn’t love New York, because he does, but he _does_ miss the people. He tries telling Blaine about New York, everything he loves (and hates), but after the first few times Blaine’s responses have shorted to uninterested sounding _hmm_ s and _oh yeah_ s. So he’s stopped sharing so much, instead sharing those stories with Dave and Sebastian, where they’ll compare funny stories and try and out-do each other.

            Those stories are often joint ones, and it throws into sharp relief just how alone he feels sometimes, and such an exchange has him calling Blaine late one night. Seeing him dressed in his pajamas, settled into his bed makes him grin at how _sweet_ Blaine looks and he feels instantly happy at the sight.

            “Hi. How are you going?” He smiles and listens as Blaine fills him in on the insane goings on, and now that he is one step removed from said going-ons, they seem even more insane. It fills him with longing, not to be back in Lima, but for them all to be here in New York, sharing his adventure with him.

            “I miss you.” _I miss everyone_.

            “I miss you too. But you’ll be home for Thanksgiving right?”

            “I already told you that I can’t… the school is putting on a holiday extravaganza. It was this or the Christmas one. And I want to come home for Christmas.” He wants to add a ‘ _remember?’_ onto the end, because he _knows_ he’s told Blaine all this already. “You could come up to New York instead?”

            The face Blaine pulls has him wishing that they were just on the phone, because Blaine clearly doesn’t like the idea of leaving Lima to come and see his boyfriend, which stings. _Hurts_. He lets out a frustrated sigh and changes the subject, back to something he knows Blaine will want to talk about.

 

**FAF**

 

            He feels bad sometimes, when he can tell Kurt misses Blaine. He supposes it’s a little selfish, but he wants Kurt to be happy. With Blaine. So he kind of has a vested interest in keeping their relationship going because even though he knows Dave loves him he wonders what Dave would do if he had the choice. It terrifies him like nothing ever has before, but he keeps it to himself, instead taking Kurt to shows he knows he’ll like, and because Dave would die of boredom. Except for Avenue Q, which Dave had liked, and he’s caught him humming ‘ _If you were gay’_ several times under his breath.

            When they’d initially moved in the plan had been to live at opposite ends of the apartment, with two bedrooms at each, separated by the kitchen, living and dining area. They wouldn’t have to even cross paths. Kurt had vetoed that after explaining that them cleaning that much space was impractical and that they didn’t have the benefits of him having a housekeeper make his bed every morning. He’d sniped something back about him being jealous, but he knows he lacks some rather basic everyday skills and knowledge. Less so now than a month ago though.

            So his parents still have their room at the other side of the apartment, his dad used to spend enough time in New York to warrant them having an apartment here full time. Now his mom uses it when she comes here to shop, or when they’re entertaining guests, which is what the other bedroom is ostensibly for. It’s been used by Kurt’s parents, and even a couple of their friends so far, and he is starting to appreciate just how lucky he is after attempting to spend one night in Dave’s dorm room. Not something he will ever be attempting again, but he’d wanted to give Kurt some space. Next time he’s just taking Dave to a hotel, although he doubts Dave will let him.

            “You guys make a cute couple.”

            “I think you missed out a word. We make a _hot_ couple. _Scorching_.”

            That at least makes Kurt laugh and roll his eyes, and he’s glad he can lighten his mood, because seeing Kurt down in the dumps actually makes him feel bad for the guy.

            “Of course you think that,” Kurt says, but he can hear the amusement in his tone, and he’s pretty sure Kurt is attracted to both him and Dave. Although for himself he’s pretty sure it’s for his body and not his sparkling wit… Dave is the entire package though, and he couldn’t blame Kurt for being interested. The little spike of fear-jealousy has him keeping Dave and Kurt separate for a few days before realizing he’s being irrational. He knows Dave noticed but was too sweet to say anything. He’s not sure if that’s a good sign or not.

 

**FAF**

 

            They’re noisy when they come home and he’s about to go out and yell at them to shut the hell up, because normal people are trying to sleep at two in the morning but then he hears it, the thump of a body hitting a wall followed by a breathless moan. He stops, hand halfway to turning his light on when they speak…

            “You’re a little cock tease sometimes, you know that right?”

            “Yeah…”

            “You were doing it on purpose weren’t you? Little shit…”

            “Yeah…” and he hears Sebastian laugh lowly.

            “Fuck Seb… the things you do to me…”

            He rolls his eyes. He’s still tempted to go out and yell at them, but that would require effort, and putting on a shirt, and they’re going to shuffle down to Sebastian’s bedroom any second now. Any second… _surely_? He can definitely hear shuffling, but it doesn’t sound like it’s moving further away, and he’s actually straining his ears to hear what they might be doing. _Was that a zipper?_

            “God Dave, _please_ …”

            He lets his head thunk back on the pillow, hoping it creates some noise, gives them some indication that they’re not actually alone. Except of course it’s a pillow and it makes no noise whatsoever. Instead he pulls it over his head, pulling it close to his ears and he _really_ hopes that this will muffle the sound. Or he could get up and get ear plugs. He’d brought some in anticipation for things like this, but had never needed them before. Or… his music! He could listen to music! He scrambles around his bed, trying to find his discarded music player, or even his phone, while keeping the pillow as firmly fastened to his head as possible. Except it slips and it’s now somewhere beneath his bed. This can’t be happening.

            “That’s what you’ve been angling for all night?”

            “Yes. Now please… just…”

            “God Seb, you could just ask you know.”

            “Where’s the fun in that?

            There’s obviously some conversation points he’s missing, and as he scrambles around underneath his bed he tries to ignore the fact that two guys are making out on just the other side of his bedroom wall. It’s… disconcerting. Yes. That’s what it is. _Definitely_.

            “Oh… you have a point. What, you want it here, right in the hall?”

            “I don’t care. Just as long as it’s soon. I just really need to be fucked right now. _Please_.”

            “God I love it when you say things like that, all needy and breathy and desperately horny. So fucking hot.” Dave’s voice, and he’s never heard it sound like that. Sebastian either. And he never really wanted to, but now he knows what they must sound like in the privacy of their own bedroom. _Where they should be going…_ He hears the clink of a belt buckle and he stares at his bedroom door in horror. They can’t actually be planning to have sex right outside his bedroom, _surely?_

            “No, not actually in the hallway…” Thank God! Dave is finally speaking some sense!

            “Why the fuck not?”

            “Because… I don’t really want Kurt waking up and interrupting us.”

            “He’s not here. Some study session turning into a girls night or some shit… he said he was staying over.”

            Fuck. Sebastian is right – he _did_ have a study session, but he decided to come home and now his best friend and roommate are planning on having sex in the hallway… The fact that his cock has filled, is hanging heavier between his legs, is equal parts embarrassing, arousing and humiliating. It’s been too long since he saw Blaine, since they tried (and failed miserably) Skype-sex. It had just been too funny for the both of them, so they’d given it up as a bad job.

            This though, the sound of deep grunts, muttered cursing and naked flesh slapping against naked flesh has him _hard_. He tries to dispel the image that it’s David and Sebastian, but the images keep flooding back, filling his mind with stretches of bared skin slick with lube and sweat. He finds them both attractive, more so than before, now that he counts them as friends, and he supposes he needs to have that kind of bond to be sexually attracted to someone… except nope, there’re quite a few exceptions to that rule.

            Now he’s _really_ regretting not trying harder at Skype-sex with Blaine, oh god, now he’s making bad puns in his own head. _Harder_. He really needs to take care of this… and Dave and Sebastian will never know. He repeats that over and over in his head as he gets back on his bed, music player still gripped tightly in his fist and he shoves it under his pillow for later, just incase he needs it. Swallowing he shimmies his hips so that his pants are twisted around his ankles, one hand going to his cock and the other covering his mouth. God he hopes they are too far gone to hear him, too far gone to be paying attention to other things going on around them.

            He licks his hand, not wanting to risk opening his draw because it sticks and makes way too much noise and he’s probably being paranoid but once his fingers close around his cock he really doesn’t care that it’s going to be a little rough and ready. He hasn’t had anything but his hand for comfort since he moved to New York anyway, and maybe the increased friction of just his hand will feel different. Better. It definitely _feels_ better, but that might be due to the sounds coming through the wall, and he knows Dave is fucking Sebastian, because the way Sebastian is going on it can’t be any other way.

            He moves his hand on his cock, up and down evenly, it already feels feverish hot, and maybe this is why people watch porn, the added stimulus, because the sound of them is definitely adding to his pleasure, which he feels a little shameful about, even just listening.

            “God, love it when you fuck me like this…”

            “You love it… any way I fuck you…”

            “Uh uh uh… yeah…”

            He wonders what it would be like to be with them, all of their bodies sliding together and he bites his hand, cheeks flaming hot under his forearm and he squeezes his eyes shut, trying to get rid of the images of their bodies sliding together, two mouths on his skin, hands everywhere, _lips_ and… Fuck. He grips and thrusts into his fist, knowing he’s close, much closer than the two outside his door, but they’re having sex on a daily basis… he’s _not._

            He comes it hot wet spurts, teeth biting into the ball of his palm, other hand continuing to stroke as he pulls his hand away from his mouth, taking in deep sucking breaths as quietly as possible. The headiness of his arousal and resulting orgasm fades too quickly and the guilt floods in, like he’s somehow sullied not only his friendship with Dave and Sebastian, but definitely his relationship with Blaine.

 

**FAF**

 

            He’s cooking the next morning, something Sebastian still has no real interest in, despite their joined cooking lessons over the summer. He definitely has a taste for the food Dave makes him though, plus enjoys watching him in the kitchen. He’s making omelets, the coffee machine (which is _ridiculous_ ) burbling away, and he knows the smell will draw Sebastian out of bed soon enough. The sound of shuffling feet has him turning to find a sleep rumpled Sebastian, hair sticking out at odd angles and on the verge of grumpiness. Coffee, food and a hot shower fix that. Or a blow job, but he’s not dropping to his knees while he’s cooking. He prefers his food without the added flavor of char. Or come.

            “Morning,” he says quietly, pouring coffee and trying not to show his amusement. It must shine through anyway because he gets a finger and then a quiet ‘ _thanks’_ and he watches as Sebastian strokes his thumb over his heart and he returns the gesture. He still can’t believe how easy this feels and he grins down at the omelet, poking it to see if it has set before sliding it into the oven for a minute of so. He feels Sebastian come and press his body against his back, placing a small kiss on the curve of his neck.

            “Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve you.”

            “Must have been in a previous life,” Dave says, throwing a grin over his shoulder before getting a poke to his side in return, making him laugh.

            “Morning!” Kurt greets, bouncing into the kitchen and he frowns, because he knows he didn’t hear the front door open. Sebastian is doing the same, although his grumpiness level has increased, Kurt’s effervescence first thing on the morning reminds him just how much he isn’t put together. He takes the omelet out of the oven and wonders if he could split it three ways. Yes, if he makes some toast.

            “Hey, you’re here. I didn’t hear you come in last night… you must have been really late. Or early this morning?” Sebastian asks, and he can hear the simply polite tone, can tell Sebastian isn’t really interested but is trying despite his lack of food and coffee.

            “Uh yeah… late.”

            He looks up and Kurt shifts his eyes away abruptly, and he looks embarrassed, as if… _oh fuck_. He knows then that Kurt must have been home before them. Had decided to come home early and… gone to bed. They hadn’t gotten in until two, both of them enjoying the music and dancing at the clubs. Sebastian had been flirting with anything that moved, and he’d not been phased until he realized that Sebastian was deliberately trying to make him jealous. He’d found it amusing, but had gone along with it, pinning Sebastian up against the wall of the club while he ground his cock against Dave’s thigh.

            They’d made out almost non-stop on the train home, not caring about other people, and stopping occasionally on the short walk from the station to run their hands over each others bodies. He’d been aching and hard in his pants when they’d got home, hadn’t really been paying attention to whether Kurt’s jacket was hung up near the door, he has so many of them anyway. And he’d rather been preoccupied with his boyfriend. That doesn’t stop the embarrassment now though, knowing Kurt probably heard them having sex. Fuck, for all he knows Kurt might hear them have sex all the time, it’s not like they’re quiet, keep it a secret or confine it only to nocturnal hours. They’re both equal opportunists when it comes to sex. He’s not sure how he feels about knowing that Kurt _heard_ them though. Definitely. Everything before has been hypothetical. This is rather more definite and he can feel that his cheeks are burning hot, but at least he can blame the oven.

 

**FAF**

 

            He’s not surprised at how quickly eats and then excuses himself, saying he has to go and practice or rehearse. The food and coffee have cleared his mind a bit, and he’s re-played the last thirty minutes. Dave’s sudden embarrassment, and his own realization that Kurt’s outer bedroom wall was christened last night. Probably been christened before, twice, if he knows his parents, and not necessarily together, but he doesn’t care about that. Last night it was him and Dave, and there wasn’t meant to have been a third person.

            He can tell Dave is upset, although he’s not sure by what exactly. The sex, or the fact that Kurt was home? Or…

            “Dave? You know I really didn’t think he was home, right? I didn’t –”

            Dave looks at him and he feels vulnerable at the look on his face, one of worry and something he can’t quite place, but it’s close to embarrassment. The thought that maybe Dave thinks he somehow _planned_ for Kurt to be able to hear them. He might feel a little jealous sometimes, but he doesn’t feel that need to lay a claim so blatantly. It’s obvious Dave loves him.

            “I know. I know you would never… You were just as surprised as me this morning. I was, just, uh… surprised.”

            “Why? That he was home? He does live here you know.”

            “Shut up. I know that. No. I was -. No, don’t worry. It’s nothing.”

            “Pfft. Yeah right. There’s something and now I know there’s something I’m not going to let you go until you tell me…”

            He turns to face him, sliding his body and moving to straddle Dave’s legs. They’re sitting on the sofa in the lounge, watching a re-play of some game, although neither of them are paying attention to it now. They’re both still in their pajamas, or the clothes they refer to as their pajamas simply for Kurt’s peace of mind, because they both go naked in the bedroom.

            “What is it? If it’s not the idea that he heard making you embarrassed, then…” he rolls his hips and grins when Dave shifts and he can feel his cock filling. “Oh… you _like_ the idea? That he was listening? Could hear me screaming your name?”

            “Fuck up Sebastian…”

            “Oh…” He’s actually right, he can tell by the way Dave has tensed up, looking sad and angry and is trying to unseat him and move away. He presses back, making the most of the fact that Dave would never want to hurt him so would never use his full force. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Dave. Dave, look at me.” He cups Dave’s face in his hands, kissing him softly and rubbing their noses for a brief moment before pulling back.

            “It’s okay. You think I mind?”

            “No, I just feel like some things should be private.”

            “I have a roommate, its not possible all the time. So what if he heard us? So what if you find the idea hot? So do I,” Sebastian says, and he does actually, although he’s always been into voyeurism a bit, so the idea of Kurt watching is even _more_ of a turn on, but the way Dave is freaking out makes him keep those thoughts to himself.

            “You know you can say anything to me right? I won’t judge. I _love you_.”

            It’s only the second time he’s actually ever said the words out loud, and like the last time he gets the same enthusiastic response, Dave’s hands on his hips, and now that he’s not trying to buck him off he lets Dave lift him, and grins as he gets carried to the bedroom.

 

**FAF**

 

            They’re shopping for food. It’s the only type of shopping he’s gotten Dave to agree to, and only when he actually wants to cook a meal. He knows Sebastian has a late class tonight, and he likes these nights when it’s just him and Dave for a few hours. At least they’ve gotten over their mutual embarrassment since that night, Dave apologizing all red-faced when he’d gotten back to the apartment before fleeing for his dorm room. Sebastian had just laughed at Kurt’s own embarrassment and told him to lighten up, walking around shirtless for the remainder of the weekend and flaunting the bite marks and scratches on his skin like war wounds.

            “Can I ask you a question?”

            “Sure,” Dave replies, slightly distracted as he compares two different types of saffron.

            “You don’t need to answer, it’s just something I’ve noticed, and, well –”

            “Just spit it out. I won’t answer if I don’t want to.”

            “Right. Of course. Okay then. So. I’ve noticed that Sebastian never says that he loves you, and I guess he might say it in private, but I just thought… does that bug you? That he doesn’t tell you in front of other people?”

            He says it fast, like ripping off a Band-Aid, and he hopes Dave isn’t offended. All Dave does though is look at him, one eyebrow raised.

            “Have you heard me tell him I love him?”

            “Oh…”

            He hadn’t thought of that, that maybe they just _don’t_ love each other. Although, he’s _seen_ them together, the small things they do for each other, the touches when they think no one else is looking. To him, it’s _obvious_ that they love each other. Dave is watching his face, obviously amused and elbows him gently.

            “Seb doesn’t need to tell me. He shows me. Tells me in other ways.”

            “Oh. Right. I guess I’m just the type that needs to hear it. Blaine says it all the time.”

            Dave hums and nods.

            “The thing with Seb is that his words are sometimes the complete opposite of his intention, or his motivations. You kind of need to interpret him.”

            “Yeah, I’ve figured that out since living with him. Plus you’re a good influence on him. He’s far nicer now than he used to be.”

            Dave looks pleased at that, and he guesses he would be too if he was such a positive aspect in someone’s live. Then Dave looks around, as if checking to see if they’re being listened to, like he is about to impart a big secret.  
            “You want to know something?”

            “With that tone of voice and the super-secret look around? _Of course_!”

            “Have you seen Sebastian do this?”

            He watches as Dave lays a hand on his chest, over his heart and strokes downward with his thumb and he frowns. He’s definitely seen Sebastian do that, many times. Dave as well now that he thinks about it.

            “Oh. Huh. I thought that was maybe a nervous tick of something.”

            Dave laughs and shakes his head.

            “No, that’s just how we say I love you to each other without actually saying it out loud all the time. We _do_ say it out loud, just in case you were worried.”

            He’s still chuckling as he pops the saffron he’s selected into the basket and Kurt pokes his tongue out and pulls a face at him which just makes him laugh louder. It’s a nice sound.

 

**FAF**

 

            Some days Dave can’t believe how wonderful Sebastian is. And others he wants to just wrap his hands around his neck and shake some sense into him. Today is _not_ one of those days though, and he has to resist bouncing on his toes as they move closer to the front of the line. First game of the season for the New York Rangers and at MadisonSquareGardens. He can’t believe that he’s actually about to have this experience. Sebastian is grinning beside him, and he can’t believe that he’s just been given a season pass.

            He’ll have to figure out some way of repaying him back. Maybe go to a show or something, although Seb loves sport as much as him, and he’s pretty sure going to a show and falling asleep again would just serve to piss him off. They settle in their seats and the three hours of game _fly_. His throat feels raw from yelling, and he feels pumped with adrenaline from watching his team win. Sure he’d supported the Bobcats back in Lima, but they’re not playing and he’s a New Yorker now. He has to root for the home team.

            They talk about the game all the way home, rehashing different plays. It makes him miss playing a team sport, and he says so. Seb purses his lips and he knows then he should have probably kept quiet, although when he suggests that maybe they could take up something together he is immediately interested, although he can’t imagine Sebastian playing hockey or football, and he can’t see himself taking up soccer. Lacrosse though. He’d enjoyed that, at least the practices with the team, so that might be something. He wraps an arm around Sebastian’s shoulders as they walk and hugs him, simply kissing the side of his face when Sebastian gives him a ‘ _what the hell?_ ’ look.

 

**FAF**

 

            It’s nearing the end of the month when he hears it, the unmistakable sound of crying. He’s never heard Kurt cry before; he’s seen Kurt in various shades of angry, upset, happy and nearly everything in between, but _crying_. He doesn’t like it, mainly because Kurt would never show his vulnerability like this, to him especially, unless it was really bad. He knocks on the door frame, and he guesses Kurt thought the door was shut.

            “What’s wrong?”

            “Sebastian. Hmm? Oh. Nothing.” Sebastian snorts in disbelief and looks around the tissue-strew bed, takes in Kurt’s red-rimmed eyes. “ _Fine_ , if you really must know, I just got stood up.”

            “What? You had a date?” Sebastian asks, and he frowns, not really sure if Kurt had a date with someone else, and he’s missing something, or… no. He’s confused.

            “With _Blaine_ ,” Kurt says, clearly exasperated with him and he nods. “A Skype date.” Kurt adds, and he can tell he’s feeling a little better at least. Enough to be exasperated with him, which he’ll take as a good sign. And a Skype date makes more sense, he didn’t really think Kurt would cheat. He’s got the same moral code as Dave. Crying though, that needs to stop, although it already has. He needs to distract him though, cheer him up. He’s good at that now.

            “Come on, let’s go.”

            “What? Where?”

            “Going to take you to a show. Remind you why New York rocks.”

            “What? No, I can’t. We can’t. Dave is coming around to see you –”

            “He’ll understand. Come on.”

            “I can’t go out like this!”

            “Kurt you look _fine_ , as always. Now _come on_ before we miss the start.”

            He gives him a quick once over, assessing, and Kurt has to know that he’ll always be brutally honest with him. Kurt watches in quiet bemusement as Sebastian gather’s up scarves and gloves, throwing Kurt’s jacket at him and shoving his wallet and keys into his own pocket.

            “What are we going to see?”

            He shrugs.

            “Whatever hasn’t started and whatever we can get tickets to.”

            Kurt laughs, obviously thinking he’s a little crazy, but Sebastian just grins, letting himself be buoyed up by the sound.

 

**FAF**

 

            They see _The Accidental Pervert_ , having decided against _Five Lesbians eating a Quiche_ , although they both agree that maybe coming back another night to see that might be worth it. Sebastian insists on getting dinner, seeing as neither of them have eaten. He feels a flash of guilt at that, because Dave was meant to have cooked dinner, but he knows he’s okay, a text message from him earlier telling him he hopes he has a good night and to enjoy himself. Coming from the boyfriend of the man he’s currently having dinner with feels really weird.

            They place their orders, Sebastian ordering a bottle of wine with such ease that the waiter only pauses briefly before nodding in acceptance. He can feel the frown on his face though, the idea of someone drinking an entire bottle of wine.

            “Are you planning on getting drunk?”

            “I don’t get drunk.”

            “A bottle of wine Sebastian? That would get _anyone_ drunk.”

            “Firstly. I’m not going to drink it all. I’m going to give you a glass in the vain attempt to educate your palate, like my mother somehow managed with Dave, hopeless though it seemed to me at the time.” They share a smile. “I mean it though, I don’t get drunk. I appreciate my alcohol, slowly and with good food to bring out the flavors. I’ve been drinking since I was twelve, watered down wine to start, but I don’t need to drink and make an idiot of myself.”

            “And when you do such a good job without the alcohol too…” He grins, meaning it as a joke and when Sebastian laughs and rolls his eyes he relaxes a little, letting go a little. They talk, and it’s surprising how attentively Sebastian listens as he talks about Blaine. How he feels, about everything. This is a more serious side of Sebastian, one he hasn’t really had focused solely on him before and it feels intense. Weird but good.

            He listens in return as Sebastian instructs him to sip the wine, swirl it over his tongue and into his cheeks. He feels stupid, but the wine is either nicer than what he’s ever tasted before, or the slow instructions Sebastian is giving him are helping him enjoy the experience. It’s probably a combination. Unlike Sebastian he is _not_ used to drinking and despite the large main meal he devours he feels a little light headed toward the end.

            He can’t blame the alcohol for how much he talks though, that’s probably due to the fact that it’s the end of the week, he’d been saving up _so much_ to tell Blaine and then _nothing._ Just a text telling him he couldn’t make it. No explanation, nothing. It could be worse, he might not have gotten the text message at all, but it’s been almost an entire week since he spoke to Blaine. He misses him.

            “So go and see him. Work your ass off – I know you can’t go home for Thanksgiving, but there are three weekends between now and then. What about Veteran’s day, that falls on a weekend this year.”

            “I…”

            “Stop making excuses. Come on. I’ll even help pay for the ticket.”

            “If you wanted to get rid of me –”

            “Shut up. I’m just sick of you moping round the apartment and bringing me down. Come on, let’s get home to Dave.”

 

**FAF**

 

            They’re sitting in silence on the train, bodies rocking slightly with the motion and he can tell Kurt is feeling better, having already booked a flight home for the second weekend in November. It’s good, quiet companionship and if anyone had ever told him a year ago this was where he’d be now, his boyfriend, _boyfriend_ , at home in bed asleep waiting for him, and Kurt Hummel would be his roommate; he’d have wanted a restart button for his life. But he wouldn’t change it. They get off at their station and walk briskly, both now tired he guesses from another long week.

            “Do you ever jerk off to other people?”

            _That_ makes his eyes snap open, and _sure_ they’re the only ones in street, but…

            “Fucking hell. What kind of question is that?”

            He can’t tell, but he imagines Kurt is blushing bright red and he shakes his head.

            “Sorry, ignore me. Was just… thinking out loud.”

            “That’s the lamest excuse I ever heard. You have a question just ask Kurt.”

            Kurt huffs, and he knows he doesn’t like it when Sebastian calls him out like that, but it’s his own fault. He swipes them into the building and presses the up button for the lift. Kurt is silent for a little while, but he can tell he’s thinking over what he wants to say.

            “Just, when you… are alone. Which I know isn’t often, with Dave here all the time, but _before_ …” Kurt pauses, and is probably thinking along the lines that he doesn’t exactly have a lot, if any, relationships to compare this to. He gets what Kurt is asking, but he doesn’t know why… They enter the apartment and only the dimmer lights are on and he smiles at Dave’s thoughtfulness.

            “Yeah. Of course it’s normal to imagine other people. Celebrities. Strangers. Imaginary people. Imaginary situations. Fuck. Anyone.”

            “Friends?”

            “Well, yeah. Wait…” The thought that Kurt could be talking about Dave completely blindsides him and makes his stomach clench uncomfortably. “Who were you thinking of?”

            “No one. Don’t worry, it’s not important. Just curious. Thanks!”

            With that Kurt steps into his bedroom and closes the door and he doesn’t know what to do except…

            “It’s okay to jerk off over me Kurt, I know I’m hot!”

            “Oh god! Fuck _off_ Sebastian!”

            He laughs quietly and he can hear Kurt laughing on the other side of the door as he head down to his bedroom and to where Dave is waiting for him.

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do I need to warn for Blaine being… self-absorbed? Also I searched and searched for something but could find no reference of it. If someone works out what it is (because I’ve screwed up and got it wrong – please let me know. There is a good chance I have never mentioned it though and it’s just doing my head in because I think I have.)

 

            Now that he knows what to look for he sees Dave and Sebastian exchange their silent _‘I love you’_ multiple times a day when they are together. He likes it actually, the fact that it is silent. It doesn’t make him feel like so much of a third wheel when they sit and watch movies together. Sure Dave and Sebastian will hold hands, but compared to other couple he knows their public displays of affection are totally manageable. He enjoys seeing them together and knowing he’ll be seeing Blaine in just a two short weeks helps.

            He takes Sebastian’s advice and throws himself into his classes, talking to his teachers and lecturers about his planned time off so if they have any plans of springing surprise assignments they can maybe take pity on him. There are no surprise tests or assignments though, and he continues to do well, positive feedback making him feel good, but not quite good enough to make up for the sometime less-than-constructive criticism he gets thrown at him.

            He flies into Chicago, catching the train down to Lima, because he worked it out to be the fastest and cheapest way. He’s exhausted when he arrives, it’s almost midnight but he knows Blaine is expecting him to call, or text, so as soon as his dad has blearily said goodnight after giving him a tight hug he pulls out his phone and dials. It takes him a while to answer

            “Hello?”

            “Hi.”

            “Oh, hi. Kurt, it’s really late.”

            “I – sorry? I just thought you wanted me to phone you when I got home.”

            “I – did I say that? Maybe. Just… can we talk tomorrow?”

            “Sure. Of course.”

            Blaine hangs up and he stares at the phone in his hand with bewilderment and a little hurt. There was nothing, not an ‘ _it’s good to hear your voice’_ or ‘ _I’m glad you’re back’_ or even a fucking ‘ _goodnight. Sleep well.’_ He unzips his boots and tosses them toward the wardrobe, and he’s going to have a shower to wash off the layer of grime that travelling always gives him. He showers quickly, coming back to his bed to find the screen of his phone lit up with a new message. For a second he thinks it might be Blaine, but instead Dave’s name is at the top of the message.

**Dude. Text Sebastian. He’s pretending he’s not worried, but apparently you said you’d let him know when you got home and he’s not going to fucking sleep until he knows. DK.**

            He grins, remembering the throw away promise he’d made earlier that day. He hadn’t really thought that Sebastian would remember, considering he’d just waved him out the door telling him to hurry up and leave because he wanted to have loud sex with Dave. He’d laughed and asked how that was different from any other time they had sex and the delighted laugh Sebastian had let out had made him grin as he took the subway to the airport. He quickly fires off a ‘ _I’m home safe and sound’_ to Sebastian before sending ‘ _Done. :)’_ to Dave.

**Thank you! Now I can get some sleep without him tossing and turning. Have a good visit and see you when you get back. DK**

            He smiles and pulls on his sleeping pants, slipping into the bed and forcing himself to relax, trying the compartmentalization technique to stop worrying about everything so his mind will switch off. Of course it’s interrupted by his phone vibrating again and he reaches for it, planning on putting it in flight mode so he can at least get some uninterrupted sleep.

**_Good to hear. Now have some loud sex of your own and we’ll see you Monday._ **

            He grins because he plans to do exactly that.

 

**FAF**

 

            They go out for brunch the next morning, mainly because he doesn’t want Dave cooking and distracted in the kitchen. He feels like being the center of his attention for the weekend, and making Dave _his_ center of attention, because they have the apartment totally to themselves and he can totally give in to whatever takes his fancy without having to take Kurt’s whereabouts or feelings into account. Not that he minds Kurt now, but he really likes the idea of having Dave’s undivided attention.

            They don’t walk hand-in-hand, some things still just feel _too_ couple-ish for him, but they brush hands, and he gets more than his fair share of pinches to his butt when Dave thinks he’s being too harsh with his comments about the people around them. He does entwine his legs with Dave’s when they sit opposite each other at the diner, and the times when they go out in mottled groups of friends and he sits beside Dave he always rests his hand on his thigh. Right now though he toes off his shoe and rests his foot in-between Dave’s thighs, grinning at Dave’s raised eyebrow and muttered ‘ _really Seb? Really?’_

            He just grins and runs his toes up to his crotch. Despite his verbal admonishment Dave shifts, moving his legs a bit further apart to give his foot better access and he smirks. He’s not quite ballsy enough to go down on Dave in a diner with people around; it’s definitely not a quiet, locked and private dining room at Dalton that’s for sure. He’s certain Dave is thinking about it, if the flush to his cheeks is anything to go by.

            They order and he just lets his foot rest there, only occasionally moving it as they talk about classes. He likes that they are studying such different areas, although they have managed one of the general papers together. Dave has taken a keen interest in his law papers, which had surprised him for all of a second before he remembered how smart Dave was, and how quickly he’d caught up at Dalton. He’s been trying to convince Dave to switch into a pr-law paper for next semester, using the argument that if he ever wanted to be a sports agent rather than a journalist it would be a good foundation. Dave just laughs at him each time he tries.

            The food arrives and he settles back to enjoy his breakfast, in the process stretching his leg out and firmly rubbing his foot, keeping his face completely blank. Dave is staring at him, licking his lips and he knows their plans for the day have changed. There’s no walking through Central Park, catching a game or a movie… _no_. They’re going home after this. He waves his fork at Dave’s plate, already several mouthfuls into his own.

            “Aren’t you hungry?”

            Dave glares at him.

            “You are the biggest asshole sometimes you know that?”

            He nods and smiles, fellating his fork a little enthusiastically and Dave’s eyes narrow. _Bingo_. Dave starts eating, eyes not leaving his face and he eats with purpose, barely chewing. He takes another leisurely bite of his pancakes, licking syrup of his finger and spreading his toes and pressing over Dave’s cock, smirking again when he shifts, clearly uncomfortable.

            “If you aren’t finished by the time I’m ready to leave then you can _starve_ …”

            He shrugs.

            “I’m not that hungry anyway.”

            A total lie, but he’s already half-way through his meal, and he can always eat later. His cock is _definitely_ interested right now, despite their mutual hand jobs in the shower over an hour ago. He watches as Dave finishes his plate, pushing it away and just glaring at him before catching the eye of the waitress who looks surprised they’re finished already.

            “Is everything alright with the food?”

            “Yeah, it was great. We just have somewhere else to be. Can I get the check?”

            She nods, although she’s frowning and looking between them like something is wrong and he smiles. That makes her frown more before turning to go and get the check. He removes his foot and slips his shoe back on with a little wiggling. Dave hasn’t stopped glaring at him and he just winks, feeling totally carefree and mischievous. He snaps the check before Dave, handing over bills and a more than generous tip, hopefully making up for their weird behavior, before standing and strategically placing his jacket over his arm so it hangs in front of him as he stands. Dave stands and shuffles, moving to stand behind him, voice quiet;

            “Fuck Seb, you’re going to have to walk in front of me. Jesus.”

            “Well, at least you’ll have a nice view,” he replies, brushing his ass not-so-accidentally over the front of his jeans as he moves past him for the door. He savors Dave’s groan as he follows.

 

**FAF**

 

            He sees Blaine waiting for him inside the Lima Bean, browsing over the mugs or something and he pushes the doors open, instantly enveloped in warmth and the smell of coffee. He wraps his arms around him from behind, enjoys the feel of Blaine turning in the circle and let’s out a happy sigh.

            “Hi, I missed you.”

            “Hi,” Blaine replies, hugging him tightly, and he hugs back, going to kiss him but ending up with a cheek instead. _What the hell?_ Blaine is already tugging him over to the corner chairs in the Lima Bean though, telling him he’s ordered coffee for them both, also excitedly telling him he’s invited the glee club to catch up in half an hour. _All right then_. He’s really not come back to Lima to see anyone but his family and Blaine. Had _hoped_ he could slip in and out of the town like a ghost. No such luck apparently.

            “I’m sorry about last night. I was _so_ tired.”

            “Oh, sure, it’s fine,” Kurt says, brushing it off, although the fact that he’d been equally exhausted, a week of school , plus the long travelling hours, just to come back to such a lukewarm reception. He holds back a sigh of discontent and smiles at Blaine, glad to see him despite everything. He’s just tired.

            “Grande nonfat mocha? Medium drip?”

            “That’s us!” Blaine says, bouncing to his feet and he smiles weakly, realizing that in all their talks he’s never mentioned it, a little thing, like how he takes his coffee black now, unless he’s feeling miserable and then he gets a sickly-sweet raspberry white-chocolate mocha. With extra cream. He refuses to think about why Sebastian always has so much cream in the fridge. Instead he wonders how many other little things he hasn’t mentioned.

 

**FAF**

 

            He’s exhausted. He hadn’t been aware quite how much Sebastian held back when there were other people around. Or potentially around. They’ve had sex so many times he’s lost count, it’s like summer was a fucking training camp. Not that he has any complaints, but he’ll be glad when Kurt is back because quite frankly his dick is chaffing and needs a recuperation period. After two and a half days Sebastian is _finally_ letting them catch up on class work, insisting on serious study time. He’s already ahead on his class readings, it was something he got into the habit of while at Dalton, just to ensure he wouldn’t fall behind, he was that determined to graduate. He treats it like a job, has formed a routine that makes him feel comfortably confident that he’s back in charge of his life and the direction it is going in. It feels good.

            He has a highlighter clasped between his teeth, and he can hear Sebastian typing away down the hall, sitting at his desk while he finishes up typing an essay that is of course due tomorrow. He knows he’ll proofread it for him as well, although he might pretend to hold out. He hears the apartment door open and he twists his head over the back of the sofa, looking at Kurt upside down, and even from this position he can tell Kurt is exhausted.

            He gets up, abandoning his text book for now and taking Kurt’s bag from his hands and heads to Kurt’s room, dropping the bag on the trunk at the foot of the bed, knowing Kurt will no doubt want to unpack and do washing.

            “Dude you look shattered.”

            “Yeah, I feel shattered. I think I need another weekend to recover from my weekend.”

            “That good huh?”

            “Oh my god David! Get you mind out of the gutter!”

            He laughs at Kurt’s pinked-up cheeks and obvious embarrassment, because he hadn’t even been implying that at all, he leaves those types of innuendos firmly in Sebastian’s domain.

            “That’s not even what I meant!” He elbows him playfully. “It’s your mind that’s in the gutter Hummel!”

            “Well it only went there because you’re covered in beard burn and a few, uh, hickeys, not leaving it up to my imagination in the slightest as to what you two spent the weekend doing.”

            He shrugs good-naturedly, because there’s no use denying it, Kurt _lives_ here, and he’s _heard_ some of the comments and conversations Sebastian has thrown around and a little beard burn is seriously the least of their worries when it comes to evidence or clean up.

            “Well I expect you to have a few marks of your own. But uh… I really don’t need to know about them actually. You want a coffee?”

            It eases the potential for awkwardness as Kurt nods, hanging his jacket up and switching the light off in his room before closing the door, as if he doesn’t want to think about anything right now and can just close it away.

            “I shouldn’t drink coffee right now, but maybe a hot chocolate?”

            “Yeah sure, go sit and rest for a bit. I’ll just go see if Seb wants anything.”

            Kurt nods and he can almost _feel_ how exhausted he is before he heads down to Seb’s room, plucking an ear bud out to get his attention.

            “Mmm? Oh… is it time for a study break?”

            “You have a one track mind,” he replies with a smile and brush of lips. “Kurt’s home, he looks… tired. You want a hot drink? Coffee?”

            “Yeah, that would be great thanks. Just let me finish off this bit here and I’ll come out.”

            “Sure.”

            He brushes his lips again, squeezes fingers and then heads back out to the kitchen, spying Kurt sitting on the sofa in the same place where he’d just been, head thrown back but eyes closed, one hand rubbing his forehead and he wonders if Kurt has a headache. He’d expected Kurt to come back feeling buoyed up, sad to leave Blaine, but happier having seen him, but Kurt just seems preoccupied.

 

**FAF**

 

            Days later he realizes Dave had been right, when whispering quiet worried words to him in bed late at night on Monday. Kurt is definitely down, and he kind of hates the fact that he even cares. He hasn’t grabbed Kurt’s phone to have a look through the history or anything, but he’s pretty sure that the communication between Kurt and Blaine has decreased to a trickle.

            “Everything okay?”

            Kurt just shrugs and then lets out a long sigh and he wonders if it would be rude to go and get himself a cup of coffee in preparation for the no-doubt long talk he’s about to have. Huh. Wouldn’t be rude if he offers to make one for Kurt as well. He accepts the offer and he heads into the kitchen, setting about making coffee, the only thing in the kitchen he feels confident using, and makes them both coffees.

            “So – boy trouble?”

            Kurt pulls a face, nose scrunching up and he smiles a little.

            “I just… I feel like we’re drifting apart and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

            “Long distance is hard. Or so I’m told.”

            “It is. And… maybe it’s because we’re at different stages? He’s all excited about glee club and vacation and… there’s only a year between us but it feels like more sometimes you know?”

            “Yeah. I know. Makes sense though. You’re here experiencing all these new things, meeting all these new people and he’s just got… school. I suppose he has to make it as exciting and as interesting as possible?”

            “But he doesn’t even seem interested in what I’m doing.”

            That’s a problem.

            “Oh.”

            “Yeah. I just feel like he’s only interested in one facet of me, of me as his boyfriend, not me as a person and it just…”

            “Makes you feel like shit.”

            “I… wouldn’t put it quite like that, but yes, I suppose so.”

            “You need to talk to him. Fuck. I can’t believe I’m saying that.” He scrubs his hands over his face. “He’s making you feel like you aren’t important enough to him to care about other things in your life. I mean… even though he doesn’t care Dave still listens to me complain about the casting in a musical.”

            “Yes well, you’re lucky. Dave is one of a kind.”

            He stops midway in the act of putting his coffee cup back on the table, because there’s almost a tone of wistfulness to Kurt’s voice. He knows Dave has a thing for Kurt, but the fact that there’s the potential of it being reciprocated… _Jesus fuck._ He realizes suddenly that his hand is shaking and he puts the cup on the small table, quickly folding his arms and leaning back so Kurt doesn’t see.

            “Yeah, he is,” Sebastian says, and he can hear the sharpness in his voice and it reminds him of the time he reamed Kurt out for not appreciating Dave. Fuck, he’s only got himself to blame. Kurt lets out another long sigh and gives him a watery smile.

            “You guys make an awesome couple. I… think that may be part of it as well, seeing you guys and then looking at my own relationship. Self-reflection and all that.”

            “Okay,” that makes him relax a bit for some reason, knowing Kurt wouldn’t go and make a move on Dave. “Well… you’ve got to do what makes you happy. And you haven’t been very happy lately.”

            “I know. God I don’t want to do this.”

            He swallows, because he knows Kurt is talking about breaking up with Blaine. That isn’t surprising, because even though he wouldn’t consider himself an expert on relationships he’s pretty sure he’s seen this coming for a while. It’s just a matter of time now, distance has to be relationship killer for most couples, and as much as he doesn’t want it to be in this case he also wants Kurt to be himself again.

            “I’ll have to wait until Christmas, when I can talk to him in person.”

            “Yeah. Okay. Just… don’t let it slide. You’re worth more than that.”

            He pulls a face at the words, because _seriously_ , this feels all weird and wrong, like the heart-to-heart conversations he’s used to having with Dave. Except he and Kurt aren’t going to have fast and furious sex afterwards to balance out the embarrassment factor.

            “Wow, Sebastian, it sounds like you really care.”

            “Don’t worry, it’s just an illusion. It’ll fade before the sun comes up.”

            Kurt reaches over with his foot, poking his leg while rolling his eyes and calling him an asshole. He feels a little like the world has righted itself.

 

**FAF**

 

            He only spends two nights a week in his dorm room, a fact which his roommate loves. They get on pretty well, although him not being there very often probably helps. Monday and Thursday night he has late classes, so he uses those as reasons for staying on campus, although he likes the nights he spends in Seb’s bed, his mouth whispering against his skin about when Dave will live there permanently. He likes that Seb is still really interested in him moving in.

            They all organize trips home for Christmas, finding a flight together, going with Kurt’s suggestion of flying to Chicago but Sebastian’s insistence of hiring a car. Kurt and him both have their cars back in Lima, and while they haven’t ever used it he knows there’s a car, probably a really expensive one, sitting in the small garage belonging to the apartment building. None of them seem keen on the idea of driving in New York though, more than content to catch the subway to wherever they need to go.

            Thanksgiving is all planned out, which is kind of scary. They’re all staying in the city, Kurt because he has his big-deal recital, but his dad and Sebastian’s parents are coming to stay. It’s another big-deal. A _massive_ deal. Their parents haven’t really spent much time together, more the ‘ _oh yes, our children are dating_ ’ polite-smile exchanged in passing. And now they’re spending four days together. In the same apartment. He’s not ashamed to admit he’s terrified, because the number of things that could go wrong just seem endless, his overactive imagination providing scenario after scenario of how badly it’s going to go.

            It isn’t fair that Seb thinks he’s being ridiculous. Kurt isn’t much better, simply saying that all their parents want is for them to be happy. And do well in school. Then he’d reached out and pulled his hair, one of his tightly furled curls, because he hasn’t had time to get a haircut, and told him to get a haircut. That had made Seb snort, muttering about getting a real job. Kurt had then grinned, a rare sight recently and said ‘ _clean your act up and dont be a slob_ ’, which he’d opened his mouth to take offence to, because Seb is _way_ worse than him.

            However Seb spoke first with ‘ _get it together like your big brother Bob’_ and that’s when he realized they were reciting song lyrics. He’d gotten off the couch, muttering about them both being insane, although he’d recognized the song by then. He’d walked away to the sound of them both singing out the last line of ‘ _get a haircut and get a real job’_ and then them laughing, and as insane as he sometimes thinks they are he likes the sound of them laughing together.

 

**FAF**

 

            They’re walking in Central Park, jackets pulled tight, scarves around their necks and hands wrapped around hot cups of soup when he hears Dave huff a sigh and he turns his head.

            “What?”

            “You just totally gave that guy a once over.”

            “I –” he looks around, and yeah, sure enough there is a guy, a _hot_ guy, walking away in the opposite direction, and he knows what Dave said must be true cause the guy turns his head to look at him and wink suggestively. “I’m sorry. I didn’t… realize.”

            Dave just shakes his head and bumps his shoulder, continuing to walk. It niggles in the back of his mind though, because he knows how insecure Dave can be, and he doesn’t want something as stupid as him subconsciously looking at another guy to derail what they have.

            “I… do I do that a lot?” Dave shrugs noncommittally so he takes that as a definite _yes_.

            Shit.

            “I really didn’t notice… I’m sorry. Do you mind that I look?”

            Dave shrugs again and he winces, because of course he fucking minds.

            “No. It’s fine. I don’t mind…”

            “Liar…” He stops their walking, looping his free arm around Dave’s waist. “I really am sorry. Habit I guess. I’ll try to stop okay?”

            “No, I don’t want you changing Seb. I just need to… learn to deal with it.”

            “No. You shouldn’t have to. I can’t promise I won’t look, because you know I don’t make promises I can’t keep, but Dave, while I might look, I’d never touch, not when I have you…”

            The slow sweet smile that Dave gives him makes him smile in return and he kisses him, not caring that they’re in Central Park, that it is chilly-cold and Dave tastes of pumpkin soup flavored strongly with chili.

            “I love you. And I… just needed to hear that I think. I really don’t mind that you look okay, just point out any really cute ones.”

            “I love you too,” he replies, grinning wider, because if reassurance is what Dave needs, then reassurance is what he can do. He kisses him again, wanting to wrap his hands around him but is thwarted by thick bulky winter jackets and hands holding cups of soup. Dave laughs at him, because his face must clearly show how disgruntled he’s feeling at not being able to touch skin. “You laugh now… come on, let’s go home.”

            Dave agrees with a little half-smile and he’s sure Dave is actually trying to smirk, except he’s really too sweet to pull it off. They get back to the apartment eventually and Kurt is curled up on the couch, wearing _sweat pants_ and a wife-beater, like he’s just been dancing or something. His bare feet curled beneath him and reading a magazine, ear buds in but Kurt’s humming along to the music and he’s pretty sure it’s something for class. He looks up at them and raises a hand in greeting before going back to humming and drumming his fingers on his thighs. It’s the most relaxed he’s seen Kurt… _ever_. It looks good on him actually. Huh.

            He looks to Dave and jealousy twists inside him at the way Dave’s looking at Kurt, soft-fondness all over his face and what he’s pretty sure is arousal, although to be fair he’d been palming Dave’s cock through his jeans in the elevator, so that might be because of him. He lets out a quiet breath, telling himself he has nothing to worry about and that being paranoid and needy is the last thing he needs to be.

            He tugs Dave’s hand, smiling and jerking his head in the direction of his bedroom. Dave flushes and _yeah_ , that makes him relax all over. He glances toward Kurt quickly and sees the hand waving, dismissing them and he grins. It’s nice to not have to speak and still have conversations.

 

**FAF**

 

            He’s a complete mess, but he always is before a big performance, and at least he has Dave and Sebastian out there, along with Sebastian’s parents and Dave’s father. It’s a shame his dad can’t make it, but with Sebastian’s parents and Dave’s dad staying his dad and Carole would have to pay for accommodation in New York during one of the busiest holiday periods of the year. Plus he has to get used to the idea that he will one day perform in front of complete strangers with no friendly faces cheering him on. The only thing that has seemed to have even the slightest calming effect today had been Sebastian giving him a firm shoulder squeeze and a muttered ‘ _you got this’._ There’s a combination of talents on show tonight; short scenes from much longer plays, solos, instrumentals, dance and song pieces the entire group of freshman’s have been working on. He’ll be on stage on three separate occasions and he just has to remember to bend his knees and not faint. He can do this.

            Of course he pulls it off _flawlessly_ and he feels more than a little accomplished when he meets up with Dave and Sebastian at the completion of the show, and he knows his grin is splitting his face in half.

            “That was _awesome_ ,” Dave says, and he actually seems to have enjoyed it.

            “Mmm, he didn’t fall asleep once. High praise indeed,” Seb teases, but he can tell that they’re both happy for him. “So are you going on a drinking-spree with your fellow thespians or?”

            “Oh no, all their families are here pretty much, so they’re all either going with them or being dragged home. A big party is planned for next week though,” he shrugs, because he doesn’t really drink like some of the others do, the most he’s ever had at any of the gatherings is a glass of wine. Bad wine actually, now that he thinks about the stuff Sebastian pulls out for them to drink occasionally. He accepts the compliments from the parents, and at least they aren’t obligated to say nice things to him out of parental-bias.

            They make their way back to the apartment, Sebastian’s father having organized a freaking driving service for them while in New York, which completely blows his mind, although with six of them it kind of makes sense, but when he’d suggested to Sebastian that they could all just take the subway he’d been laughed at for a solid five minutes before Sebastian had managed to calm down enough to say ‘ _my parents don’t catch the subway._ ’

            The next day feels like a weird family holiday, with Sebastian’s mother having ordered catered food and the six of them make a mottled group. He gets what Sebastian means now, but a part of him feels Mr and Mrs Smythe could do with a subway ride or too, just to loosen them up, although Annelise does seem very easy going, although he supposes anyone seems easy going in comparison to her husband. They sit down to lunch the next day and he feels a little sad that his dad, Carol and Finn aren’t here, but this is still a vast improvement on the idea of being completely alone.

            Conversation is stilted to start with, but Sebastian seriously has a silver tongue, soon getting everyone talking comfortably, and while he can’t partake in the conversation about the football they’re planning on watching, he can talk to Annelise about the current winter collection. Although she quickly turns the conversation into how he is coping having Sebastian as a roommate and he smiles, holding back outright laughter.

            “We’ve settled in well I think. Though his cleaning techniques leave a little to be desired.”

            “I can clean!” Sebastian interjects, obviously having been listening in the entire time.

            “Sebastian, spraying the cleaner in the general direction of the toilet doesn’t count as cleaning.”

            Annelise smiles while the others laugh and Kurt pulls an apologetic face, not really having wanted to make fun of Sebastian like that, in front of his parents. He mouths _sorry_ , feeling seriously contrite, although less so when Sebastian rolls his eyes in response before kicking him lightly under the table, mouthing back _it’s fine._

 

**FAF**

 

            He’s missed this, quietly drinking with his mom. Dave and his dad have gone out together to do something touristy, Kurt’s studying in his room and his dad is working on his laptop at the dining table. It feels all quietly content, the stress of the actual holiday yesterday over and his mother and Kurt shopped out. He was just grateful that Kurt had willingly gone with her, because it had meant he’d been freed from the responsibility, because he doesn’t care how good the sales might be, he hates shopping unless he’s in the mood.

            “Kurt is nice. He _is_ the one that you used to say was a necessary evil hmm?”

            “You know he is mom, you knew that when we decided we’d room together to teach me some misguided notion of responsibility. Remember?”

            “Oh, I remember. I just didn’t think you did. I think it’s working out quite well. I like him.”

            “Of course you do. He went shopping with you. And I have to admit he’s not evil. He’s pretty cool actually.”

            “And how about Blaine? How is he doing?”

            “I… actually I don’t know. I haven’t spoken to him since I was in Lima.”

            Huh. That’s weird, he hadn’t even thought of him, or heard from him, and _wow_ , it feels kind of strange to realize that someone he considered a friend has so easily slipped from his mind, he only really exists as Kurt’s boyfriend, where it used to be the opposite.

            “I thought you said he was a friend?”

            “Uh. Yeah. I guess I’m friends more with Kurt than with him now.”

            It feels even weirder to say out loud, although he knows it’s true. He _lives_ with Kurt, he can’t help that he got to know him, actually started talking to him and finding all the things they have in common, the least not being Dave himself. While Dave is his boyfriend, he supposes Kurt is his closest friend after Dave now. He finds he isn’t as surprised by that as he would have been a few months ago.

 

**FAF**

 

            “I miss you.”

            “Mmm,” Blaine murmurs and Kurt frowns, thinking back to their last few conversations, both over the phone, Skype and in person. Blaine hasn’t actually said he misses him in weeks, not even when he was in Lima... He tries to think back to the last time he said it and he’s pretty sure it was a month ago now. Does Blaine not miss him? Surely he does, he just doesn’t need to say it. He chews his lip nervously, uncertainty and insecurity churning in his gut.

            God he wants a glass of wine.

 


	4. DECEMBER

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s taking me a while to update everything. However I come bearing a 10K chapter. Is that apology enough?

"Sebastian… are you giving my forearm a hand job?"

Dave's voice sounds sleepy and amused, and he grins in the dim morning light of the room, continuing to run his palm back and forth over the hair on Dave's forearm. It's kind of relaxing, soothing, and apparently feels like a hand job. He shifts and presses his bare chest against the broad expanse of Dave's back, sucking lightly on the juncture of shoulder and neck before pulling back.

"I  _wasn't_ , but do you want me to?"

"You're good, but I don't think you're  _that_  good…"

"You don't think I could make you come from just touching you all over except your cock?"

"Oh… mmm, no, you could definitely do that. I was thinking about you making my forearm come, which isn't actually possible. God. Ignore me, I'm still half asleep."

"Mmm, and adorable with it," Sebastian murmurs, his heart feeling large and tight in his chest with unvoiced emotion.

He hadn't been stroking Dave's arm with sex in mind, but of course now that he's mentioned it his cock is definitely interested. He moves slowly but with purpose, feeling still half asleep and he enjoys this feeling, soft and slow, before their bodies are fully up with the game play and demand they get a move on. He's never enjoyed this part of sex more, although he admits to himself that he's never allowed himself to relax enough when someone has slept over, which hadn't been often.

He lets his lips leave a trail of tiny kisses over Dave's back and shoulders, his hand continuing to stroke Dave's arm, although he notes with a smile that Dave has moved his other hand to touch himself, he can feel the gentle rocking motion of his body against his.

"What do you want?"

"You…"

He snorts, because Dave nearly always answers with that unless he really pushes him, sometimes unwilling to voice what he wants exactly. It's tempered by times when Dave is demanding and clearly voices what he wants, and he knows logically that what Dave really means is that he doesn't care what they do, that he's happy with anything. He doesn't want to get out of the bed, which is total laziness on his part, but they used the last condom last night, and while he's pretty sure he can convince Dave to go to the bathroom and get a fresh box he doesn't really want  _him_ leaving the bed either. They didn't run out of lube.

"I want to try something different…"

He's not had intercrural sex for over a year, longer probably now that he thinks about it, and one of the beauties of being with Dave is knowing he's never tried it at all. He has no idea whether Dave will like it or not, but there's only one way to find out and there's nothing they've done so far which Dave  _hasn't_  liked, so he feels pretty confident. The pace feels languid, relaxed, and he takes his time running his hands over every part of Dave's body he can reach, placing tiny kisses over the shoulders.

"Okay."

He hadn't even realized Dave hadn't answered the question, had been keeping quiet and he frowns at himself, mentally chastising himself for not being more attentive. He doesn't want to become complacent with Dave just because they're committed and monogamous. He has to hold back a little hysterical snort of laughter at the thought of what a younger version of himself might think of that. He just knows his younger self was an idiot.

"Push your knees together, and your thighs, press them together as tight as you can."

"Okay?" Dave replies, and he can hear the question half-formed in his tone, but he follows his instructions anyway, and he runs his fingers down Dave's back encouragingly. He wants him to feel good, knows that he has the power to Dave feel amazing and he  _likes_  that. Probably a little too much, but he can't find it in himself to care.

He moves, straddling Dave's calves and rubbing his cock over the swell of his ass cheeks before leaning forward and reaching for Dave's cock with his hand, gripping with the exact right amount of pressure which has come from lots of lots of practice. He feels Dave's body move, thrusting into his fist and he pumps his fist at a medium pace, feeling Dave harden even further and jerk in his hand. He's grinning as he pulls away, whispering words to Dave to tell him to touch himself as he reaches for the lube.

He doesn't want to use too much of it, there's no danger of tearing the skin here, and he enjoys the harder pull of friction on his cock that this position can bring, and Dave has a fine sprinkling of hair between his thighs, which he's starting to imagine rubbing against the sensitive skin of his cock and he's pretty sure he's developed a slight kink for body hair. Dave's body hair anyway, because he still sees carpets on some men and can't help but pull a face. Sue him, he's picky, although he has to admit he does give some of them a second glance now, but only if they have a passing resemblance to Dave.

He slicks up one finger, and he knows it's going to feel cold but that doesn't stop him spreading a thin layer over his cock. Warmed slightly now he presses his finger between Dave's thighs and it's tight. Not as tight as his ass obviously, but Dave has strong leg muscles, and physically he's the biggest guy Sebastian's ever been with and he realizes it's going to feel different than it has before for him.

"Seb? What uh… what are you doing?"

"It's called intercrural sex. Ring any bells?"

"Yeah…  _yeah_." Dave's voice is quiet, his body pushing back and then it stills. "This is because you're too lazy to get the condoms from the bathroom isn't it."

He opens his mouth to object but shuts it again, because Dave is right, and fucking hell how does he know him so well?

"I love you…"

He's said it aloud a handful of times, maybe a little more, and it seems to be more and more true each time he says it, which is at complete odds of how he previously felt about the sentiment but he goes with it.

"I love you too you complete lazy ass."

"Hey, I'm about to do all the work here!"

"Get on with it then…"

He's grinning when he presses his cock into the tight cleft made by Dave's thighs and his eyes shutter closed for a brief second, because it  _is_  tighter than the other times he's done this, and he can feel the very faint tickle of hair, although it's negligible. Dave's body feels warmer than his normally, and this is no different, and he's pretty sure Dave's clenching his thighs muscles intentionally and he has no fucking problem with that at all.

He pushes forward and the friction is a perfect drag of flesh and he lets out a quiet groan, fingers digging into Dave's hips to give him some guidance and leverage, although he doesn't really need it. He pulls back and pushes forward again, rocking and pressing, feeling the head of his cock push against the back of Dave's balls and  _yeah_ , that's another reason why he likes this so much.

Dave is touching himself, and he wishes he could see, because watching Dave jerk himself off, the pleasure he takes in it, is a beautiful thing to witness. Instead he has to make do, not that it's a hardship, Dave's body stretched out, pressing back against him as he pushes forward and he goes slowly until they find a rhythm that works for them. It's not a position that incites kissing, but he mouths the skin of Dave's back and shoulders when he can, although he's enjoying the drag and pull being focused solely on his cock, feeling a little selfish, but he's more than prepared to blow Dave after he's come.

That thought, accompanied by the idea of Dave sucking his come covered fingers tip him over the edge and he comes first. He can hear Dave swearing under his breath, body shaking before he stops his hand on his cock to run his fingers over his balls, through Sebastian's come before his hand moving faster on his cock and Sebastian rocks, still firm between Dave's thighs and his heart is pounding loudly in his ears, the thought that enjoying the sight before him. He can tell Dave is close and he leans down, pressing his back against Dave's and puts his mouth as close to his ear as he can.

"You can do this to me next time, push your big cock between my legs, hold my ass in your hands, fuck me like this without having to worry about hurting me, or being too rough…"

"Oh  _fuck_ ," Dave manages to bite out and he feels his body shake a little more as he comes. He reaches around; placing his hand gently over Dave's and moves with him, pulling the last vestiges of his orgasm from him, enjoying the start of the afterglow.

" _Yeah_ …" he shivers as he pulls back, his cock over sensitive now that he's come, the skin hot and prickly from all the friction and it feels  _fantastic_. He's experiencing tiny little aftershocks, his body shuddering from the high and he lets his body slump to the side, resting his head on his hand to watch as Dave rolls in the other direction so they're facing each other, the sticky-wet sheets between them and as much as he kind of feels like a kiss he's not moving right now. He smiles softly and there's still not a lot of light in the room this early.

"That was… hotter than I thought it would be," Dave says, and he reaches with his foot and kicks him gently.

"Anything with me is hot."

"Mmm," Dave hums in what he assumes is agreement, and he's pretty sure Dave is smiling, which is definitely agreement. "My god that is one massive wet patch."

He snorts in amusement and rolls onto his back, knowing he's going to have to get up soon.

"Good thing it's laundry day huh?"

"Fuck off, I am  _not_  doing your washing again."

"I wasn't asking you to. But at least now they're actually worth washing…"

He can't help smiling at Dave's little huff of laughter. Life is good.

**FAF**

He's not a fan of flying, would have quite happily taken the bus for the entire trip back to Lima, except both Kurt and Sebastian had refused point blankly to even consider it. He's helpless in the face of their combined forces, and he knows he probably always will be and they both know it. Damn them. Sebastian kisses the back of his hand as the plane takes off, licking and sucking his middle knuckle suggestively. He rolls his eyes and elbows him slightly, because now is not the time or place. He freezes, suddenly wondering if Seb wants to join the mile high club. He dismisses that, because he suspects Sebastian is  _already_  a member and if he shows any sort of interest Sebastian will sign, seal and deliver on his membership before he can unbuckle his seatbelt.

Instead he sits still and forces himself to relax. He's not comfortable, stuck between Kurt and Sebastian like this, although they reassure him as soon as they're airborne they can put the armrests up. All of them have long legs and he's just glad that Kurt insisted they were early enough to request the emergency exit. Not only has he learnt that they place able bodied people in these seats to aid others, but it gives them all room to stretch their legs, which is a godsend right now.

Kurt has packed them food, as if the journey home is going to take them several days as opposed to several hours, homemade muffins and cookies, fruit and granola bars, all packaged up like school lunches and a part of him feels like poking fun, but the other part is grateful, because getting up at four in order to make the crosstown trek to the airport to meet the check in time means he hasn't eaten breakfast, although they'd all sat and drunk coffee bleary-eyed in the passenger waiting lounge. He eats it and accepts Seb's muffin which he insists he doesn't want. Kurt tells him there's more food for the train journey and at least now he's solved the mystery of why Kurt needed such a large carryon piece.

Kurt falls asleep on him about twenty minutes later, head resting on his shoulder and he's torn between quietly hissing at Sebastian to ' _put away your fucking phone now'_  and trying to not wake Kurt, because he knows he needs the rest. They all need the rest actually, the semester has been exhausting and he wants to go back to his high school self and tell him to never complain about the amount of homework he has. He can't believe he's paying for the stress he's experienced in the last few months, and he's just glad he has had both Seb and Kurt there to help him through it all.

He's anxious about this trip home. His mom has asked him to come and visit, and it's the first time she's actively asked to spend time with him. He'd asked if Sebastian was invited and the uncomfortable silence had been all the answer he'd needed. He's still going though, because it's his mom, and she's reached out and he needs to know if anything has changed. He can understand her not being able to cope with him having a boyfriend yet, when it seems to have taken this long to get her head around him being gay.

It's another thing he's grateful to Kurt and Sebastian for. It's not something he even thinks about now, it's just a part of who he is, something that is easier to accept when there are people like Kurt and Seb around that don't give a fuck about what anyone around them think. It helps that no one in New York really looks at him sideways when he walks down the street on the rare occasion that he and Seb hold hands. His roommate doesn't care, and the times when he has heard homophobic comments they've been general, not aimed at him. He's kept quiet, not quite ready to jump to the defense of his sexuality, but it does act as a reminder that he isn't  _normal_. But then he doesn't give a fuck anymore because he doesn't want to be normal if he can't have Seb in his life.

He must fall asleep as well, although doesn't remember it, but when he grabs Seb's phone later he notices that the background photo has been changed to one of Kurt sleeping on him, and it's actually kind of adorable.

**FAF**

It's weird being back. Well. No. It's not, because he was home not that long ago, but what is really different is that Blaine is… attentive. Demonstrative. Affectionate. Everything that he'd been thinking had been a problem seems to just evaporate, except it doesn't leave his memory. It's like he never left Lima, and maybe it's because he's back here for longer that just a couple of days and Blaine feels more… Actually he has no idea apart from the fact that it makes him feel weird.

They go out to dinner the first night he's back, although he's exhausted from the trip and fairly certain he's going to fall asleep in his bowl of soup Blaine is all excited energy about seeing him and spending time with him, so he forces himself to mimic the actions, and he starts to feel a little more enthusiastic. He knows Dave and Seb have gone to their respective homes to rest, their parents, well Dave's dad and Sebastian's parents, picking them up from the train station. Annelise had given him a hug and patted his face and Paul had shaken his hand, telling him it was good to see him again and his dad had just looked a little poleaxed, probably realizing that he really does have a life outside of Lima now.

Blaine seems to have ignored all of the exchanges on the platform, his hands clamping onto his arm and not leaving until they were back at his dad's, and it feels weird thinking of it as home, because even just a few short months in New York has made him feel more at home than Lima ever has. He only got to wave goodbye to Sebastian and Dave but he knows he'll see them again soon, and that missing them when he's only been away from them a couple of hours is also weird. He just puts it down to a general feeling of unsettledness.

When he and Blaine have sex he doesn't have the energy to put much effort into, wishing he could just say he doesn't feel like it without it hurting Blaine's feelings. He really just wants to sleep, to be held in someone's arms, relax and not think about anything for a while. Instead he finds himself with Blaine snuggling into him, his arm rested loosely around his waist and for the first time ever wishing he could be the one being held.

**FAF**

The four of them have lunch together on Christmas Eve, organized by Blaine and for once when Dave grumbles under his breath about not liking him he kind of has to agree. He'd seen him a couple of days ago on the platform and he'd just seemed so  _young_. Theoretically he knows being young isn't a negative thing, but he just feels like he's moved on so much from high school already. He wonders briefly how Kurt feels about the whole thing, and the poor guy looks even more exhausted then when he last saw him, if that's even possible considering that they're meant to be on holiday.

As he watches them he can tell Blaine is happy that Kurt is back, to see Kurt again, but it's almost in a showing him off; in a ' _this is my college boyfriend'_  type way, to somehow make himself look better and he's not sure he ever noticed that Blaine was a little self-centered and narcissistic before. Which is saying a lot, because he considers himself fairly self-centered and narcissistic. He leans into Dave's side, feels his arm slip around his waist and he grins.

"You're a good influence on me you know that?"

"Mmm, why do you say that?"

"Oh… several things."

He's spent the last two nights at home with his expanding list of visiting family members which has made him appreciate Dave all the more. Kurt as well, because they're quietly unassuming and so much easier to live with than any of his family, and there's an end it sight which in theory should lessen the family drama. It doesn't. Tonight he's staying with Dave at Dave's dad's place, although Dave is going to his mom's for dinner. He knows it's been playing on Dave's mind and he just hopes it doesn't completely fuck him over. It's the only reason his parents are letting him spend the night here rather than at home, the fact that Dave might need him. He really likes his parents at times like this, and Paul for letting him stay.

He watches as Blaine runs his fingers over the knuckles in Kurt's hand and frowns at the tightness around Kurt's mouth. He doesn't look happy or relaxed, and he wonders if Kurt has spoken to Blaine yet about what they discussed a couple of weeks ago, because it definitely doesn't look like he has. There's something a little familiar in how he feels when looking at Kurt and Blaine, but he's not sure what it is exactly. He dismisses it for the time being, if it's important it'll come to something and he'll figure it out.

**FAF**

He hadn't even thought twice about inviting Sebastian home for dinner. Dave is no doubt having an awkward meal with his mom and that side of his family, and Sebastian is meant to be staying with him tonight. He'd never really thought Paul Karofsky would be that open minded about letting Dave have his boyfriend stay over, but he guesses they're all meant to be adults now. Even his own dad has said Blaine is allowed to stay over while he's back visiting. Which is several levels of weird and not something he's felt like sharing with Blaine. He feels like he needs his own space, which is not something he's ever felt before with regards to Blaine, but he supposes he's just getting used to living away from him.

Sebastian arrives, hanging his jacket up without him even having to tell him to, although Sebastian does roll his eyes at him, making him laugh. He apologizes to Carol for being late, quietly adding to Kurt as an aside that he stayed parked outside Dave's mom's place for almost half an hour after dropping him off, not wanting to leave him. He pats his arm, trying to offer wordless reassurance and secretly thrilled that he gets to see this softer side of Sebastian, that Dave is lucky enough to have someone like this to care for him so much. It means he doesn't need to worry  _quite_  as much as he had been about the 'dinner of doom' he had nicknamed it in his head when Dave had told him.

Sitting down at the table feels a little odd with Sebastian there, because it's usually a family only affair, and of course Finn makes everything super awkward in their own house, his eyes narrowed and not leaving Sebastian the whole time, as if he expects him to steal the silverware, or break into a song and dance number. Fortunately Sebastian seems amused more than anything else and has the charm dial turned on full, Carol and his dad being equally charmed by his manners. He knows that in the past he would have been disgusted, or called the behavior slimy, except maybe he's used to it now, because instead of being annoyed he just feels quiet bemusement. He even lets Sebastian rack up extra brownie points by doing the dishes.

"You could help you know," his dad says, frowning at him in a way that would have made him feel guilty not even a few short months ago.

"I could, but I'm too busy enjoying the novelty of watching Sebastian actually doing the washing up…"

"Hey! I wash up!"

Kurt looks at him disbelievingly, because he  _knows_  Sebastian only ever does the washing up when Dave threatens him with a sex-strike. He knows because Dave  _told him_. The look on Sebastian's face is priceless, obviously realizing what Kurt knows, because he's suddenly effusive with insistence that Kurt just sit still and rest, that he cooks for both of them most nights in New York and this is the least he can do. Carol gives Finn a little frown that has him jumping up to offer to help and he has to stop himself from laughing. He does get up and help clear the table, setting about making them all eggnog and trying to stay out of their way while they clean up.

"I'll pass on to Dave what a good little helper you've been…" Kurt says quietly, biting his lip in amusement, especially when Sebastian pokes his tongue out him, surreptitiously looking to ensure no one sees him do it. "Save that tongue for Dave, he'll actually appreciate it," Kurt says, teasing, and the answering lecherous grin he gets from Sebastian has them both laughing.

He can tell they are all feeling sleepy after the meal as they settle in the living room, his dad flicking on the TV to watch whatever sport is on.  _That_ sparks a new conversation between his dad and Sebastian. He knows, in theory, that Sebastian is a bit of a sports nut, but when he starts spouting off statistics and plays he starts to zone out. His dad gets really enthusiastic though, and he's glad he's already experienced this with him and Finn, because he knows he'd probably be feeling jealous.

Instead he feels quietly content that his dad and one of his friends are getting on really well, and he realizes that his dad and Dave would probably get on well as well, if there wasn't the history of bullying. He leaves them talking to go and use the bathroom, and he's not prepared for the ambush on Finn-esque proportions when he comes out of the and he steps back out of shock before realizing it's only Finn.

"What do you want Finn?"

"Why did you have to invite him for dinner? I don't see how you can be friends with him!"

He had the same internal argument months ago, not only when Dave started being friends with him, but again when the whole idea of living with Sebastian was raised. Sure Sebastian has been a complete and utter asshole, but since Dave's suicide attempt there's been nothing… except his normal snarky self, and he has actually come to like that side of him.

"Finn…" he lets out a long sigh, wondering how exactly he can explain so Finn will understand. "I'm friends with you aren't I? And Noah? And David? You think Sebastian is any less deserving of my forgiveness?" Finn looks disgruntled at his logic and crosses his arms, clearly preparing to argue with him and he shakes his head, holding up a hand to forestall him. "I like him. I live with him, so it's a good thing that I like him okay? He's… not as bad as he first seems. Just, try and be civil okay? He's a friend of mine now."

Finn doesn't look happy but he sighs and agrees to try, giving him a quick hug before heading off to his own room to no doubt get Rachel on the phone to complain about Sebastian, because he's just that transparent. He goes back to join his dad and Sebastian, sending a quick text to Blaine telling him he hopes he's having a good night. They're both doing individual family things tonight, which is fine, neither his dad and Carol nor Blaine's family thinking to invite Blaine or Kurt respectively. He'd have never thought about it previously, but he knows Dave's dad and some of his family are going to spend tomorrow with Sebastian's family, which he finds astounding given that they've only been going out a few months.

He gets a text back from Blaine moaning about his family, and he can't really complain about his own, because they're pretty fantastic really, tiny though it may be. He continues to exchange texts with Blaine, ignoring the slightly disapproving looks from his dad every time his phone vibrates. He knows if Sebastian has a problem he would say something, or take his phone and shove it down his pants where he'd not want to retrieve it. Or ever use it again.

Carol joins them and his dad switches the TV from sport to reruns of Christmas themed movies with what he can only describe as an apologetic glance towards Sebastian. He rolls his eyes and makes a muttering comment under his breath about how Sebastian will live, which Sebastian obviously hears because he gets kicked softly by sock-covered feet. He's contemplating kicking him back when Sebastian's phone rings.

"Saved by the bell!" Sebastian laughs as he answer, but the smile quickly falls from his face. It makes his stomach drop and lungs freeze, every breath difficult to pull in and he listens as Sebastian quietly reassures Dave,  _it has to be Dave_ , that he's leaving immediately, coming to pick him up right now. He wants to offer to go with him, but knows Sebastian will be able to offer more than enough comfort. Sebastian moves swiftly, thanking Carol and Burt and Kurt just waves them off, helping Sebastian shrug on his jacket.

"Go! Go! Just… I can explain it to them, just…  _god_. Is he okay?"

"Honestly? He sounds like shit and like he's been crying. I've got to go."

"Yeah. Yes. Of course. Just, tell him I love him. Take care of him."

The look Sebastian gives him is intense and he has no idea how to read it exactly before he's being given a hard hug.

"Thanks. I will."

**FAF**

He tries not to speed on the way there, wishing he could break the laws with impunity, but knowing he will be zero help to Dave if he gets stopped for speeding. He's driving up the street when he sees someone walking and he slows down, lowering the window so he can get a better look, because it's started to snow. They look up and he sees Dave's sad eyes and immediately feels like eviscerating whoever it was that made him look this way. He pops open the locks and watches as Dave walks towards him slowly. He's bundled up in his jacket, hood pulled over his head and he wishes things could be different between Dave and his mom.

Dave's words and voice, asking him to come and pick him up had told him that things hadn't gone well, and he's also dealing with Kurt's parting words, and he knows Kurt meant them platonically, but it had still hurt like a blow to his chest, eased only by the knowing look on Kurt's face, that Sebastian would be the one Dave would want to see. He's not so sure himself, and he's not used to this much self-doubt. He shoves it to the side for now, looking at Dave as he slides into the passenger seat.

He looks pale and he's definitely been crying, his nose and eyes both red, and not just because of the cold in the air. He glances around the street and moves a couple of yards before turning the car off.

"No, please, can we just, leave here?"

Dave's speech is jerky and he nods immediately, restarting the car and pulling away from the curb and heading in the opposite direction.

"Anywhere in particular?"

"No. Just…  _away_ ," Dave says on a soft sigh and it sends a shiver through him.

"Okay. I can do that."

A quick glance at the fuel dial tells him the tank is almost full so he doesn't even bother thinking about it, instead just heads straight out of town. It's dark, no lights visible in any direction when he eventually stops and turns off the car, letting the peace and darkness just envelop them. He doesn't know if Dave wants to talk, or how to start the conversation or even what to say and is grateful when Dave starts talking.

He listens and tries not to let anger overwhelm him as he hears about how Dave sat through dinner hearing about how unnatural he was, that it was something he just needed to get over. That if needed help with drugs or a camp she would pay for them. He listens as Dave tells him how he felt like he was sliding backwards after all the steps forward he's taken. He feels furious and helpless, furious that he  _is_  helpless.

"It's just one person," he says, and as soon as the words are out of his mouth he wants to grab them back, because it doesn't matter, it's Dave's  _mom_ and if it was his mom saying these things to him his heart would be breaking.

"Yeah well, that one person is my mom so it's a pretty big fucking deal."

"I know. I know. I'm sorry, I just… I don't know what to say." He feels weak admitting it, but Dave doesn't laugh at him, or make him feel like he should somehow have all the answers.

"Just… hold me?"

"I can do that." He scrambles out from his seat and climbs over to Dave, straddling him and it's definitely not the most comfortable position. And Dave is just staring at him like he's crazy. "What?"

"I thought maybe we could get in the back seat, but uh, you're here now…so."

" _So_."

He leans forward, looping his arms around Dave's neck and pressing their chests together, feeling Dave's arms wrap around him in return. It feels nice, to be able to comfort him like this. He just holds him, ignoring the growing wet patch on his jacket and quiet sniffling sounds.

They sit like that for a long time. He knows it's too long when his muscles are tight and have cramped up in the cold, and he tells Dave quietly that he has to move. Dave has to recline his chair back as far as it goes, and fortunately as soon as he does Sebastian can move upwards now that there's a bit more room for his head and can shuffle back to the driver's side. Doing all this seems to break the quiet tension and they both start laughing.

He reaches over and kisses him, cupping his face in his hands and hoping that the kiss conveys a little of how much he loves him, supports him and just wants to be  _there_  for him. He moves a hand down and runs his thumb over Dave's heart, watching his face.

"I love you too."

He smiles slowly, soft, because Dave can read him so plainly. He sits back in the driver's seat.

"Call your dad, he'll be worried."

"Oh yeah. Thanks."

He listens to the one sided conversation, holds Dave's hand when he starts crying again explaining to his dad why he's upset, but that he's fine. That he's with Sebastian and will be home soon. He obviously gets asked where they are because Dave answers with a hesitant ' _I don't know'_  but that he's sure Sebastian knows the way back, and failing that they both have GPS on their phones. Paul finally lets Dave go, and he completely understands his concern, because if he wasn't sitting with Dave right now he'd be feeling sick with worry. That thought makes him think of Kurt, and he knows he has to be worried.

"Can you text Kurt, tell him you're okay. Or will be okay. Whatever. Just, he was worried about you. Sends his love," he forces the words out despite his reservations and is a bit taken aback when Dave huffs disbelievingly and shakes his head. Dave still thumbs out a text message to Kurt though. He frowns, does Dave not believe Kurt loves him? And okay, it's probably completely platonic because of the whole fact of Kurt being with Blaine and Dave being with him, but it's like Dave doesn't believe he'd ever have a chance with Kurt because… well, he has no idea why. Unless Kurt had shot Dave down in the past like he himself had, which actually, now that he thinks back he's sure Dave mentioned something along those lines.

He squeezes Dave's hand and starts the car, doing a careful three-point turn on the narrow country road before heading back to Lima. They're quiet for the most part, not saying anything even when he pulls up outside Dave's dad's house and parks his car. Paul has obviously been waiting because the door flies open and Dave is being hugged and he remembers that it was Dave's dad that found him. He swallows, his throat suddenly tight and stands back, letting them have this moment. Paul Karofsky meets his eyes and nods, and he's never felt like he's not been accepted by him before, but suddenly he feels like he's gotten a final seal of approval.

Paul makes them cocoa, and Dave mutters under his breath about just going with it, and he realizes that Paul just needs something to do with his anxious energy. Dave is all talked out, and he knows the emotional exhaustion has hit him, because he looks half-asleep, head nodding dangerously close to knocking into the lip of his mug where he holds it. Making the executive decision he stands and takes the mug, startling Dave in alertness.

"Come on, let me put you to bed. You're dead on your feet." He cringes at the unfortunate choice of words but neither of the Karofskys seem to notice.

"Uh, you two can…" he waves his hands at the pair of them and he frowns, wondering what he's trying to say. "You both look like you could do with the company tonight."

Paul looks embarrassed, and he realizes that they've just been given permission to share Dave's room. He's never felt so grateful to someone in his life, he would have ignored his wishes that he and Dave sleep in separate rooms under his roof, because Dave needs this right now, and he's glad his dad can recognize it. He quietly mouths  _thank you_  and edges Dave towards the stairs.

He helps Dave undress and pulls the blankets up around his shoulders, murmuring quietly that he'll be right back. He goes back down to the kitchen to find Paul pouring himself a scotch.

"I just wanted to tell you that I'll leave the door open, so you can, you know, check on him… during the night."

He doesn't really know what's possessed him to make the offer, but the gratitude he sees shining in his eyes tells him he's done the right thing, as does the hoarse  _thank you_  that Paul repeats back to him. He smiles softly and excuses himself. It's not quite yet midnight, but it feels much later and he pulls his phone from his pocket. Not surprisingly there's a message on his phone from Kurt and he reads the ' _Dave said he's fine, but can you confirm that? Glad you're there for him'_ and feels mixed emotions.

**FAF**

He wakes with one of Sebastian's arms wrapped around him, his body pressed along the length of his back and he feels more relaxed than last night. He doesn't know why he thought having dinner with his mom and step-dad would suddenly mean she accepts him for who he is, but a small part of him had definitely hoped that that had been the case. Instead he'd had to listen to her tell him it was wrong. That  _he_  was wrong, and sick, and needed to get help. He knows the only help he needs is his therapist to help him deal with how his mom is, which isn't the way it should be. He can accept complete strangers giving him the stink-eye, but having his own mother apparently love a book more than him just makes him hate himself. Likes he's not worth her time, even though he gets told it's her that isn't worth his time. He can't just give up on his relationship with his mother like that. Even if there's no real relationship to speak of.

He lets out a long sigh and feels Sebastian shift against him, kissing the back of his neck and he rolls over to face him, rubbing their noses together softly and smiling, because he's still not used to waking up with Sebastian, thrills at it every time it happens.

"Merry Christmas."

"Oh fuck. Yeah. Merry Christmas."

Sebastian laughs into his chest and he laughs as well. It's his first Christmas where he hasn't had to go to a midnight service and another during the day. Instead his dad and he, along with some of their relatives are going to Sebastian's parent's house.  _That's_  going to be weird, but he's also kind of excited to see them all intermingle. Sebastian has rolled away, is pulling something from his bag and then he's being given his first Christmas present.

"Seb, you didn't–"

"Fuck off, of course I did. Just be glad  _someone_  forced me to show some restraint, saying it might make you feel uncomfortable to shower you with gifts."

He grins shyly, looking at the smallish package Sebastian has laid in front of him because he knows Seb has to be referring to Kurt, and he'll have to thank him later, because  _yeah_ , of course Sebastian showering him with gifts would make him feel a little uncomfortable.

"Yeah well, you can shower me later… I mean–"

"Watersports huh?"

"Uh,  _no_. I meant you can shower  _with_  me. Shut up, I'm tired…"

"I like you half-asleep. It's amusing."

"Yeah yeah…"

"Come on, open it."

"But yours is under the tree downstairs."

This will be his first Christmas that he hasn't split between his mom and dad, and he's glad he went with his gut instinct to only have dinner with her last night, because the idea of seeing her today makes him feel tense.

"I'll open it later. Come on."

He's never seen Seb this excited before and just to annoy him he slowly and carefully undoes the tape, peeling it back carefully so as not to rip the paper. He looks up to meet Seb's eyes and he's being glared at and he laughs. For some reason that earns him a kiss, Sebastian's fingers threading through his hair and he feels warm and content, kissing back slowly before pulling back and opening the gift. At first he thinks they're season tickets for both the Rangers and Giants, but that makes no sense, because part of the season is over and…  _holy shit_. They're not season tickets, but they  _are_ tickets, to every remaining home game for the next six months. Fuck, if this is Seb  _not_  splashing out he hates to think what he would be like with no restraint.

"Seb, I can't accept this, it's too much."

"Well, don't think that too fast, I mean, they're all double passes, and you have to take someone, so…"

He laughs, relaxing a little, because yeah, he supposes that Sebastian's always going to come with him, and now he doesn't have to fight with Sebastian about who pays, because the craft asshole has made sure that as a gift he never has to pay again.

"You think you're so clever."

"Maybe."

"Pfft. There's no maybe about it, you definitely think you're clever."

"It's because I  _am_  clever. Admit it. These were genius."

"It's awesome. Thank you."

Seb grins at him, obviously pleased and he hopes his own gift will be as equally well received. It had taken months of planning, secrecy and he'd ended up getting Kurt's help, which he finds amusing considering Kurt has probably helped Sebastian, or at least held him back a little, which he's grateful for, because he didn't spend very much money at all. A cough from his doorway has him turning around, and his dad is standing there, already dressed, and he flushes, feeling a little self-conscious sitting on his bed with his boyfriend while his dad stands there.

"Maria's making pancakes. You two coming down?"

"Yeah, of course. Just, uh, let us get dressed."

His dad nods and pulls the door closed behind him and he's amazed at how fast Sebastian can move because he's being pressed back into the warmth of his bed, Seb's lips on his, tongue licking and teeth nipping.

"I really want to give you a Christmas day blow job, but I don't think we have time for that, and I don't know if you're really in the mood, but I just wanted to kiss you. Properly. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas you complete and utter sap."

"I wanted to give you a blow job, that's not sappy."

"Coming from you it is."

He pulls on his jeans and a shirt, wondering if he needs to dress up for Sebastian's house. Then again he really wants to have a shower before leaving the house, because he feels a bit wrecked from the crying last night, along with the cold sweats he'd experienced during dinner. Thinking about last night must show on his face because Sebastian crawls across his bed just to hug him and he feels a little idiotic for seeming so fragile, but he's not. Not anymore.

"Thanks for being there for me last night. I needed it."

"Anytime Fuzz."

Sebastian rubs his palm over his stubble and Dave rolls his eyes, pretending annoyance but he likes Seb's little pet name for him, and Sebastian knows it. He watches as Sebastian dresses and they head downstairs. The smell of bacon and coffee is heady and his stomach rumbles, because of course he was too upset to really eat last night. His dad sticks his head around the archway, eyebrow raised and Dave shrugs, jerking his head in the direction of the Christmas tree.

"I'm just going to give Sebastian his present, won't be a second."

He licks his lips, nerves suddenly jumping to the forefront and he shoves the tiny present at Sebastian before he can take it back, promise sexual favors in lieu of a gift. Fortunately Sebastian seems to pick up on his nerves, not drawing out the unwrapping process like he himself had and then the tiny music player is in Sebastian's hands. It's not as good as Sebastian's one, but he couldn't afford anything more than this, and he knows that what's on it will probably,  _hopefully_ , be of more value anyway.

"I know you already have an iPod, but this has…it's… me. Playing the piano. Uh. I played and recorded, because you tell me you like listening to me play, and now I figure you can listen to me play even when I'm not there."

" _Oh_."

The pleased surprise in Sebastian's voice relaxes something inside of him and he smiles softly at himself, feeling like he did something right.

"Thank you. I can't wait to listen to it. Did you put The Piano Duet on here?"

"Yeah, it's the first song," he says, grinning, because he kind of thinks of it as their song, and obviously Sebastian does a little as well, and he likes that. Quite a lot.

"Good. I like that song."

He doesn't know whether to mention that there are two versions of the song on there, one which he did by himself, like the time he played it for Sebastian, and another version, where he and Kurt are playing together. He'd been unsure about putting it on there, but Kurt had spent a long time practicing, secretly, so in the end he'd put it on.

Breakfast passes effortlessly, but he supposes that he's comparing it to dinner, which had been fraught with tension for him, so this is the opposite end of the spectrum for him. His step-mom is nice enough, she hasn't said anything about him being sick, which gives her points in his book. He helps clean up, and Seb helps, which has him frowning but Sebastian just shakes his head and says  _don't ask_  under his breath. He excuses himself to go shower and change, which he's going to do despite Sebastian insisting he doesn't need to.

They both shave, standing side-by-side in the bathroom, and it's a lot more cramped here than in Seb's bathroom at the apartment. That's the excuse Sebastian uses every time he  _accidentally_  brushes himself against Dave's ass. It's getting distracting, and he's already got two nicks from his razor. A very definitive grind means another nick and he catches Seb's eyes in the mirror.

"Seb, could you just… not?"

"Really? I was thinking about the blow job I mentioned earlier."

He groans, because a part of him really likes the idea, but he's also mindful of the fact that they are meant to be getting ready to  _leave_ , and his dad has been really good with everything and he really doesn't want to push that right now.

"Okay, sorry. No blowjobs."

"Maybe mutual hand jobs in the shower?"

Sebastian  _beams_  at him.

Of course his shower isn't made for two, although it does force them to stand together closely, hands gripping each other before they decide that for expediencies sake to swap back to jerking themselves off. It doesn't stop them kissing, or their other hand stroking over lathered-up skin, and it's almost like a waking dream, a fantasy, his own hand on his cock, knowing exactly the fastest way to get himself off. Having Sebastian's body pressed up against him, feeling his body thrust into his fist in the small space of his shower cubicle, as he makes the familiar sounds of arousal is another layer completely and it just drives him faster towards his orgasm.

He tries not to blush or look guilty when they go back downstairs, and he wishes that he could look as calm and collected as Sebastian but suspects his dad knows exactly what has happened. Well, maybe not  _exactly_ , but enough that he can't seem to meet his eyes, doesn't want to see hurt or disappointment like he sees in his mother's eyes each time she looks at him.

They're meant to be having Christmas lunch at Seb's house, although Seb has told him it's closer to three in the afternoon, so he's glad they've all had a large breakfast. He goes with Seb in his car, his dad and Maria following with his grandfather, and then Maria's sister and her kids in a car after that, like a small convoy. He really needs to find some way to thank Annelise for pretty much inviting his family.

When Sebastian pulls into the drive he does a double take. Seb had warned him, but he's still not really prepared for the complete overabundance of everything Christmas. The trees  _outside_  are decorated, and he can hear the excited squeals of his step-cousins even though they are two cars behind them. He sneaks a quick glance and sure enough Seb is smiling slightly and he shakes his head, because he obviously hadn't taken the warning seriously enough, thinking he's been exaggerating. But apparently not.

He thinks the Christmas tree in the foyer is big, smiles at the wide-eyed wonder of the little kids, but then he goes through to the living area and he knows he probably looks the same, mouth open, eyes-wide. He looks at Sebastian with a disbelieving look and just got a shrug in return before he leans against him, voice low as he whispers in his ear.

"It's mostly for my dad's work Christmas party which they host every year. Plus my mom loves Christmas." He says it with a ' _what do you do?'_  type shrug and he smiles.

**FAF**

It feels good, having him here and mixing with his family. Of course he feels bad that Dave has to put up with the craziness that is his extended family, but things go amazingly well, and he feels comfortable and content, more than he would have ever thought possible, because it's kind of a big deal, having your families share a holiday like this, meeting for the first time properly.

He relaxes against Dave, leaning his head against his shoulder as the smaller kids use their stretched out legs as either race-ways or obstacle course for their new toy cars. He's not sure, and he's too tired and full of good food to care overly much. There's present opening, and he's already received his, although Paul is standing in front of him and holding out two almost identical packages.

"Here, these are from Kurt. He dropped by the other day for me to give them to you."

He and Dave take them, and each gift has a beautifully made tag on it with their names, and he can tell Kurt has made them himself. He picks his off carefully, wanting to keep it safe and accepts Dave's as he passes him his own little tag. He feels relieved that he gave Kurt a gift yesterday, and it explains Kurt's enigmatic smile and complete lack of guilt that he hadn't had a gift to exchange, he'd circumnavigated it by giving it to Dave's dad, which is actually kind of sweet, because if he  _hadn't_  given Kurt a gift he'd have time before he saw him again to get him one.

He opens it and stares at the shirt in his hands, and he can see from the corner of his eye that Dave has a shirt as well, and he shakes it out. It's… _nice_. And he knows Kurt has made it himself, because there's a little tag with  _Handmade by Hummel_  written on it in Kurt's tiny cursive script. The material is cream with earthy-colored pinstripes through it, but at the cuffs and collar there is a dark green fabric, adding a nice level of detail.

He looks to Dave's shirt and realizes his is made in contrasting colors; solid green but with the pinstriped material at the cuffs. He notices other little things, like how Dave has buttons on his cuffs but his own cuffs are made to wear with cufflinks, the collar in his own seems stiffer, but Dave's softer, because Dave still doesn't like wearing tight collars if he can help it. He has no idea when Kurt found the time to make these, but he likes it. Not as much as Dave's gift, but the fact that it's been made especially for him makes him happy. Although that could be the eggnog.

**FAF**

He spends the day after Christmas with Blaine, curled up under blankets on the sofa pretending it's cold just so they can snuggle together and watch movies. They exchange gifts and he doesn't have to feign surprise at the CDs Blaine has bought him, because he would have thought Blaine would know he already has all this music on his iPod. Regardless he thanks him, giving Blaine the jacket and matching bowtie he's slaved over the last few months. Worry curls in his gut that he won't like it, and his response isn't overly enthusiastic. He's pretty sure Blaine doesn't even realize that he's made them himself.

He pushes it away, not wanting to think about it right now, despite knowing he really  _does_  need to talk to Blaine. Everything feels okay with them right now, and has done for the last few days, but it's like his senior year all over again, but sped up and he feels helpless in the face of Blaine distancing himself. The last week has been wonderful, but there is another week before he's meant to return to New York and already Blaine has stopped answering his text messages immediately, is making himself less available. At least this time he knows what he is doing, but it doesn't stop it hurting any less, and he knows Sebastian is right. He can't have this dragging him down when he's trying to have a life in New York that Blaine doesn't seem to want any part of.

Despite trying to not think about it, it eats away at his mind, and he wants to talk it out with Sebastian again, because he can see only one solution, but he doesn't want it to be the only solution. He doesn't want to break up with Blaine, even though he feels like his life in New York wouldn't alter very much at all. He'd probably even feel a little better because he wouldn't feel like Blaine was ignoring him, because if they aren't together he wouldn't expect Blaine to want to talk to him on Skype, or listen to him complain about his classes, or the latest show he and Sebastian have seen, or the most amazing recipe he and Dave have just tried.

He's missing them he realizes, and it's only been forty-eight hours. How he's going to cope when they go back to New York for New Years he has no idea. He's meant to be staying in Lima, spending time with Blaine, before going back on the fourth. He's not sure how that will play out anymore, his mind and heart settling the more he thinks about it. He can't be with someone just because he doesn't want to be alone, especially when he feels so alone anyway. That thought seems to coalesce everything in his mind, and he realizes that he's going to be going back to New York single, he just doesn't know when or how he's going to break up with a guy he still loves.

**FAF**

The next time he sees Kurt and Blaine together he knows it is coming, maybe before Kurt, although he doesn't think so, but definitely before Blaine. He supposes it's because he's able to read the sadness and determination in Kurt's expression, like he's hoarding away some happy moments because he knows the end is near. He's not surprised, and he doesn't envy them trying to have a long-distance relationship. He'd never have attempted something like that, but they'd both been so convinced it would work. He's sad that it hasn't, more than just for them.

He shares a couple of looks with Kurt, quietly asks him if he's alright and gets small tight smiles in response, Kurt saying he'll be alright. Dave doesn't seem to know, and he doesn't feel like enlightening him, just in case it makes Dave go all introspective on their own relationship. He knows that Kurt will be doing the right thing, because when he and Dave had worn their shirts, taking their jackets off in the Lima Bean, Kurt's face had lit up, making a happy exclamation that they were wearing them, and that they fit so well. Blaine had been surprised to learn that Kurt made clothes and he knows the look he'd given Sebastian had been one of his old scathing looks, because both Kurt and Dave had frowned at him. But Blaine just doesn't seem to be aware of how multi-talented Kurt is.

He and Dave seem to both want to spend as much time with Kurt before they go back, and it's nice to spend time together without the stresses of essays, finals and presentations bearing down on them all. Not to mention the cooking, cleaning and general  _stuff_  that is one of the responsibilities of having an apartment. So he invites Kurt and Blaine to stay at his parent's, and there are still family around, but it's still nice. Kurt thanks him for the Broadway tickets and he just laughs, telling him the same thing he'd told Dave, in that he expects to be the person Kurt takes with him. He assuages his curiosity about where Kurt found the time and place to make their shirts and Kurt smirks at him, muttering ' _Costume department at NYADA_ ', and the smirk makes him feel like he's rubbing off on him.

When it comes to say goodbye at the train station the hug he gives Kurt takes him by surprise, although from the look on Kurt's face he's equally as shocked. Dave is laughing at them both, pushing him aside to gently give Kurt a hug of his own and he shakes himself mentally, because  _hugging_ … really? He knows he'd given Kurt a hug on Christmas Eve, but that had been more out of shared worry for Dave than anything… like this. He puts it down to the fact that he's kind of worried that they won't be there for him, for when he finally breaks up with Blaine, but he knows Kurt will have his dad, and he has other friends, and he will be seeing him again in only five days.

**FAF**

They're getting ready to go out for dinner, and that feels like a ridiculously  _old_  thing to do on New Year's Eve. He knows what Sebastian and Dave are planning and wishes he'd agreed to go back early, experience a New Year's in New York. Except he'd given in to Blaine's pleas that he stay in Lima for as long as possible, and now he's regretting it, feeling a little bitter and resentful that he's here and not where he wants to be. He can't take it all out on Blaine though, it was his decision to make. But it does solidify the fact in his head that he really needs to break up with him. He's tried talking, as a type of warning that he's not happy, but Blaine has effectively shut him down each time and he's just let him.

"I don't want you to go back."

"I – what?"

"I don't want you to go back. I want you to stay here with me."

He knows Blaine isn't serious, but the whining tone in his voice irritates him. The last few months he's tried to keep up the contact between them, and looking back it feels like it has been largely one-sided. Even now he seems selfish, not realizing how much Kurt loves New York. How stifled he feels in Lima. How stifled he feels with Blaine. He feels like throwing up, the realization that while he loves Blaine, he isn't right for him. And he's not right for Blaine either.

Emotional floodgates seem to open and he's crying, and he can hear the concern in Blaine's voice, asking him what's wrong, and this isn't how he wanted to do this, but the words are pouring out, everything he's been feeling.

"I need to break up with you. I want to break up with you."

Blaine tries to reason with him, tries to argue, but he just shakes his head, knowing he needs to stick this out, even though it's ripping him up inside. Blaine eventually leaves. He doesn't blame him, and he just curls into himself, pulling his duvet over his body and trying to ignore the fact that it smells like Blaine.

**FAF**

"We're never fucking doing this again."

Dave laughs, because he doesn't care about the crush of people, or the fact that it took them ten times as long to make what is usually a five minute stroll. Times Square on New Year's Eve. He can hardly believe that he's here, the lights, cameras and the positive feelings everyone around them seems to be exuding.

"Fuck, Kurt would love this."

"Yeah, he would," Sebastian replies, and there's a look of horror on his face, and he's immediately concerned.

"What?"

"I just realized we're going to have to do this at least once more so that Kurt can experience it."

"Yeah, we are," Dave says, looking up and smiling as the ball drops.


	5. JANUARY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This ends on what could be described as a cliff hanger.

**JANUARY**

"What the fuck…"

"Hmm?"

"Kurt… he just text me. Him and Blaine broke up. He's coming back to New York early." He watches Dave stand there looking shocked. "What the actual fuck? We only saw them a couple of days ago and they seemed…  _fine_."

He knows that his phone probably has the same message on it, but he'd turned it off last night, not wanting the continuous beeps and vibrations of  _Happy New Year!_  messages coming through his phone all night disrupting his sleep. Or not sleep. He had more important things to do, enjoying having the apartment to themselves being at the top of the list. He goes and grabs his phone, squeezing Dave's hand as he walks past. Sure enough there's a couple of texts from Kurt and even though he knew it was coming he feels a little sick for him, knowing that Kurt has got to be hurting right now. He sits beside Dave on the sofa and lets out a long sigh.

"You knew didn't you? You're not surprised at all."

"I….  _yeah_." He runs a hand through his hair. "Kind of. I knew things weren't okay a couple of months ago, which is why Kurt went back for that long weekend, to try and sort things out."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Uh, because it's not my place to tell you?"

He'd assumed that maybe Kurt would have told Dave but the  _hurt_  on Dave's face right now tells a different story. Dave's hurt because Kurt hadn't told him that he'd been having problems with Blaine, and the thought makes his heart clench and he moves closer, wrapping an arm around Dave's neck, placing a small kiss on his cheek.

"You seem to be taking this pretty hard."

"Uh, yeah. Maybe? It's just… you know I never liked Blaine. Huh. Maybe that's why Kurt didn't tell me…"

"Maybe." Strangely he can believe that Kurt would do such a thing. Maybe that's why Kurt talked to him, because he thought that Sebastian liked Blaine?  _Hmm_.

"But he and Kurt seemed really happy together and they were the first gay couple I ever knew and it's just… weird to think of them not together anymore. And… because Kurt didn't even tell me they weren't okay it's… it feels completely out of the blue."

"It's not. Kurt's been thinking about it for a couple of months."

"And you left him in Lima knowing he'd be doing this? That he'd need us there?"

"Uh –"

" _Fuck_. He doesn't need us there. He has his dad and all his friends there right now."

He keeps quiet, wondering if Dave even needs him to have this conversation. He hadn't thought about staying behind, although he wonders what he'd have done if Kurt had asked them to stay. He's under no illusions that Kurt wouldn't just ask him, that he and Dave are pretty much a package deal in Kurt's mind, and he's okay with that. Mostly. The fact that Kurt is pretty much his closest friend after Dave is something he doesn't examine too closely. He wonders if Kurt realizes it.

"I think if Kurt needed us he'd have let us know. He's strong."

"Yeah. He is."

It doesn't stop the worried expression on Dave's face though and he smoothes over the little frown line between his brows, kissing the knuckles on Dave's hand as he holds it, before wrapping his arm around him and knows he never wants to let him go.

**FAF**

His dad hadn't wanted to let him go, insisting that he needed the support of his family and friends. He'd pointed out, in a brief moment between bouts of tears, that his two best friends were in New York, and that he wanted to be with them. He knows it's the only reason his dad helped him change his tickets, because he'd needed to get out of Lima, away from everything that reminds him of Blaine, and the fact that Blaine had started sitting in his car outside his house and sending him sad text messages. That had been slightly creepy actually, now that he thinks about it.

He pushes open the apartment door and the sense of homecoming is immense. He can hear Dave playing the piano, or maybe it's Seb listening to the recording Dave made, but either way he feels immediately a hundred times more relaxed. He wheels his bag into his bedroom and collapses onto his bed, staring at the ceiling. He hasn't cried in the last hour or so, but he feels exhausted, emotionally drained after the last two days and then the journey back, which had seemed longer and lonelier with David and Sebastian for company.

"Hey. You okay?"

He shrugs wordlessly, because he's not going to lie, but if he says anything else he's going to start crying again and he's still a little hesitant about letting down his guard that much around Sebastian.

"Can I get you anything? Coffee? Wine? Blaine's balls in a jar?"

A snort of unexpected laughter escapes, and he feels better already.

"I don't think I'd want those as a keepsake. The sentiment is noted though."

He wonders if it would be easier if he loved Blaine less, or if there had been a more solid reason for the breakup rather than it just not feeling right anymore. He wonders if he will always wonder. He'd thought he wanted to be alone, to sit and listen to music and cry, but he doesn't feel like any of that now. Food, company and maybe a movie are sounding better by the minute and he's certain Sebastian would actually like something to do. To feel useful.

"Actually, a glass of wine and some pizza would be really good right now."

He knows it's too much to expect Sebastian to actually cook something, they'd probably end up huddled under blankets on the street while the fire department put out whatever concoction Sebastian tried to make in the kitchen. There's a reason he's invested in the small fire extinguished he keeps in kitchen, although in Sebastian's defense he's never actually set anything on fire.

"Sure thing. Any preference?"

"Cheese. Lots and  _lots_  of cheese."

Sebastian nods decisively, turning on his heel and he decides that a shower would probably make him feel better, and waste time while he waits for the food to arrive. He's out pretty quickly, dressing in his pajamas. It's taken him a while to feel relaxed walking around in his pajamas in front of Sebastian and Dave, but considering they both walk around shirtless he's gotten over it. Mostly. A small part of him is still a little horrified that he lets people see him sleep rumbled with his hair flopping around his face, but he just has to let it go. Besides, he knows neither David nor Sebastian care what he looks like.

He curls up on the sofa, watching as Sebastian brings up Project Runway reruns, something they both like watching, and reaches for the wine glass on the coffee table. He would have put coasters down, there is a whole drawer full of them, indicating they should be used, but Sebastian never does and he noted that his parents didn't either when they stayed.

"Where's Dave tonight?

"He's doing laundry at his place, because we thought you were coming back tomorrow and he wanted to be here."

Part of him is glad that it's just him and Sebastian, because Sebastian doesn't expect him to talk. He's usually fairly closed off with his feelings, and sure, while he  _will_  talk if Kurt initiates it, there is no expectation there. He'll be quite content just to let Kurt eat and drink some of his own misery. That's what he wants right now. The pizza arrives and they sit and eat, muttering about the contestants, judges and clothes, even though they both know the outcome. Of course two glasses of wine in he breaks.

"I feel like crap. I mean…  _I_  broke up with  _him_  on New Year's Eve. That has to be one of the worst times to break up with someone. Or have someone break up with you. I didn't think I would feel this bad." He doesn't need to look at Sebastian to know he is uncomfortable, and he laughs again, because he hadn't meant to make him feel like that. "Sorry." He says the word quietly, can feel his throat tightening again at the threat of tears and he feels so stupid and emotional.

"No. It's okay… just…I think you feel bad because you don't like the fact that he's hurting. You know what I mean?"

He sniffs, forces himself to swallow and swirls the wine in his glass just to have something to do.

"What? If it was just me feeling bad then I'd be coping better?"

"Yeah. I think so. At least not  _as_  bad. You feel worse because you know Blaine's hurting, and you… you don't like the idea of anyone being hurt."

"I…" he stops and considers it. He's never really thought of it that way before, but maybe Sebastian has a point. He's always accepted apologies, let things slide, because he doesn't want the people around him to feel bad because of him. People feeling bad because of him makes him feel like shit, like David when he truly apologized, even though he hadn't quite yet been ready to accept the full apology he'd done it anyway, because he knew David would feel better. The same with Finn and Noah. Making himself not hit the high F so his dad wouldn't get more anonymous phone calls. There are so many, now that he thinks about it, and he realizes that he still feels guilty over a lot of it. God, that's a revelation.

"I… I'm not going to say this again, but I think you're right."

"I – really?"

"I know. I'm just as shocked as you. I think I've always wanted to please everyone around me, and that's exhausting."

"Yep. You can never please  _everyone_. So you should try and please yourself."

"I don't think I could take it that far."

"You should try it some time. Being completely selfish and just doing what you want and damn the consequences."

"Yeah, I think that's terrible advice."

"See, you never worry about making me feel bad. Just imagine everyone as me."

"That would be a living nightmare."

"Pfft. I know you find me hot."

Kurt rolls his eyes, because he's not going to deny it and start an argument, but neither is he going to agree because Sebastian's ego is perfectly healthy and does not need any more over inflation. He goes quiet and they go back to watching the TV, but his mind is still going through everything and he wonders what other gems of advice Sebastian might have hidden away. He grins at himself, at the completely unbelievable situation that finds him sitting here drinking wine and discussing his breakup with Sebastian of all people.

"He keeps texting me."

"So block his number."

"I – harsh! I wouldn't do that…"

"Kurt, seriously. You have to be a  _little_  selfish. Have you told him to stop texting you?"

He lets out a long sigh and shakes his head.

"No."

"You have any plans on ever getting back together with him?"

He shrugs and looks away.

"I still love him."

"But…" He hears the silent  _'you still broke up with him'_  and sighs again.

"Yeah.  _But_."

He's waiting for Sebastian to make a joke, something about there not being room for butts in relationships, or something equally crude, but nothing comes.

"Looks, there's no good time to break up with someone. You did what you needed to do. And I mean there's nothing to say you guys don't get back together in the future. You know, work through stuff as individuals before you can work through stuff as a couple."

"When did you get so wise?" Kurt asks, because that actually sounds like something he could believe happening.

"Pfft, don't ask me. It's probably Dave rubbing off on me."

"Probably."

**FAF**

He stares at the message on his phone, the one from Sebastian saying Kurt has arrived home already and he has to say he's surprised. He'd kind of thought Kurt would want to stay home and mope for a bit but then again he's never really been sure of Kurt's motives for anything. He sends a quick message back, asking Seb if he wants him to join him and gets a negative response. He's fine with that, he'd kind of been planning on catching up with some school work and necessary chores around his dorm room. Like dealing with the dust which has to be like half an inch thick.

He leaves early the next day though, wanting to see Kurt and ask if there's anything he can do, which he seriously doubts but he wants to make the offer anyway. When he lets himself into the apartment he's not surprised to find Sebastian fast asleep on the sofa and Kurt in the kitchen eating breakfast. It's only been two days since he saw Kurt but he looks… different. Softer and tired, but also a bit more relaxed than usual. Still sad, but in a different way. He looks over to where Seb is sleeping and wonders whether talking would wake him. He shrugs internally, it's time he got up anyway.

"Hey. I'm sorry about you and Blaine."

"Thanks," Kurt replies, shrugging, his top slipping over a bare shoulder as he does so. "It was for the best though. We just aren't made out for long distance."

"Still sucks though. Anything I can do?"

"No. Thanks. But no. I'll just… I'll get through this. I mean, I've gotten through much worse." He winces. "David. I wasn't meaning you. I was thinking about my dad's heart attack, and coming out and… bigger things."

"Oh. Okay."

"Not that you aren't a big part of my life now, but… I'm good at getting through things. So are you for that matter. I mean, we're both still here aren't we?"

He smiles slightly and nods, because  _yeah_ , they are both still here, something which he's grateful for. He accepts the cup of coffee from Kurt, sees that he's pouring a third cup and turns to find Sebastian standing and watching them.

"You couldn't wake me up so I could sleep in my own bed Hummel?"

"I tried. You told me to fuck off."

Dave snorts into his coffee, made perfectly, and laughs at the disgruntled look on Seb's face.

"Don't you laugh; it's you who's going to give me a massage to help work out the knots in my neck."

"Yeah yeah, like that's a hardship," Dave says, and then feels a spike of unease that maybe his and Seb's flirting will be too hard for him to bear. Instead Kurt looks amused which makes him relax, because he doesn't really want to censor himself around Kurt, although he would do, if that helped.

"You want it now? So you can go back to sleep?" Dave asks.

"Oh…  _yeah._  That sounds divine. Mmm. Come on."

He glances at Kurt in time to catch his eye roll and smile, the waving of a hand like he's somehow giving them permission and he lets Sebastian drag him down to their bedroom. Seb seems fairly intent on his massage, striping his shirt off and throwing actual massage oil at him, the stuff Sebastian usually saves for long relaxing baths which Dave never wants to partake in because it had been boring the first time. Sebastian lies on the bed face down, his arms by his side and Dave straddles him carefully, warming the oil in his palms before sliding his hands up Seb's bare back.

The quiet hum of approval makes him smile and he's pretty confident this isn't going to turn into anything sexual like it usually does. He starts naming the back muscles in his head, and the bones, knowing keeping his mind busy with that will stop him thinking about the fact he has Seb half-naked beneath him. He works the slightly tighter muscles in Sebastian's neck and shoulders; laughing quietly at the  _sngh_  sound of relaxed pleasure that Seb makes.

He likes that he can make him feel like this. He keeps working, his hands warming up as they press and massage the muscles. It's not even been fifteen minutes when he hears the snuffling sound and he stops, watches as Seb squishes his face further into his pillow and he huffs in amusement and moves carefully, pulling the duvet up to keep him warm. He watches for a brief moment, runs a hand through Sebastian's hair before placing a soft kiss to his forehead and leaving him to sleep.

He finds Kurt in his bedroom, the door open and Kurt watching something on his laptop, headphones in. He moves into his line of sight and waves, feeling a little awkward but less so when Kurt pulls out his headphones.

"Hey."

"Hey. I – uh… that was fast."

"He fell asleep."

"Oh," Kurt blushes and he realizes the connection Kurt's making in his head. The reaon for the headphones. Fucking hell, now  _he's_  blushing.

"Fuck Kurt, I gave him a  _massage_. An actual massage. He fell asleep because he was relaxed. I'm kind of insulted you think I'm potentially that bad at sex Seb would fall asleep."

"Well, we were up pretty late last night talking. He's pretty tired."

He's not quite sure how to respond to that without divulging multiple tidbits about his sex life so he just keeps his mouth shut.

"What are you watching?"

"Oh, it's a Broadway show. We have to write a critique on the choreography."

"That sounds…" he pauses, unsure of what to say, because it sounds boring as hell to him, although he knows Seb would jump at the chance to pick holes in other people's dancing.

"It's kind of boring. I'd rather just watch and enjoy to be honest."

"Yeah, well, I can't even do that half the time. You want some mac and cheese for lunch? I'm going to head out to the shops. We didn't really get anything yesterday. Or the day before."

"Yes. I noticed," Kurt smirks and he pokes his tongue out, because if Kurt can tease him about the fact that he and Seb didn't leave the apartment for thirty-six hours then he can definitely tease back.

"You want anything?"

"No, well, usual groceries. You have the apartment ATM card right?"

He nods, because if he's cooking and feeding Kurt and Sebastian then yes, they can help pay for the food. It had been one of the things he'd compromised on early on.

"I'll see you in a bit. Enjoy the show."

Kurt groans, putting a headphone back in and he waves, heading back out. He comes back an hour later, laden down with more groceries than usual given their completely empty fridge and pantry. The only thing they had stopped to buy had been milk and that had been in the airport and because he knew they would need it for coffee if nothing else. He waves at Kurt who is busy scowling at his laptop and heads into the kitchen, putting things away and leaving out the things he needs to make lunch. While he's planning on making mac and cheese it's not the healthiest option, so he makes a large side salad to go with it.

He puts it in the oven and settles down to do some class work of his own, hoping to be a little ahead when classes start back in three days. The smell of ham, onion and melted cheese fills the apartment and a part of him is secretly pleased that all three of them like such a mundane meal. He's pretty sure Seb's dad would be horrified if he ever found out that they eat it while drinking some of the wine in his collection.

"God that smells good," Kurt says, falling into the seat opposite him and he looks up.

"Yeah, should be ready in about five."

"You and warm cheese… it's becoming a thing."

"Hey, you're awake again…" Dave says, smiling as Sebastian collapses against him on the sofa.

"It's my comfort food okay? Just let me wallow and I'll worry about the dimpling on my thighs later."

"The only dimples you have to worry about are the ones on your cheeks," Sebastian mutter and he snorts, mainly because Sebastian and Kurt both look horrified and it's amusing as hell. They're so used to snarking at each other whenever there's a stray compliment it takes both of them by surprise.

"Come on, you can compete over burning calories later. First you can compete with consuming them."

**FAF**

He doesn't text Blaine back. He doesn't answer his calls. He stops answering calls from everyone still at McKinley when Blaine starts using their phones to ring him, obviously realizing that Kurt is deliberately ignoring him. He tells himself he's not doing it to be cruel, that he doesn't want to lead Blaine on, make him think that there might be hope for their relationship in the future.

As much as Sebastian's words about them potentially getting back together once they've worked through stuff sounds plausible, he doesn't think he wants to contemplate a future relationship with Blaine. He realizes now that he was quite high maintenance, and he considers  _himself_  quite high maintenance, and having two of those type of people in a relationship just means a lot of hard work. Plus he'd always felt like he was making a compromise.

It's been almost two weeks now, Dave has pretty much moved in, and he can tell he's concerned, eyes quietly watching him every time they're in the same room. Sebastian drags him out to a show exactly one week from the day, and he doesn't even think about it really, just enjoys the show. Classes have started so they keep him busy, distracted, and when he seems to get even a little despondent Sebastian or Dave seem to be there, usually insisting on walks to get coffee, not letting him sit around and wallow despite how much he wants to some days.

Even when he allows himself to wallow he adores the fact that neither Sebastian or David are curtailing their words or actions, they're still themselves and rather than giving him pangs of loneliness it instead makes him feel hopeful. He knows that one day he will have that. An easy relationship, where he doesn't have to hide anything and is supported as fully as he needs while he supports the other person. He knows theirs' is not an ideal relationship, or perfect, because there's too much yelling in it to really make him comfortable, but it's all tempered by love, something he can almost see pouring out of both of them. If anything it makes him envious.

**FAF**

"Come on."

"What?"

"I'm taking you with me. It looks like you need to yell and scream and maybe even cry and grown men can do that at a hockey game and no one will ask questions."

"I don't need to go to a hockey game to yell, scream or cry David. I have a perfectly good bedroom that more than suffices."

"Just… come on. At least try it. Please?"

He knows he's playing dirty when he uses the word please and turns on what Seb calls his puppy dog eyes, all sad and pleading. When Kurt huffs and stands up he knows he's won and he holds back a triumphant smirk. Seb has a group meeting for a presentation for class; a meeting they're holding tonight in the apartment and he figures he can kill several birds with one stone. Seb is feeling guilty that he can't make the game because of the group meeting; the one that's been re-scheduled four times and is due on Monday. Plus Kurt really does look like he needs to vent some anger, and he knows that it will most likely be directed at Seb if they stay in the same vicinity as one another. Taking Kurt with him gets him out of Seb's hair, and hopefully Kurt can let out whatever he has bottled inside him and neither of them will come to blows. Not that they've gone beyond snarkiness with each other recently, but still, he'd like to think he's preventing potential bloodshed.

They take their seats and he carefully puts their drinks on the ground beneath his seat, although he knows as soon as something exciting happens he's bound to forget and knock them over when he stands up. Kurt sits, crossing his legs and unwrapping his scarf. Instead of feeling self-conscious at Kurt's actions and appearance he finds it doesn't bother him in the slightest.

"Okay, which team are we rooting for?"

"The Rangers." Kurt looks at him blankly. "The guys in the white shirts."

"Right. With the red and blue trim?"

"Yeah. Them," Dave says, grinning.

The game starts and it quickly becomes apparent Kurt has a good voice. He knew that, of course, he's heard him sing a number of times, but he had never realized that it would be just as effective at screaming. He can only assume that Kurt's lung capacity must be impressive. He really gets into it, screaming and singing along with the rest of the crowd, really seeming to enjoy the atmosphere. He lets himself relax completely and enjoy the game. When it comes to the end of the second period his drink is of course all over the floor, although he did manage to drink about half.

"I'm just going to the bathroom. You want anything?"

Kurt shakes his head and he pats him on the shoulder as he works his way past him to the stairs. There's a queue for the bathroom, and again for more food, and even though Kurt didn't ask for it he grabs a mochaccino and some mozzarella sticks, figuring he'll eat them if Kurt doesn't want them. He gets back to his chair to find some strange guy sitting in it, leaning toward Kurt and he hears the end of what Kurt was saying as he stands there and glares, not giving a flying fuck if he seems rude.

"– not my boyfriend. His boyfriend is at home. I'm single."

He looks between Kurt and the guy, probably glaring some more and the guy looks up and smiles at him and he narrows his eyes. That just seems to amuse the guy in question and he hasn't felt this annoyed in a long time.

"Can I give you my number?"

"Thanks, but I'm really not looking right now. I just got out of a relationship."

"Well, when you're ready maybe you could call me?" The guy persists, pulling a business card out of his wallet and passing it to Kurt, and the guy has to be at least ten years their senior. Creeper.

"Oh. Um. Thanks. But… I'm probably not going to use it."

"That's fine. Just take it anyway."

Kurt does, smiling uncomfortably now and he glares after the guy as he shuffles down the aisle towards an empty seat and he sits down in his seat abruptly.

"Are you seriously thinking of dating that guy?"

"What?  _No!_  I was just… practicing flirting? I don't know. I didn't think I would ever have the opportunity to hone that particular skill at a hockey game."

"Yeah. No. Neither did I." He glances down the row of seats and the guy is talking to what Dave assumes are his friends. He looks normal, good looking he supposes, but at least Blaine was an evil he knew.  _Fuck_. Kurt might start dating someone  _worse_. That thought hadn't occurred to him and he feels a little worried as the final period starts. He quickly forgets his worries though when they get up to leave after the game and Kurt drops the card in with the rest of their trash. Okay then.

"So, what did you think?" He asks as they head back to the apartment.

"It was…good. Surprisingly exhilarating."

"You want to come next time?"

"No. Not unless I need to. Or you think I need to. I didn't even know I needed that. My throat couldn't handle that very often though."

"Yeah well, I figured you might like it as a once off, even if all you did was complain the whole time."

"Hey! I didn't complain once!"

"I didn't say you did. I just meant… I thought it would be good for you."

"Yes well, it was. Thank you."

**FAF**

It's already been almost four weeks, and there are good days when Kurt seems almost like his old self, and then there are bad days, or nights rather, when he knows Kurt has been crying. If his door is open he'll offer to make him a drink, if it's closed he can't stop himself from pausing outside and wishing there was something more he could do. He knows that he and Dave are helping, but it just doesn't feel like enough sometimes. That's why when he finds Kurt and Dave watching movies occasionally he tries to not let the jealousy in his gut take over. He  _trusts_  Dave. He trusts Kurt as well, and he always feels welcome to join them, which he always does, knowing that the images of Dave and Kurt curled up together watching movies are solely in his imagination.

Sometimes he wishes he knew what Dave was thinking when he catches him looking at him or Kurt. He doesn't know if it's because Kurt is now single that he's become extra vigilant, or whether Dave is looking more. He tries not to over think it, although when Dave expresses concern about Kurt dating a douche that is even worse than Blaine he doesn't know if he should agree or worry about the fact that Dave doesn't seem to want Kurt to be dating again.

He leans against the kitchen bench watching Kurt start preparing dinner and appreciates that on the whole though things feel good. He's happy the majority of the time and convinces himself that he's worrying over nothing with regards to Dave and any possible interest he might have in Kurt and vice versa. They wouldn't do that to him, because they're decent guys. He huffs and sets his glass down, because he can't believe that his two closest friends are probably two of the most honorable people he knows, and considering his past activities it must look weird to outsiders.

"You have to go out and buy some more milk."

"Hmm. What? Why me?" He pulls a face because it's dark and sleeting outside, the last thing he wants to do is go out in it.

"I'm cooking. You can go out and get the fucking milk. I know you drank the last of it. Don't pretend like you didn't because you're the only one who doesn't rinse his glass and it's right over there Sebastian! It's still cold! And you have some on the corner of your mouth still!"

"Fine! I'm going, I'm going!" He laughs, glad that Kurt is having a good day, and he promises to return with more milk. It's habit, he does it without even thinking as he leaves, his thumb stroking downward over his heart in his silent  _I love you_  that he's only ever said to Dave. When he shuts the door behind him he leans on it, his stomach churning and he knows he is probably ghostly white. He can't believe he just said that.  _Did that_. It felt  _right_ , but now he can't shake the sense of it just being weird. The only thing that is even slightly reassuring is that Kurt has no idea what it means.

**FAF**

He stands there with his mouth open, blinking and unable to move. He must have imagined it, because there is  _no way_  that Sebastian just told him, albeit silently, that he loved him. In a completely platonic way of course, because he's pretty sure that Sebastian doesn't love him like he loves Dave, because that would just be… weird. The smell of burning draws him out of his thoughts and he looks at the half-raw half-black diced onion pieces charred by hot butter and lets out a quiet ' _crap'_  before turning off the heat and deciding to start from scratch.

He thinks about it as he scrapes and washes the pan, and he starts to realize he likes it more and more. Not the abject look of horror on Sebastian's face of course, but the fact that they feel the same way about each other. Really close friends. Which is nice, because they live together and he wants to be good friends with the person he lives with. He's not sure how Sebastian would react if he verbally reciprocated the words though, and he's not going to use the little gesture they have. That's private, between David and Sebastian, despite the fact that Sebastian just used it with him he knows it wasn't intentional.

Recalling what David said about Sebastian, and not saying the words very often he decides that actions are probably the way to go. He mentally catalogues all of Sebastian's favorite foods, he already knows how he takes his coffee, and taking him to shows is now easy considering the ticket Sebastian gave him for Christmas. He tosses the newly diced onion into the hot butter and stirs it, feeling good.

**FAF**

There's something up with Seb but he has no idea what it is. He's pretty sure there's something up with Kurt too but he can't pinpoint it and he can't be certain it isn't Blaine related. They seem to be avoiding each other though. No. That's not quite correct. Sebastian seems to be avoiding Kurt, and Kurt seems to be acting… more attentive toward Sebastian. He's pretty sure he's not imagining it but he just can't figure out  _why_. He's baffled until he realizes the possible reason.

Kurt  _likes_  Sebastian.

He feels like being sick.


	6. February (A)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's note: My apologies for the time it has taken to get this updated. I have moved house, had tonsillitis, had a child hospitalized etc etc. I.e. RL got to the point where everything else went on the back burner. Thanks to Ilarina for giving the majority of this a read-over and assuring me I haven't lost it totally as a writer. Obviously all mistakes are mine.
> 
> Warning: ANGST. (It's only going to get worse).

**FEBRUARY – PART ONE**

He'd ask Kurt for advice except he's not sure what Kurt could say to be reassuring. So he muddles along, trying to be extra attentive both in bed and out. Nothing eases or erases the churning in his stomach completely though, that if he doesn't make it special somehow that Seb will replace him with someone who suits him better. Like Kurt. The more he thinks about it the more he knows he's right, and also that he's missed something between them.

Kurt has also been more attentive, but seems to be almost apologetic in his actions, or soothing, and even though Sebastian is  _trying_  to ignore Kurt; Dave knows Sebastian's aware of it on some level, like he's trying too hard to ignore him. He wants to know what's happened, however he doesn't want to ask. Scared of the answer. For all Kurt's actions, he doesn't seem aware that Sebastian even likes him like that. However Dave knows what Sebastian looks like when he finds someone attractive, not only because most of the time it's directed at him. Despite his fears nothing happens, Sebastian also seems even more attentive than usual and he wonders if he's jumping at ghosts, or whether Sebastian is feeling guilty. That thought makes him sick. Kurt seems to be crying less, which makes him feel a little better about monopolizing more of Sebastian's time.

Valentine's Day is  _right there_ , and he's been trying to figure out what to do since New Year's. He doesn't exactly want to ask Kurt, because he still feels a little awkward with the memory of Valentine's Day  _last year_ , and Seb knows he's a soft gooey romantic so is probably expecting something along those lines. There are  _lots_  of things they could do, but he's mindful of the fact that he has limited funds and he hates that Sebastian is probably going to use it as an excuse to spoil him. Not that he minds that Sebastian  _wants_ to spoil him, what he doesn't like is the fact that it throws the disparity in their income into sharp relief. He might just have to go with a tried and true romantic evening, even if part of him is quietly and sinisterly insisting that Sebastian would rather have that type of evening with Kurt. A louder voice in his head tells him he's being ridiculous and repeats over and over that Sebastian loves him, which he knows is true as well, however it still makes him second guess everything as he plans an evening for them to enjoy.

He wonders if they're going to make it to a year together, wonders if he's not going to need to worry about a gift for their anniversary and he  _hates_ that his mind is taking him to such a dark place but he's also trying to be realistic. Relationships evolve. This is his first real relationship, Seb's too, and he knows the amount of growing and maturing that will happen in the next few years will push all his relationships. He'd always figured he was more mature than his peers, Sebastian too, but right now he definitely doesn't feel mature at all.

**FAF**

They haven't had much time to cook together recently, so he jumps at the offer when Dave asks him and they make a quick trip to the supermarket before starting, leaving Sebastian studying for some big assignment he has. They decide on something pasta based, because not only does it make great leftovers but he knows Dave will eat as much as he wants without feeling guilty. They're in the middle of prep, having bought fresh pasta rather than making it from scratch, something Dave insists is easy and well worth it he finds he doesn't really want to put in all that much effort.

The chicken, mushrooms and bacon are cut and sautéed along with the onion all in separate pans. He's infinitely glad that there's a dishwasher and that Dave has become more of a clean-as-you-go type given Sebastian's complete inability to do dishes. There's cream with salt and pepper being reduced in another pan and he watches as Dave puts the chicken, bacon, mushrooms and onion all into the same pan, leaving a space free for him to put water onto the boil for the pasta.

They're not really talking, just working in companionable silence, sharing a grin as Dave splashes in a small amount of dry white wine to help balance the flavors of the sauce. His mouth is watering as he starts on the salad. There's crusty bread as well, and he knows the anticipation is all part of the enjoyment of a good meal. Dave is still grumbling about the store bought pasta as he drops it into the boiling water and Kurt just rolls his eyes, laughing when Dave catches him and pokes out his tongue.

"I'll convert you, you know. Nothing beats homemade pasta."

"You've only been converted to that thought yourself since summer. You might have the arms for turning that handle, but I certainly don't."

Dave  _blushes_  and he laughs again, because surely that's not the most embarrassing compliment Dave's received. Hell, he's with  _Sebastian_ , he probably turns Dave tomato red all the time in bed. He bites his lip and hopes he isn't blushing himself, because again thinking of Dave and Sebastian and what they might get up to in bed makes his entire body heat. The worst thing is he doesn't even have to imagine all of it, his mind still throws up the memory of them having sex just outside his bedroom.

"These arms have to be good for something…" Dave mutters under his breath, eyes on the ground and Kurt just shakes his head, simultaneously glad Dave isn't looking at  _him_  but also bemused that Dave doesn't believe his arms are… attention worthy. He coughs.

"So, I'll leave you to set the table. I'm just going to nip into the bathroom."

"Sure, leave me the dishes…"

"No! I'll be right back! "

"Jesus Kurt, just go. I was joking…"

He rolls his eyes, because sometimes he finds it hard to tell with him.

"I'll be right back. I meant it! Leave the dishes!"

"There's a dishwasher, and we already washed half of them anyway. I'll start them if you aren't back by the time I've finished setting the table."

"Okay, that's a good compromise."

Dave rolls his eyes at him and he holds back the instinct to poke his tongue and he's sure he hears Dave mutter something under his breath about the ridiculousness of arguing over dishes.

**FAF**

He grits his teeth, knowing Kurt can't have seen this yet. It's not like he went looking, but he should probably unfriend him after this, because he does not need this shit. He wonders if he should go and tell Kurt, whether that would be a good or bad thing to do. He can hear them in the kitchen, arguing about something and laughing. He could be a complete asshole and bring Kurt's good mood crashing to the ground, or he could wait for Kurt to find it himself. He doesn't know and wonders if maybe he should ask Dave for advice.

"Hey. Almost finished?"

He looks up to the door and Dave is standing there, shoulder resting against the door jamb, soft smile on his face and his stomach does it's familiar, but-still-weird, flip and clench.

"Hi…" he says, smiling back and he wonders if he's completely imagining the slight sadness in Dave's eyes. "Yeah. I'm done. Just… can I ask you something?"

"Hey! No quickies! He's busy helping me do the dishes!" Kurt's voice calls down the hall and he grins and shakes his head, amused rather than annoyed at the imperious tone of Kurt's voice. He totally wouldn't put it past Kurt to drench them both in ice if they interrupted a dinner with sex.

"Trust me Kurt, I would need longer for a quickie," he calls back instead, eyes intent on Dave's.

"Hey, what do you mean help? I already did most of them!" Dave exclaims, followed by, "Oh god,  _Sebastian!_ "

"More than I needed to know thanks!" Kurt calls back with a laugh and he can hear him walking back into the kitchen.

"You wanted to ask me something?"

"Ah, yeah…" he glances at his computer screen again and he knows his expression must sour because Dave is in the room and behind him, head bending down to have a look at his Facebook page.

"Uh, what are you doing looking at his page for?" He pauses. "What is it?"

"Just… here. Look." He highlights the offending post and holds his breath, wondering exactly what Dave will make of it.

 _What a fantastic night! And morning. On to better and brighter things_  – with  **Eli Chapman**.

"What a fucking asshole."

"Yeah. My thoughts exactly." He gets that Blaine might be feeling hurt, is lashing out, but he'd kind of hoped he had more class than this. Obviously he hoped wrong. "What should we do?"

Dave lets out a long sigh, looking sad and Sebastian frowns, not sure what it is that gotten him so down.

"Be there for him I guess. And make sure he sees this while we're around so we can… be there."

"So, we show it to him now?"

Dave pulls a  _fuck no_  face, sighs again and then shrugs helplessly.

"I don't know. Maybe?"

"Yeah, obviously you find that idea as appealing as I do. Fuck."

"Seriously you two! What is keeping you?" Kurt appears in the doorway. "Dinner is actually on the table. Something Dave clearly forgot to mention. You aren't looking at… you know what? I don't want to know what you are looking at. Dinner's ready!"

Kurt disappears from the doorway and is gone so fast his heart and stomach don't even have time to freak out and leave their usual permanent positions. He lets out a long slow breath and stands up, feeling Dave's arm slide around him in a gentle hug which he returns gratefully. He's not used to caring so much about one person, let alone two, and this is going to hurt Kurt when he sees it. He just wishes he could somehow delete it from existence.

**FAF**

He hears them talking, whispering really, as they come up the hallway, which is unusual, because neither of them are what he would describe as quiet. When Sebastian comes into the room he looks angry, which is strange. While he's pretty sure Sebastian has been avoiding him for the last few days, uncomfortable with his silent declaration, maybe worried that Kurt would make fun of him for some reason. Which just goes to show how little Sebastian really knows him.

Something has happened just now though, and it puts an awkward feel to  _everything_. He'd like to demand that they tell him, except it might be a couple thing, and he's not going to interfere in their relationship. Not unless he really has to anyway. He knows something is up because Dave has been quieter than usual, but he's just put it down to the month, with everything that happened this time last year. They all sit, wine in glasses and a  _really_  awkward silence as they start to eat, not the usual comfortable silence that falls when they're all just busy eating and enjoying their food.

"Have you seen Facebook?"

He blinks at the question, chances a quick look at Dave who doesn't meet his eye. He frowns, looking back to Sebastian and shakes his head slowly.

"No. Why? Should I look?"

Sebastian stares at him, teeth gritted and then shakes his head.

"No, it's stupid. It's not worth your time.  _Really_  not worth your time."

He scoffs, because that's a thousand red flags.

"Well now I  _have_  to look."

Dave laughs, but it sounds a little hysterical and forced. He swallows, suddenly nervous of what he might see, because this is the reason Sebastian and Dave are being… weird. He pulls his phone from his pocket and opens the Facebook app. He doesn't go on very much anymore, maybe once a week to catch up with what everyone else is doing. He avoids Blaine's profile, although he's pretty sure whatever this is, is Blaine related.

 _What a fantastic night! And morning. On to better and brighter things_  – with  **Eli Chapman**.

There's an accompanying photo, and he doesn't even need to study it in detail to be able to see stubble burn and swollen lips. He knows he doesn't have a right to feel possessive or jealous, but he still feels hurt. And jealous. Something in his silence must say something, because Dave is reaching and taking his phone from him, reading the status update before putting his phone back on the counter.

"Well, I guess he's moved through denial and is in the angry stage now?" Dave asks, and he looks apologetic. Yeah. This is definitely what they had been talking about.

"Yeah. I guess."

He wants to go to his room, curl up and cry. There's something in Dave's statement though, it does feel like Blaine's lashing out, angry, and he wonders if it would be petty to make some pithy comment about being glad that Blaine's finally moving on. The food in front of him is now as appealing as cardboard and he wonders if he could order in pizza without them noticing. Melted cheese. He really needs melted cheese and carbs right now.

"I… would ice cream help?" Sebastian asks, and he looks a little lost, like he wants to say something that will help. Which is amusing, because Sebastian doesn't need to  _say_  anything, his entire attitude about the whole thing is comfort enough in a weird way.

"You know what, I think it might. As long as it's accompanied by a side of pizza."

Dave laughs again, but it sounds more natural, and something seems to have relaxed between them all and god it feels good to have them back to themselves. He just hopes it lasts.

**FAF**

He's waiting for dinner, something he has been smelling for the last few hours. It's Valentine's Day, but they're having  _two,_ seeing as Dave had insisted on doing his thing, he'd dug his heels in and insisted in doing his own as well. So they have dinner in tonight, and then dinner out tomorrow night. Things seem better. He  _feels_  better. The whole aberration of telling Kurt he loves him something he's no longer obsessing over. Much.

He knows Dave has picked up on it. His boyfriend isn't stupid and he's not as subtle as he thinks. He's forced himself to try and act normal, reassure himself that sure, okay, maybe he does love Kurt, but only as a friend, because let's face it, he doesn't actually have that many of them. So of course it's natural to start having strong feelings toward someone. Even if he used to despise that someone. He laughs at himself inwardly.

"So, what do you think? I'm asking you because I'll know you be honest."

Kurt is standing in front of him and he blinks, sitting a little straighter in the sofa. Tight jeans, because he's sure those are the only type Kurt owns, shirt with the usual accents he still considers a little over-the-top for himself, but very much intrinsically  _Kurt_. He looks good, which is normal for Kurt, but he seems to have taken more care than normal.

"You're all dressed up. You look… passable." He knows if he compliments him outright then it'll likely make them both uncomfortable. Or maybe just him. Fuck.

"Yeah. I… I guess I have a date?"

"Really?" Dave asks, coming to stand not far behind Kurt, and he just looks at them, appreciates their contrasting appearances but also how  _good_  they both look, both individually and together. Dave is frowning, and he realizes that he's frowning too.

"I didn't realize you were ready to start dating again."

Kurt shrugs, mutters under his breath that he's probably not ready and he wants to ask why he's going on a fucking date then. He takes a mental break and lets out a slow breath.

**FAF**

"Anyone we know?" Seb asks, and he sounds calm. Almost alarmingly so, like he's forcing himself not to care and he wonders just how much Seb  _does_  care. He forces himself to not start obsessing over it. They've been open and honest with each other since the first time they met, so he  _has_  to stop doing this to himself.

"Unless you've started at NYADA then  _no_ , not anyone you know."

"So… who is he?" Dave asks, because it's not like Kurt to not mention something like this.

"Just… a guy. He's nice. Older. Sophisticated. English. Cute."

"How much older?" Sebastian asks sharply.

"Twenty-two, and like you can talk!"

"What's his name? In case we have to call the police," Dave interjects, trying to soothe whatever it is that's flared up between them and the look Kurt gives him is completely incredulous.

"You're not going to have to call the police!"

"Please Kurt. We just… we want to know you're safe okay?"

"Oh my god! Fine! His name is Adam Crawford. Here, I'll send you his contact info. And I  _really_ don't think you'll need to ring the police."

"We just… want you to be safe okay?"

"Oh my god! We're going for coffee. But I'll be sure to let him know he has to fight through you two if he's actually interested in anything more. Which… I don't think is on the cards for me anyway, but he's a nice guy okay, and if I turned him down then you would both be telling me not to shut myself out!"

Dave shares a look with Seb, because Kurt  _totally_ has a point there.

"I'm…," he lets it run off and just sighs. "Have fun okay?"

Kurt shrugs, huffs in annoyance but he can tell he's also secretly pleased at their concern, which is a relief because Kurt in a mood is exhausting.

"Wait, did… are you guys staying in because you think I needed company?" He and Seb exchange a look. They may have discussed it. In detail. "Fuck! You two are hopeless! Why didn't you just  _ask me_? I only really accepted because I didn't want to be in your way tonight. Just… enjoy having the apartment to yourselves." Kurt pauses. "Please don't have sex on my bed."

"You ruin all our fun," Seb deadpans, although he has to say the idea of having sex in Kurt's bed does hold a certain amount of appeal. He shakes his head roughly, dispelling the thought. He tries not to think of Kurt and sex, because that way lies  _madness_. Also he shouldn't need to because he has Sebastian, and that is more than enough. Kurt leaves, waving his fingers as he closes the door and Dave recalls their visit to the hockey game last month. Kurt won't be single long and he scrunches his face up thinking again about the possibility that Kurt could possibly end up with someone  _worse_  than Blaine. Although now that he's been such a jackass on Facebook that might be hard, but he scrubs at his face, not really sure what he's feeling exactly.

"Kurt's definitely not going to be single for too long."

"What makes you say that?"

"Oh, just you remember a couple of weeks ago when I took Kurt to the hockey game so he could…vent?"

"Yeah, he complained about the damage to his throat. Why?"

"Yeah well, some guy hit on him there. Insisted Kurt take his card. And now he's got guys asking him out and he's saying  _yes_. Even if he says he's not ready, he's going to be ready at some point and… I didn't like Blaine, but you know the saying about the devil you know?"

Seb snorts and he grins, letting himself fall into the sofa next to him, pulling Seb into his lap before kissing him, wondering if dinner would be completely ruined if they skipped it and instead went straight to the bedroom.

**FAF**

"Your mind doesn't seem completely here."

"Oh! I'm sorry, it's just…"

"The recent break up. It's okay."

"It's not actually that. Well, not completely." He's not sure how to explain that he feels like he's somehow cheating on Sebastian and Dave by going on a date. And it's definitely a date, Adam is attentive and charming and if he were a different person at a different point in his life he would be laughing and smiling and reveling under the attention. Except he's not. "Look, I'm really sorry, but I'm not ready for this," he waves his hand between them and Adam raises an eyebrow.

"That's fine. I also meant it when I said I'm happy with just being your friend. I like you, that's a good basis for friendship as much as anything else."

He bites his lip, because as much as Adam  _says_  that he still feels like friendship might be leading him on in some way. "I mean it Kurt. I won't lie and say I'm not interested in more, obviously I am otherwise I wouldn't have asked you out. However if friendship is all that's all on offer then that's fine too."

Something in him relaxes and he nods, feeling a little better. He's known Adam for months now, been aware of his interest but not done anything about it. He'd been with Blaine up until six weeks ago, and now… Now he's single. And friends, other  _single_  friends are good, because as much as he adores and loves Dave and Sebastian he's certain that he must cramp their style sometimes. He must do. He talks, listens as Adam talks, scrunches his nose in amusement every time Adam says something particularly funny in his accent, and lets himself just enjoy being for once.

Time slips by, coffee turns into a snack, another hour passes and they give in and order something more substantial. He hopes that Dave and Sebastian are having a good time and knows they will be, because he hasn't seen a couple better than them in a long time, even if their sex life makes him feel a little uncomfortable.

"You talk about them a lot."

"Hmm, who?" He starts suddenly, realizing who Adam is referring to and feeling a little bad. "Oh, I didn't realize. Sorry."

"It's okay. I'd like to meet your other friends. They sound like they care about you a lot. And you about them."

"Too much sometimes."

The look Adam gives him is contemplative but then the conversation diverges off again to classes at NYADA and suddenly it's after twelve when the server takes their coffee cups, tight smile on their face and he sends them an apologetic look, leaving a generous tip alongside Adam's as a more substantial apology.

"Look, don't take this the wrong way, but do you want to come back to my place? Just seems like you don't want to go home."

He wraps his scarf tightly, fingers on the buttons of his jacket to delay answering. Part of him would like to, but he also wonders what Dave and Sebastian might think. Screw it.

"I… I really want to say yes."

"But? I hear a but coming…"

"No. No but. Just let me text them and tell them, otherwise we risk your apartment being broken into by the police."

The look Adam gives him is slightly alarmed but he waves his hand, trying to convey how crazy he thinks Sebastian and Dave are but also trying to calm the racing of his heart. He knows nothing is going to happen, but he feels risqué regardless, adventurous as he quickly thumbs out a quick message to both Dave and Sebastian.

**FAF**

The dual vibrations of his and Dave's phones wake him and he glares at the bedside table where the phones lay side-by-side, screens now lit up. His first instinct is to roll over, ignore it and pull his pillow over his head but something makes him reach for it instead. New text from Kurt and he's suddenly wide awake, sitting up and swiping his phone open and pinning in his passcode.

_**Staying at Adam's. All good. See you later today.** _

Huh.

He puts his phone back down, sees the same message on Dave's phone and wonders why he feels so…  _sick_. And a little upset and angry. He's not even sure why. He lets his fingers run through Dave's hair, smiles at the little snuffling sounds he makes in response and wonders what the fuck is wrong with him. It doesn't take him long before he realizes he's jealous. He's not used to the feeling, but now that he's thinking about it he realizes that he's felt like this before. He stops and processes it, trying to figure out if he's jealous of Kurt, or of Adam.


	7. FEBRUARY (PART 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's note: The response to this fic (and its predecessors) has always blown me away – especially those of you reading it as a WIP and having to put up with MONTHS of waiting in between chapters (I hate authors like that so I totally understand your vitriol towards me or the desire to give up). However, if you are here you have my gratitude for sticking with it even after all this time.
> 
> This chapter starts off right after the last one – same month.
> 
> Warning: ANGST. Again. (It's only going to get worse). Mentions of suicide (past).

 

**FEBRUARY – PART TWO**

He falls asleep still wondering, woken by Dave pressing back against him and he lets himself just savor the moment; however his mind is already wondering what the time is and if Kurt is home yet which is ridiculous on so many levels because there's a hot guy in bed with him and he's worried about someone else. Someone who isn't himself or Dave.

 _Fuck it_.

He rolls and reaches for his phone, thumbing a quick ' _You still alive or do I need to call the police?'_  and watches his thumb twitch against the screen while he waits for a response. He notes it's only seven in the morning, but that's not early for any of them, not with their schedules and having to navigate the subway, so he fully expects Kurt to reply quickly. ' _Still alive and kicking. Having a shower, breakfast and will be one my way home soon.'_  A part of him relaxes, knowing Kurt is fine, but the jealousy he'd identified last night flares up and he scowls, annoyed at the complete  _pointlessness_  of the emotion.

He feels Dave stir beside him and settles back into the bed, wondering when his life got so complicated. He appreciates that he's probably making it more complicated than it needs to be but he supposes he just needs time to work through it. Like he did when he first realized he wanted to be with Dave but thought it would never eventuate. The warm sense of rightness and what he can only describe as  _love_  floods though him and he snuggles closer, smiles at the quiet sounds Dave makes as he wakes.

"Hi…"

"Hi yourself handsome."

He'll never get sick of the fact that Dave blushes whenever he compliments him and he runs his fingers over the lightly haired thighs, presses himself more firmly against Dave's back and kisses his neck lightly.

"Sleep well?"

"Mmm… Yeah actually. Thought I'd be more worried about Kurt but… I guess not?"

Dave sounds a little puzzled and Sebastian finds himself pleased he's not the only one who might potentially be confused about things. He's definitely pleased that Dave hasn't spent half the night awake worrying about Kurt; it eases some of the built up tension and anxiety. He doesn't bother mentioning that Kurt has text them, just keeps his hands moving on Dave's body, relishes the feel of warm skin and responding fingers moving on his own body as Dave turns to face him.

It feels good, slow and sensual, reaffirming in a way that doesn't usually lap over into their sexual activities. He's not feeling energetic, but also knows that can change in an instant. He just wants to make out with Dave until they both come, and he grins into a kiss, knowing it'll be a sort of challenge to make Dave beg for it. They keep kissing and he lets his mouth travel over Dave's neck, his lips feeling hyper-sensitive as they rub against the coarse stubble. He licks at his collar bone, nips on his ear lobe and sucks in a breath when Dave bites lightly at his shoulder.

"What do you want?" Dave asks, voice hitching and Sebastian grins.

"To make you beg…"

"Someone's feeling confident…"

"Mmm, just want to enjoy trying."

" _Oh_ …" Dave says, and he mouths Dave's neck again, following the red blotchiness of his blush that is now covering the top of his chest. He pushes at Dave, wanting him to lie back so he can have full access to his body and straddles one of Dave's thighs, pulling the blankets up over his shoulders to try and keep as much warmth between them as possible. Dave's hand goes to his cock and he enjoys the firm warm grip for a moment before refocusing his attention back solely to Dave.

It's something he consciously tries to work on, making Dave aware of just how attractive he finds him. He's always been into appreciating the body he's in bed with, but knowing Dave's insecurities, and how he unwittingly reinforced them means he will gladly spend a ridiculous amount of time worshipping Dave. Of course he's found that there are things he  _really_  likes about Dave's body, and he knows it's not just because he loves Dave, but because he's found himself noting other guys with the same attributes. Large muscled thighs make him want to run his hands over them, explore the texture of the hair, if there is any. Thick chests, broad shoulders – he'd never have thought that he'd like them, but he finds he does. It means he has an extra population to admire, although he's mindful to keep his eyes to himself as much as possible.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Mmm? Just how much I love your body."

His cock is hard from Dave jerking him off and he pushes against the firm muscle of Dave's thigh when Dave's hands go to cup his ass cheeks instead. He lets his hands rest on Dave's shoulders as he leans down to kiss him again, letting himself lower slowly onto Dave's body so their cocks are aligned, pressed firmly between their bodies and he undulates his hips slowly.

"There are so many things I want to do to you, you know? And I can only do one thing at a time and I think that has to be one of my biggest regrets…"

"Yeah? What do you want to do to me?"

"I want to suck you off. Rim you. Lick your nipples until you scream. Finger you. Tease you to the point of coming over and over again… let you come and then make you hard again. See how many times you can come before you beg me to stop. Fuck you. Tie you down and ride you…"

It's nothing he hasn't said before, they've shared everything they like and don't like in bed. They had an entire summer to explore each other's bodies and Sebastian feels like he knows Dave's body nearly as well as his own. He's still trying to decide what is his best bet to get Dave to beg, they haven't tried cock rings yet but fuck he wants to.

"You can… do any of that. I'm not going to complain."

"Do you have a preference right now?"

"Uh…"

He lets Dave push him up and away, watches as Dave rolls over, discarding the blankets as he rests on his hands and knees.

"You need to use your words Dave… you want me to rim you? Finger you?"

He smiles into the curve of Dave's lower back as he moans, but he's serious, Dave needs to verbalize what he wants before Sebastian will do anything. He won't necessarily do it straight away, but he does get there.

"I…" he sucks in a deep breath. "I want you to fuck my thighs." It's said fast, almost breathless and he reaches around to stroke Dave's cock, relishing the warm heavy weight where it hangs from Dave's body while rubbing his own erection against Dave's ass, legs pushed together tightly.

"I think I can do that."

He reaches for the bedside table, brings back the lube and tries to ignore the coldness when he squirts some onto his fingers. He knows it won't be cold for long. He runs a slicked finger between Dave's thighs, continuing to gently rub his erection against Dave's body which draws appreciative moans from both of them. Since the first time they tried it it's been one of their favorite things to do; and not because he's lazy, thank you very much Dave. It's something they both find equally satisfying, and when Dave asks for it, he knows it won't take him long to get off like this. He grins as he runs his clean hand all over Dave's body, tweaking a nipple and dragging teeth over his ass; his other hand reaching around to apply the remnants of lube to Dave's cock before deciding he's going to need more anyway; he really does want to make Dave  _beg_.

He drizzles a tiny bit more lube on his finger before rubbing his finger down the cleft of Dave's ass cheeks, pushing against his hole briefly before carrying down to his perineum. He's never been with a guy with such a sensitive perineum before, but then again he's never taken the time before with other guys to find out. He's massaged Dave's prostate before, made him come in a sobbing mess by applying pressure from both directions so he knows this works.

"You… are you going to…"

"Mmm.  _Soon_. I'll get to fucking your gorgeous legs. You know I want to try your arm one day. Between your forearm and bicep? Yeah…" his voice trails off at the thought. He has no idea if it will work but he wants to try. It might end with them both laughing their asses off but it will be worth it. Dave's arms are fucking  _beautiful_. As he slides a finger into Dave his mind is stuck on what it might feel like, how it will be different from between his thighs, what he'll be able to touch from such a different angle.

"Oh  _fuck_ …"

That quiet exclamation brings his mind skittering back to  _now_ , his thumb and finger absentmindedly rubbing Dave's prostate, his other hand working Dave's cock too slowly to do anything other than let its existence be known. He doesn't change the pace, just keeps going slowly, bringing back some of the more languorous feelings from before, smirking a bit when Dave's hips start twitching, trying for more friction. He's already muttering under his breath, calling him an asshole and it just makes Sebastian grin wider. He's never doubted himself in bed and he's not about to start now. He lets his cock purposely drag against the back of Dave's thighs, knowing it's a harbinger of things to come, what Dave really wants.

"I want you to beg me…" Sebastian says, moving his fingers a little more firmly and ever so slightly faster before slowing down again. With the angle he can't insert more fingers beside his thumb, just keeps rubbing, knowing it will break Dave apart eventually. Although they can be as stubborn as each other and it's another ten minutes before Dave finally breaks.

"Seb,  _please_ , come on… you fucking… please."

"Beg me."

"You fucker…" Sebastian presses and rubs a bit harder knowing there's a risk that Dave might come soon but not caring too much. Dave is too generous a lover to leave him unsatisfied. "Oh fuck.  _Fine_. I'm begging you,  _please_ …"

He pulls his hand away as answer, wiping his hand on the t-shirt he doesn't remember taking off. Runs his hands up the outside of Dave's legs, pushes them together more and Dave shifts, mutters ' _fucking finally'_  and Sebastian presses his cock into the hot tight crease created by Dave's thighs. He feels the head of his cock push against Dave's balls, knows that  _that_  sensation is something that Dave really gets off on. Like with the fingering he starts slowly, although he's jostled suddenly when Dave drops to his shoulders, pushing his ass further back and he expects Dave to start jerking himself off.

Instead he feels fingers around the head of his penis, just pushing over the glans as he moves back and forth. Clearly something Dave has wanted to try out and he lets out a little gasp as he pushes forward and the fingers are slightly firmer than before. He can tell Dave's other hand is now jerking himself off and fuck he wishes he could see down there, Dave's hands reaching down behind his falls to fondle Seb's cock as well as his own.

Dave's thigh muscles tighten, making it tighter and he groans. He knows it's a subconscious sign from Dave that he's close, that he wants Sebastian to hurry up and come as well so he lets himself go, thrusting as hard and fast as he wants, fingers gripping Dave's hips so hard he's worried he might leave bruises. Dave stills and then groans, his body shuddering a little as he comes and then he feels Dave's fingers, slick with come touching the head of his cock every time he presses forward and that's  _it_.

" _Jesus_ …"

He doesn't stop moving straight away, continues until it becomes too sensitive, but enjoys the rippling tightness in Dave's leg muscles as he comes down from his orgasm induced high. They kiss slowly as he uses the towel to clean them up, a small microfiber one they've started to keep beside the bed, before letting himself lie down again and curl up against Dave, quiet and content.

"I love you…" Dave whispers, as if he's not sure Sebastian is even awake to hear him and he keeps quiet, letting Dave think that he is indeed asleep. Soon the sound of Dave's gentle breathing indicating he's asleep again fill his ears and he lets out a long quiet breath, lying still with his arm resting on Dave's chest. He falls back to sleep with his thumb stroking Dave's chest above his heart.

**FAF**

"So, as Valentine's Days go, how was it?"

Kurt laughs, takes the proffered mug of coffee Adam is holding out to him and pauses, recalling his Valentine's Day last year. How Dave had given him a series of days and then his initial disappointment and shock when Dave had taken that gorilla mask off and he'd realized it was  _Dave,_ and not Blaine. God how the tables have turned.

"Ah, touchy subject?"

Shaking his head he sucks in a long breath, unsure where to start or what to say exactly but regardless finds himself outlining his Valentine's Day last year, how Dave had sent him gifts for a week. Adam listens attentively, clarifies that no, Blaine didn't send him anything and mutters about understanding why he dumped the guy which makes him smile.

"And he's with Sebastian now?"

"Yes."

"Huh."

He shrugs helplessly, because  _sure_  it sounds like David is a prince charming, there's no denying how sweet his actions were, or what he's like now, but he fills Adam in on the bullying, and then because he wants him to have the full picture he mentions Dave's suicide attempt. Fuck. It's almost a year ago now.

"You love him."

"I…  _what_?" He shakes his head in denial. "No I don't."

Adam pauses then smiles softly, head cocked to one side.

"Sure sounds like it to me. But you know what you feel. Just something to maybe think about though. Although he's not available now, and you weren't this time last year, so of course it's all a moot point. You can love someone and never have it go anywhere. Bit sad though it might be…"

Kurt knows he's staring, because he can't help himself. He knows he  _cares_  for Dave. And Sebastian, odd that that might be. But definitely Dave more, and he'd label it as love, but… he's never let himself think about anything more than being David's friend. Not seriously, and not outside the privacy of his own thoughts in his bedroom. But that's not love, that's… sexual attraction. Oh god. He's sexually attracted to Dave. Adam is chuckling silently and he wonders what he must look like to elicit that type of response.

"I didn't…"

"Realize? Yeah. I didn't think so. Probably another good reason to have broken up with Blaine."

"I'm not going to do anything about it. He's with Sebastian. They're happy together. Nauseatingly so." He rolls his eyes. "I just…" He feels a little lost and broken, wondering if he'll always look at Dave from now on and wonder ' _what if?'_  "As you said, it's a moot point so…"

"Hmm. Yeah," Adam replies and Kurt doesn't think he sounds convinced. "You know, your life sounds like a really good drama. I really want to meet these guys now. I hope you'll introduce me."

"I'm glad my life can be of some entertainment value to you. And I think it's the least I can do to repay you for forcing some self revelations."

"You would have realized sooner or later," Adam murmurs and Kurt hates that Adam is probably right; however he would have liked to live in ignorant bliss for a little while longer.

**FAF**

Dave isn't quite sure what to think when he gets out of bed and checks his phone. Sure it's nice that Kurt let him know so he wouldn't worry, but it's not like Kurt owes him an explanation. He finds it a little confusing for a few moments, because they're only friends… although friends do this he supposes. Let each other know they're okay. He lets out a long breath as he goes about making himself something to eat. Right. It's not so unusual. He sends texts like that to Sebastian and Kurt all the time, letting them know they don't have to worry. It's just like that.

Except… Kurt stayed with Adam last night. Some guy he's never met and he's pretty sure it wouldn't matter if he  _had_  met him. It just seems awfully fast, especially for Kurt.  _Huh_. He's feeling a little protective he realizes. At least that what he thinks it is, not something else. At least he doesn't think so. He spills his coffee in his distracted state of mind and gets a little angry at himself. Frustrated. He hasn't felt this confused about his state of emotions since he realized he was gay. Ugh.

**FAF**

Dave seems angry. Or maybe it's jealousy. He's not really sure, but when Kurt  _finally_  comes home it's almost noon, he's grinning like an idiot and he guesses the date went well. He swallows down the churning in his gut, the weird and unwanted feeling of jealousy. He doesn't get it. He's not interested in wanting to be with Kurt. He wants Kurt to be happy, and he knows he cares about him but… fuck feelings are confusing.

**FAF**

He's not sure what is going on but both Dave and Sebastian seem a little… off. Like they've had a fight, except he's seen and heard them fight, and this is not the normal status quo. He forces himself to act normal, but he still finds himself watching Dave. How he is with Sebastian, and with him. He thinks about how he feels toward them both, tries to be objective although he doesn't understand why, because his feelings have never been objective before.

A couple of days pass and things drop back to normal. He sees Adam at NYADA, has coffee with him after a couple of classes but fails to mention it to either David or Sebastian incase  _that's_  the reason they were acting a little weird. Then he realizes; it's coming up to the one-year anniversary. Sebastian obviously blames him for Dave's suicide attempt, which he logically knows wasn't his fault but it still makes him feel a little guilty when he thinks about it.

He starts paying Dave extra attention, hoping that both he and Sebastian realize his silent support and the semi-apology in his actions. He tries to catch Sebastian to talk to him, ask if Dave's alright, but Sebastian remains elusive almost to the point where he thinks he's being avoided on purpose.  _Still_.

**FAF**

He's not sure how he feels about Kurt dating Adam. Even though Kurt insists he's not he looks flushed and embarrassed every time he or Sebastian bring it up. He's not sure how to feel about the fact that Kurt's ready to date again. Or  _is_  dating. Regardless Kurt isn't spending less time with him, which he admits to himself is a relief, although it feels selfish. He just doesn't have a lot of friends to lose one to a new relationship.

Dave hadn't even realized that it had been a year until his dad phoned him up; asking him if he was alright. His dad had had to explain the significance of the date it to him. He's been too busy, school work, watching far too much TV with Kurt to pay attention. He'd known of course, somewhere in the back of his mind; that it was soon. Sebastian has been attentive although a little distracted with a large group assignment due at the end of the month meaning he's been working on campus a lot. The only time he sees him is the small windows of time just before bed and in the morning. He's already in Sebastian's bed, reading and thinking about turning off the light when he hears the door push open.

"Hey. Long day."

"Yeah. Sorry I couldn't get home sooner, I just…" he pulls a face and Dave smiles pulling back the blankets and patting the space beside him.

"Fuck yes, bed. So tired… I just. I wish I could have been here earlier."

"Huh?"

"You know, a lot happened this time a year ago."

"Oh god, not you too. I've already had my dad on the phone and Kurt insisting on making my favorite meal and then agreeing to watching a game with me." He's still not over the weirdness of Kurt willingly sitting and watching sport with him.

"Yeah well, they love you. Care about you."

Dave snorts and shakes his head, because  _yes_ , they love and care about him but he's pretty sure a date isn't going to impact his state of mind. When he thinks about how much his life has changed since then he can scarcely believe it. That he now has a wonderful  _hot_ boyfriend, Kurt Hummel is one of his best friends, he's living in New York, at college and… it feels too surreal when he lines it all up like that in his head. He doesn't need to think about the dark space he was in a year ago.

**FAF**

Sebastian totally wants to hate the guy, but when Kurt introduces him to Adam he likes him almost immediately. Though part of him feels stripped to the bone under his assessing gaze, there is just something innately likeable about the guy and he's usually not someone that likes people on sight.

"I've heard a lot about you."

"All good I hope," Sebastian replies.

"No. Not all of it."

He opens his mouth to make a sharp retort but Kurt is snickering and just the sound of Kurt laughing, being  _happy_ , stops him and he shrugs. He knows he can be a bit of an asshole. There's something between Kurt and Adam that makes him look twice and he turns to watch them as they make coffee before going to Kurt's room, ostensibly to study but… he blinks. No. They're actually just friends. The body language between them isn't… sexual. He can tell Adam is interested, but not massively so. And Kurt isn't giving Adam any more attention than what he gives Dave; less even.

He's not sure how to process that.

**FAF**

"See what I mean?"

"No, not really. Not that I have anything to draw a comparison to except your ramblings."

"I don't ramble," Kurt mutters as he pulls up the dance rehearsal they're meant to be critiquing this week. "Anyway, he's been weird. Although maybe a little less weird in the last couple of days."

"Well, friendship takes as much work, if not more than a relationship, to be… worthwhile. I always thought so anyway."

"Do you know how odd it is to even consider Sebastian a friend considering our history?"

"Odder than you and David?"

Kurt pauses and then scrunches up his face in annoyance.

"Why do you always have to point things out like that?"

"Because you seem to be an excellent denier of everything. Like your own talent, your friends… your own worth. You're a good person Kurt Hummel."

"And you have a silver tongue."

"Guilty as charged. You know, love isn't… limiting. You can love many people in many different ways, and some of them in the same way. Don't cut yourself off from what could be potentially be the best thing in your life…"

For a moment he's worried that maybe Adam is hitting on him, making another pass but a quick glance tells him he's not, that Adam is not talking about himself and that's confusing.

"I have no idea what you're talking about now."

Adam laughs and it makes him feel like he's missing out on some cosmic joke.

**FAF**

He doesn't know if he's imagining it, or if Kurt and Dave are spending more time together over the last month. They've always done things together, they have a history he can't compete with for a start, but the last month they always seem to be together. Also he's realized that he knows now why he doesn't mind Dave looking at other guys; it's because Dave doesn't look at other guys. He only looks at one.

 _Kurt_.

After meeting Adam he knows Kurt and Adam are actually just friends, nothing more and he feels both glad that Kurt's not dating Adam and equally fearful that Kurt somehow remains a threat by being single. Which he knows is stupid because Dave hasn't made any sign of wanting to break up or leave him for Kurt so he ignores the quiet little voice that tells him he's not good enough. He's always been good enough before.

At the end of the month though, when he comes home to find them asleep on the sofa together it feels like the beginning of the end. They look… good together. Complimentary. He's torn whether to wake them or leave them. He's exhausted but the largest piece of assessment has finally been submitted and he can feel any remaining energy drain out of him as he stands there trying to make a decision.

"Hey, you're back…"

Dave shifts, his arm reaching, hand and fingers unfurling as they reach for him and his decision is made. He steps forward and around, tamps down how weird this might look to outsiders and just collapses on the sofa beside Dave. Kurt snuffles but doesn't wake and he lets himself rest against the warm solidness of Dave's body, his head resting on Dave's shoulder.

"Missed you. We were trying to stay awake to see how it went."

"Mmm. Just tired now."

He's probably going to regret this in the morning. His back and shoulders won't appreciate the whole sleeping while sitting aspect he's about to give into, but he can't find it in himself to care right now. He'll worry about it all tomorrow.

**FAF**

Kurt wakes again, a little while later. He'd woken when Sebastian had gotten home, the door opening and dragging footsteps all loud in the quiet of the room. He'd feigned sleep, had planned on waiting until all he could hear was the steady sound of them both asleep except he'd fallen back to sleep himself.

He'd  _wanted_  Sebastian to join them on the sofa, because he hadn't wanted to have the warmth of Dave leave his side. Which is utterly selfish and he hates himself for even thinking it really. He's come to accept that he can't control all his thoughts about David (or, more alarmingly, Sebastian), but enjoying cuddling with Dave is crossing a line. Not that they'd started off cuddling, it had been more of a mutual lean and then obviously he'd fallen asleep on Dave's shoulder and Dave had been too polite to wake him.

It had been nice.

**FAF**

None of them mention it the next morning when they all wake together on the sofa.

**FAF**

"Kurt's hot."

"What?"

"You have to admit it, and I know you think so. All that dancing he's doing is paying off."

"Why would I be looking at Kurt when I have you?" Dave asks confused, because he doesn't get why Sebastian is bringing this up. Unless it's because he was right and Sebastian  _does_  have a thing for Kurt.

"Do you still love him?"

" _What_?"

" _Kurt_. Do you still love him?"

"I… I guess? Why are you asking?" He's even more confused now given the direction of questions.

"You had a pretty big thing for him this time last year."

"Yeah, but it was… more like an infatuation maybe? I don't know. I didn't really know him then. But I guess I do love him. Now. I mean, he's my best friend after you so…" Dave shrugs, because he's trying to be better at verbalizing his feelings, but he's never really analyzed his feelings for Kurt outside his therapists office before. Oh, and in conversations with Sebastian a lot like this one. He sighs.

"Seb, I love you. I want to be with you. I love Kurt like…"

"You love him like I love you. Wholly. Unconditionally. Would lay down and die for you…"

"That's a bit melodramatic don't you think?" Dave replies, scrunching his face because he'd hate anyone to lay down and die for him.

"Anyway, Kurt and I would never work out."

"Why not?" Sebastian retorts, voice sharp.

"Kurt's too good for me."

The look of sheer anger he gets directed his way is shocking.

"Fuck off. Kurt Hummel is  _not_  too good for you."

"You're too good for me," Dave says, trying to lighten the mood a little.

"No. I'm not. I'm really  _really_  not."

**FAF**

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next update for this is scheduled for 30th June. (Sorry I can't solely focus on this, however I have five WIPs and I signed up for the Kurtofsky Fest 2014 on tumblr. After 30th June updates will be every 3 weeks.)


	8. MARCH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s note: Firstly sorry this is a bit late – illness last week meant no writing all week (delirious fever would no doubt have resulted in some interesting writing though). You might want to wait until the 21st of July before reading this chapter, as the ending might leave you feeling a little murderous. (It’s not a cliffhanger per se but it’s not a happy ending). My thanks to April (Ape31) for being my sounding board over a year ago with regards to this chapter in particular.
> 
>  
> 
> Warning: ANGST. Discussion of suicide (not just past).

**MARCH**

 

            “So I got tickets to Beyoncé. For all of us,” Sebastian states over breakfast, well _brunch_ , and there goes his theory that Sebastian is avoiding him or gone back to hating him. _Wait_. Beyoncé.

            “I can’t accept that, those tickets are like… _hideously_ expensive. And aren’t the shows all sold out?”

            Sebastian shrugs and god he hates the way Sebastian doesn’t ever seem to _think_ about money. He used to think he was bad himself, but this takes it to entirely new levels.

            “Not the point Hummel, I wanted to _celebrate_ and for all of us to enjoy it and I figured that this would be the best way.”

            “Three gay guys going to see hot women dance on stage is a way to celebrate?” Dave asks, looking incredulous. Kurt looks at him, shaking his head, although he’s not sure what they’re meant to be celebrating he has something more important to point out first.

            “ _All_ the dancers are hot, and they’re not all women. I think you’ll enjoy yourself.”

            Dave makes a face that seems like he might agree with him and Sebastian is looking smug and he shakes his head, knowing that arguing is futile and that he’ll just need to figure out a way of somehow paying Sebastian back. Like doing the dishes for _eternity_. Which he pretty much does now anyway. _Ugh_.

            “The tickets are non-refundable aren’t they?” He asks, just to double check and Sebastian grins, lips popping as he says _yep_ , and Kurt can’t help but heave a sigh of frustration. “I’ll figure out a way to repay you.”

            “Oh, I’m sure you will,” he replies and Kurt snorts and rolls his eyes, glad Dave is laughing as well at the implied sexual innuendo; that their relationship is secure enough to make jokes like that. He finishes off the fruit filled crepe and takes his last mouthful of coffee before standing and moving to rinse his plate and mug.

            “I’m off out. I’ll see you two later.”

            “What are you up to today?” Dave asks, although it’s mixed with Sebastian asking:

            “You mean we have the apartment to ourselves?”

            Kurt rolls his eyes and nods distractedly.

            “I’m meeting up with Adam for coffee and then going to rehearsal.”

            “So I can wander around with no clothes on and Dave and I can have sex on the sofa?”

            “You do that anyway,” Kurt mutters, although he knows he’s not being entirely fair. Sebastian wears underwear and he’s never actually _seen_ them have sex, although he’s heard them enough times for his imagination to fill in the blanks in vivid Technicolor.

            He’s not even out the door before Sebastian has moved to sit in Dave’s lap and he waves and pretends he’s put-out by them but he’s not.  Dave is blushing prettily and he can’t help but smile, just so _happy_ for his friends. Although a part of him is still weirded out by Sebastian even falling into that category.

            As he rides the subway he considers his friendship with Adams. It feels good – different from his friendship with either Dave or Sebastian, but he’s not sure quite what the difference is. Regardless it’s nice to have a guy friend that he can gossip with, that shares so many of his interests and is so supportive at the same time. There’s no agenda to Adam’s actions, he seems truly sincere and caring, which is quite the novelty after getting used to the brashness of some New Yorkers and fellow class mates.

 

**FAF**

 

            “You like riling him up,” Dave murmurs, amused and turned on in equal parts.

            “He just makes it so _easy_. I think he’s getting used to me though.”

            “Mmm. Acclimatizing.”

            “Exactly…” Seb whispers and he moves his hips against Seb’s, relishing the scrape of stubble against his neck as Seb kisses him, breath tickling the back of his neck.

            “You take a lot of getting used to… but you’re worth it.”

            “Oh, I’m more than worth it.”

            That makes him laugh and he rests his forehead against the ridge of Sebastian’s collar bone before pulling back and licking it, sharing a grin with Seb when he looks up.

            “Totally worth it.”

 

**FAF**

 

            Beyoncé is amazing of course. He got three tickets because he knew Kurt would appreciate the show, and that if he _hadn’t_ , Dave would have later reminisced about how much Kurt would have loved it. Like New Year’s Eve, when they had realized that Kurt had missed out on Times Square. When he looks at it objectively it feels a little peculiar how often he incorporates Kurt into his plans for him and Dave as a couple, but when he _doesn’t_ it feels even more so. Although given how little Dave likes shows and how little he likes going to them by himself he figures he’s getting the best of both worlds and it makes him realize why so many people rave about close friendships.

            When he watches Kurt and Dave he has trouble figuring it out; where the line of friendship is for them. He knows there is love there; he’s not stupid, although sometimes he suspects he’s in denial about how deep it goes between them. They cook and eat together most days, they sit in quiet and study together despite it being completely different fields. Sometimes he feels like the only part of Dave he has is for the sex. He wonders if that’s enough. Dave could have _everything_ with Kurt, and he knows Kurt would jump at the chance. He just can’t bring himself to let go.

            He watches Kurt and Dave dance, the sheer happiness on both their faces and adoration on Dave’s as Kurt takes his hands and makes him dance before reaching for Sebastian’s hand as well… they make a good looking couple. He’s thought it before, but seeing them move together now, laughing with Kurt singing along makes him _ache_. He’s pretty sure Dave doesn’t look that happy when he’s with him and he knows then that he has to do it.

            Soon.

 

**FAF**

 

            For the next few weeks he tries to let everything go on as normal, although he starts to try and prepare himself as much as he can emotionally.

 

**FAF**

 

Every kiss he gives Dave now makes him wonder if it’ll be their last.

 

**FAF**

 

            _I’m breaking up with you. Give Kurt your key._

            He stares at the text and snorts, although his gut twists in fear. It’s a cruel thing to text him, not even slightly funny and he wonders what the hell Sebastian is playing at.

            **Not funny** he sends back and forces himself to remain calm, take slow breaths. There isn’t a reply and he wonders what it means. It’s still early; he can make it to Seb’s place and back in time for class because he’s not taking this stupid text message as _anything_. For all he knows someone else has sent the message, one of Sebastian’s douchebag classmates. There’s still no reply text though and he gets angrier the more he thinks about it, shoving things into his bag, more determined now to go and find out what the fuck it means.

 

**FAF**

 

            He hears the key in the lock and swears under his breath. He’d been meaning to _not fucking be here_. He should have known Dave would fight this. He really doesn’t know if he can do this face-to-face. He’s already thrown up after sending the text, his hands shaking and tears trickling down his face. This is why he should have never gotten involved in the first place. It’s taken him weeks to build up the courage to send that message and now that he has he knows he has to see this through. He takes a deep breath through his nose, trying to think of this as an acting situation, knowing that if he breaks in front of Dave he will just beg and ask him to keep him forever.

            “Did you not get my text?”

            “Yeah. I wanted to know what the fuck you meant by it. It’s not funny.”

            “Wasn’t meant to be funny. I just thought it would have been better that way. Tidier.”

            “Tidier? You’re… you’re actually breaking up with me and are worried about it being _tidy_?”

            He shrugs, pretending nonchalance and wracks his brain for something that will cut, make Dave so angry that he doesn’t even want to look at him. Oh fuck.

            “Look, it was fun while it lasted but… I’m bored of it now. Tried it out and it’s just not for me.” He wants to lessen the harshness of his words, tell Dave that if he was ever going to be with someone it would be Dave, but he suspects that Dave would hook on to that, know somehow that he’s bluffing.

            “Please… Seb. Don’t do this. I don’t know what’s wrong but… we can work through it. I love you.”

            “Mmm. Not interested.” _Sorry sorry sorry_ his mind screams silently.

            “You… almost a year and you’re just throwing it away?”

            “Better than wasting any more time don’t you think?”

            “Did you ever actually love me?”

            “I… don’t know.” He can’t bring himself to outright lie, but thankfully it looks like it’s enough, Dave’s face crumpling and god he feels sick. Dave is turning away, face pale and he suspects he’s about cry any second. A selfish part of him wants him to leave before that happens, knows he will cave but then Dave is turning back, looking angry.

            “You’re a fucking selfish asshole, you know that?”

            “I know. I never said I wasn’t.” Dave looks like he wants to punch him and he wouldn’t blame him if he did. He turns and walks away and Sebastian watches him, heart and gut clenching. “Lock the door behind you on your way out would you?”

            The door slams and he lets himself sag against the wall, his hands shaking as he sends a message to Kurt. 

 **FAF**  

            His phone beeps and he picks it up, seeing the message from Sebastian. His first instinct is to ignore it. It’s probably about remembering to bring home milk or a coffee. Except it isn’t. ‘ _Can you please go and see Dave and stay with him. Make sure he’s okay. Please._ ’ Sebastian never uses please. Well, not twice in a text message anyway. He wants to ring and ask what’s happened, but he’s already packing his bag, apologizing to his study group and explaining it’s an emergency. Adam asks if everything is okay and he replies with a muttered _I don’t know_.  

            His text messages to both Sebastian and Dave go unread and unanswered. He’s starting to feel violently ill now, the feeling that something is wrong suffusing him and he can barely remember where Dave’s dorm is, only having visited it twice before. It’s still early, not even mid-morning, the main door open and he’s glad it’s not later, because getting in would be a lot more difficult. He takes the stairs two at a time, knocks on the door to Dave’s dorm room and gets no answer. Trying the door he finds it locked and he lets the slow burning panic in his gut overwhelm him for just a second.

            “Oh god…”

            “You okay?”

            He turns to find another man watching him, eyebrow raised and looking slightly suspicious.

            “I’m… I’m a friend of Dave’s. David Karofsky. This is his room –”

            “I know Dave. I _don’t_ know you.”

            “I’m Kurt. Look, I don’t mean to be rude but this is an emergency. Do you know how I can get into his room?”

            The guy snorts and shakes his head.

            “Give me one good reason.”

            He thinks about Sebastian’s message and only one thing, the _worst_ thing keeps coming to the front of his mind.

            “I think Dave might be suicidal.”

            They exchange a look and Kurt tries to load as much meaning as he can. Time drags and although he suspects it’s only a second it feels like forever.

            “Well _shit_.”

            Then the guy is pulling keys from his pocket and he’s flooded with a little bit of relief although still paralysed with fear at what might be on the other side of the door. The door is pushed open and the lights are off and he’s instantly sick that maybe Dave has done something… the light goes on and he looks around. It’s empty. It doesn’t make him feel any better.

            “So, he’s not here. Want to share with me why you think he’s suicidal?”

            “He’s… tried before. A year ago. I… do you have any idea how I can find him? He’s not answering his phone. His boyfriend text me asking me to come and –” That’s when he sees him, face pale but with splotchy red cheeks and red-rimmed and he moves to him.

            “Dave… what’s happened?”

            “Kurt? I… What are you doing here?”

            “Sebastian sent me a message. I… what’s happened?”

            “He broke up with me.”

            Dave doesn’t sound like he quite believes it and he _definitely_ doesn’t believe it, because if Sebastian broke up with Dave then why get Kurt to come and check up on him. Oh. So he’s not that much of an asshole. Of course he understands not wanting anyone to commit suicide, especially if he thought Dave might… but. He just doesn’t get it. He knows he’d want to know how Dave is so he sends Sebastian a quick message, telling him he’s with Dave and that he’ll talk to him later.

            Because he _will_ be talking to him. 

 **FAF**  

            The flood of relief knowing that Dave isn’t alone, that Kurt will take care of him makes him let out a small sob of relief. _Just take care of him_ he sends back and he slings his bag over his shoulder. He’s booked himself into a hotel for a week, needing to just remove himself from everything for a while. He doesn’t want to be in the bed that holds so many memories of Dave, doesn’t want to be around the first time Dave comes around for Kurt instead of him…

            Fuck this _sucks_. 

 **FAF**  

            He has no memory of getting back to his dorm room. He doesn’t really get why Kurt’s there. Sebastian didn’t say it, and he’s not an idiot. He remembers the way Kurt and Seb danced together, not only at the concert but also at the few clubs they’ve been together. They move as one, fluid, unlike his own clunky attempts when he tries to dance with either of them. He ignores as best he can Kurt muttering about wanting to kill Seb, because it just _hurts_. He always knew, deep down, that he wasn’t good enough and now Seb has just realized it.  

**FAF**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next update around 21st July and every 3 weeks from then...


	9. MARCH (PART TWO)

**Author's note** : Thanks for all the reviews – I don't write angst very often because it's  _exhausting_. Which is why the previous chapter was shorter (is actually meant to be paired with this one). Again this chapter leaves off exactly where the last one ended. 

* * *

 

**MARCH - PART TWO**

When he wakes he can't figure out why Kurt is asleep on the floor, then it comes back and he inhales sharply as the pain comes flooding back. He'd cried himself to sleep last night, although that doesn't really explain why Kurt is still here. He tries to remember any snippets of conversation that he might have had last night and it all comes back as blank. Kurt is on an air mattress and he has no idea where it came from. He slides off his bed, moving as slowly and quietly as possible. He wants a shower, something that will maybe help warm him up.

"Where are you going?" Kurt asks, voice rough with sleep and he turns, feeling a little guilty that maybe he'd have worried Kurt if he'd woken up and found him gone.

"Just going for a shower. I feel like crap."

"Okay. I'll be here."

He kind of wants to tell Kurt he can go but at the same time it's nice knowing he has someone waiting for him, someone that cares enough. He smiles weakly, grabs his towel and other shower things before leaving his room. He can feel the need to cry and once he's under the running water he gives into it, the shower over his face making him feel less conscious about the tears. He doesn't take too long, doesn't want to worry Kurt and heads back to his room, towel wrapped around his waist feeling better but emotionally drained.

"Oh! Just… let me give you some privacy," Kurt says, flustered and stepping toward the door. He huffs and shakes his head, realizing that if nothing else Sebastian has been good for his self-esteem, he doesn't feel as self-conscious changing in front of Kurt as he would have a year ago. For some reason Kurt's wearing one of Dave's shirts and a pair of his sweat pants, which are  _huge_  on him.

"You don't have to leave on my account. Just turn around if it bothers you. Who got you the air mattress anyway?" He's talking to Kurt's back, drying himself and dressing quickly and hoping Kurt doesn't feel too uncomfortable, that the talking might distract him.

"Callum? I couldn't find your roommate."

"Peter's probably at his girlfriend's dorm. He'll be back tonight. He has all these stupid rules about how often he'll stay over at her place." He realizes in hindsight maybe that would have been a good idea, but it's a bit too late now.

"Okay, well Callum suggested I stay. And I phoned your dad."

"You…  _what_? Really?"

"Yeah, he should be here before midday."

Dave snorts, pulling his shirt over his head and when his head pops through Kurt is looking at him over his shoulder, turning and moving toward him.

"Dave, do you have  _any_  idea how worried I was…" warm hands take his and then he's being hugged, shirt sticking to his still damp back as Kurt hugs him fiercely. He hugs him back, carefully, hesitantly. It's weird. "I… I love you okay. You are  _so_  important to me and I will  _kill_  Sebastian for doing this to you. I told him I would."

He sighs. As nice as it is to apparently have Kurt very firmly in his court he doesn't want to start a feud. He steps back letting his arms fall and then running a hand through his wet hair.

"Just… leave it. Okay? For me?" Kurt's nostrils flair, Dave can tell he's about to argue and then Kurt just nods. His eyes are hard though and he suspects that while Kurt might  _say_  he's not going to do something he might be acting on the belief that what Dave doesn't know doesn't hurt him. He can't care about it right now. "Anyway, I had to get my heart broken sooner or later."

"No.  _No_. That's just… I don't know what he's thinking, but it just doesn't make sense."

He'd thought that himself yesterday, while on the train to see Sebastian, but of course now he knows better. That Sebastian has outgrown him.  _Them_. It hurts, but he figures he'll get over it. He's stronger now and he definitely doesn't feel alone. They go out for breakfast on Kurt's insistence that he needs coffee, after first taking a shower. It's a little weird to see Kurt without product in his hair, wearing clothes that are the same as the day before and also smelling like Dave rather than himself, having borrowed Dave's deodorant.

It's clear that Kurt doesn't want to leave him, obviously worried he might do something and he wants to reassure him, but it seems to fall on deaf ears. He's not suicidal. Upset, and sad and everything else… but he knows his life isn't over. Just the part of his life with Sebastian in it. That thought has him crying again and Kurt just hugs him.

**FAF**

Dave's father arrives at eleven and he feels like a huge weight has been lifted from his shoulders. He gets a bone crushing hug once Paul is finished hugging Dave and it's unexpected but still nice. He excuses himself to use the bathroom, wanting to give them some time alone and finding that the only at-hand excuse. He sees Callum and accepts that offer of coffee. He explains that Dave's father has arrived and they talk about inconsequential things for about twenty minutes before he decides he's likely given them enough time.

He knocks on the door before pushing it slowly open. Dave and his dad are sitting side-by-side on Dave's bed, Paul's arm around Dave's shoulders and he doesn't know what they're talking about but Dave is shaking his head.

"I'm not going to give him the fucking satisfaction…" Dave spits, and Kurt bites his lip, glad to hear that he's angry but also knowing that that anger can swing back to despair at any moment. He's still dealing with breaking up with Blaine and he knows that compared to this him and Blaine were amicable. Dave looks up at him. "Dad just suggested I quit school."

"What? No! I mean…" he takes in a deep breath. "Whatever you need…"

Dave snorts and Paul looks grim faced.

"I can't run away from every single thing that makes me sad."

"We'll talk about it. I just want you to be happy and… okay."

"I need to get on with my life. Sebastian was just a guy…"

Kurt pulls a face, because he can  _hear_  the lie, and Dave is crying again and he just wants to make it better but has no idea  _how_. He takes advantage of Paul being there, makes a quick a trip back to the apartment to get some clean clothes and toiletries, packing enough for three days and figuring he can just leave it all at Dave's; he suspects he's going to be spending a lot of time there in the near future.

The apartment feels empty when he gets there and he wonders briefly how Sebastian is. Sure he's worried more about Dave right now but something still isn't sitting right in his gut about how all this came about. He's certain he would have seen signs of it coming, as an outside observer of their relationship. Maybe that's why he didn't.

He feels like he doesn't know either Dave or Sebastian anymore.

**FAF**

The hotel room is impersonal and because of that it's  _perfect_. He doesn't want to have too many reminders of Dave around, although he knows he's going to have to face them all eventually. And Kurt. He's not looking forward to any of it but facing Kurt is something he's  _really_ not looking forward to and he feels miserable. He hasn't felt this bad since after Dave's suicide attempt and  _fuck_  he hopes Dave is okay. He hasn't messaged Kurt again, although he's started to several times and then deleted them all before sending. He's not stupid and he knows Kurt will question any sign of him  _caring_. So he phones the next person he can think of and he waits for her to pick up.

"Hello Seb sweetheart…"

"Hi mom…" god it's good to hear her voice. He takes in a deep shuddering breath, not sure why the sound of her voice is bringing him close to tears. "Mom… I fucked up."

"Oh Sebastian, what's happened?"

"I… I broke up with Dave."

There's silence at the other end of the line and he clenches his eyes closed, feeling even  _worse_  and this isn't why he called his mom.

"Oh. I didn't expect that…" He isn't going to ask what she  _did_  expect, because he doesn't care. "Can I ask why?"

"I…" the reasons why sound logical in his own head, but he suspects his mother won't agree with him. "He's in love with Kurt. And Kurt's in love with him. I was just… stepping out of the way."

His mother doesn't say anything, makes a non-committal humming sound which he's never liked the sound of and he scrubs at his face, skin itchy with dried tears (and probably drool and snot but he's determinedly not thinking about that). "I know I made the right decision it just doesn't feel very good right now."

"Well of course not. I can't imagine you were very tactful, it's never been one of your strengths."

"Thanks mom…"

"Sebastian…" she sighs. "I love you. I know you feel like you've done something right and honorable but I just fear that you haven't contemplated all the consequences or considered all the available options to you… and to Dave." He's pretty sure he has, and he knew it was going to suck, he just didn't expect it to suck quite this much. "I think you probably could have talked to him rather than just… cutting it off. He was your best friend as well darling. Do you need me to come and visit?"

"No, I'll be fine."

He loves the fact that his mom ignores him and is knocking on his hotel room door in less than 12 hours.

**FAF**

He agrees to see a therapist.  _Again_. It's one of the conditions of staying in school and he guesses it's a small concession to make if it makes his dad feel better. Also he suspects he's going to have a lot more free time now that he's single. He feels… bereft. Although flashes of anger appear suddenly and without warning. He knows he's going through a grieving process but he has to resist the urge to text Seb multiple times a day. It had gotten so bad he'd just deleted the contact in his phone, removing the temptation. Doing that had made him cry again.

His therapist is nice enough, one of the counselors that the university has, so it's convenient to fit in around his classes. He tells him about  _everything_ , needing to give the guy enough of a back story to understand why everyone was worried. After his first session he'd had his shoulder clasped and told he seemed to have his head screwed on straight. Today though he's frustrated, angry that he just can't  _move on_. He wants to not think about it  _all the fucking time_.

"Dave, you need to be a little easier on yourself. You've not only lost your boyfriend, and that relationship with him, but you've lost your best friend."

"I have Kurt."

"From what I understand from what you've told me Kurt brings different things to your friendship. That's fine. It doesn't make it better or worse. It's normal. Healthy. Did Sebastian say anything about remaining friends?"

"No," Dave says sharply, shaking his head. "I couldn't do that anyway I don't think... See him with… another guy." He almost says Kurt's name. He wonders how that's going to feel when they eventually get together. Wonders if he'll lose Kurt as well. God, he doesn't think he could stand that, to not have  _anyone_  anymore.

**FAF**

The apartment feels empty. Not just like Sebastian isn't home, but like he hasn't been home in a while and he feels a little trickle of ice go through his veins. It's been a week of radio silence, he's spent four nights in Dave's dorm room, which hadn't been pleasant with Peter in the room as well. He'd stayed at Adam's for a couple of nights, not wanting to face Sebastian yet either, not knowing what he was going to say to him. Right now he's worried, his anger decreasing to a simmer as he considers that maybe there are other things going on with Sebastian which he doesn't know about. He pulls out his phone and looks at the last message he received from Sebastian.

' _Can you please go and see Dave and stay with him. Make sure he's okay. Please._ '

He sighs and shuts the door with his foot, calling out Sebastian's name just on the off chance his intuition is wrong and Sebastian is in his bed. There's no answer so he walks up to his bedroom, pushing the door open, suddenly worried that he might find a dead body. Instead there's nothing changed from when he was here earlier in the week. Weird.

' **Are you okay?** ' he sends, wondering if he should say that Dave is fine, or at least  _appears_  fine and then decides against it. Sebastian can ask if he cares.

' _Just taking some time out._ '

That's not really an answer and Kurt rubs his face, wondering what the hell has happened to his life in the last week.

**FAF**

His mom's visit had been nice. They'd gone out, eaten, talked and she'd given him advice. Not that he really plans on trying to get Dave back, but he'd listened to his mom going on about how he wasn't the type to give away his heart lightly, and that that was why it was hurting so much. He's learning to function with the pain. He'll get through this. He knows he will. He just needs to remind himself of what life was like before Dave. Except he remembers just how much  _better_  it was with him.

He refuses to let his school work suffer, making himself study, and at least while he's studying his mind isn't wondering about Dave. He didn't think he'd miss him this much, but he does. He's not sleeping. His mind seems unable to switch off. He's taken to working out every day, trying to tire out his body physically. It hasn't really worked yet but he's pretty sure it's taken care of his sex drive, because he hasn't even wanted to jerk off, let alone consider anything else. He wonders how Dave is and knows he's going to have to give in and either text Kurt and ask or somehow find out himself. He's glad he's not at the apartment. Knows he wouldn't be able to stop from asking Kurt how Dave is.

The next day he decides to find out for himself. He knows Dave's timetable of course, and despite the warmer weather he wraps his scarf around his head and skulks around, just wanting to see him. He waits, sitting on a bench, empty coffee cup in his hand and watches students going in and out of the lecture hall, not really noticing when someone sits down at the other end of the bench.

"Sebastian."

"Kurt," he swallows, suddenly nervous, no idea how Kurt recognized him.

"What are you doing here?"

"Just… checking on him. Is he okay?"

Kurt's eyes narrow and he'd make a quip about his bitch face but he realizes he's just as relieved to see Kurt as he is about the potential of seeing Dave.

"Yeah, no thanks to you."

"He'll get over me."

"You're an idiot. I mean… I thought you were an idiot and an asshole a year ago, but then you lulled me into this false sense of security that you aren't  _actually_  as much of an idiot and asshole as I though and then… you go and do this. I don't know whether to slap you or feel sorry for you." He looks away, because he suspects that while Kurt slapping him might feel like something he deserves it's not actually something that Kurt will follow through on. "Dave is seeing a therapist again. He's deleted your number from his phone. He's trying to move on…" There's a sudden influx of students exiting the building and Kurt stands, waves his arm and he sees Dave wave back. "If you're serious about this whole stupid break up then you need to let him."

He watches as Kurt walks briskly away, going and giving Dave a hug and he swallows, teeth clenched at the spike of envy.

Dave'll be fine. So will he.

Eventually.


	10. APRIL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's note: Still more angst. Sigh. Thanks for trusting me that I will indeed start making this right. I don't know if anyone has been paying attention to the names of the chapters but they are months. I am projecting this fic will finish up in June/July, so anywhere between 4-8 chapters left.
> 
> Warnings: Vague references to depression, depression coping techniques (and abuse thereof – food/alcohol/exercise related), OMC/Dave (not explicit). (More detailed warning at the end – please read if you think these could be triggering for you and contact me for a revised version of the chapter).

 

 

**APRIL**

He goes to Adam's a lot to unwind, although he feels bad about him getting the brunt of his complaining about David and Sebastian being idiots. He still hasn't figured it out, feels like he's missing something from both parties. But he obviously can't talk to either Dave or Sebastian about it. Adam at least seems to appreciate the bind he's in and lets him vent for ten minutes, fifteen max, before forcing a subject change.

"I'm sorry to use you as my sounding board… ranting board. Ugh. Whatever it is."

"It's okay, it's what friends are for."

"To a point. You have to be sick of hearing about them. I know I am." Adam shrugs and Kurt can't believe just how good natured the guy seems to be. "Come on, tell me about your day."

"It was good. Productive. I have a date this weekend…"

"Oh, who with? Do I know them? Can I pretend to be the protective friend that threatens broken bones? Actually you know? I suck at that role…" he lets out a long sigh and Adam laughs, walking past and ruffling his hair, something he's gotten used to now. He's glad Adam is going out on a date, not hung up about him.

"You can try out your acting skills with him if you want. His name is Ryan. You want me to see if he can find a friend?"

"Ugh. No thanks. I have enough relationship dramas in my life without adding to it. Oh my god that's sad. SO much drama and none of it actually mine."

"Would you want it to be you?"

"No. Although I kind of feel like it's mine anyway, two of my closest friends. Please, if you get a boyfriend have a nice easy relationship okay?"

Adam laughs.

"I'll try my best."

"So when is the date? Friday? Tell me it's Friday, because I have two tickets to see the new show opening and I really don't want to have to drag Dave along. He's miserable enough without subjecting him to that." Adam knows about the season tickets he has, mainly because he's already moaned about the fact that he has no one to go with now that he and Sebastian are being slightly reserved with one another.

"I can come on Saturday, although are you sure you can't convince Sebastian to go with you?"

"We can barely say hello to each other right now, and that's when we're actually in the same room… I don't know how to help Sebastian. We only really started being friends because of Dave and now that he's out of the equation…"

"Do you want to be friends with him? Separate from Dave. "

Kurt lets out a long breath, thinks about Sebastian's personality, his brash arrogance and smug attitude that he's always in the right. He doesn't like him sometimes, and he knows that that feeling is mutual. There is however a respect there, and he does enjoy his company.

"Ugh. Yes. But only if it was alright with Dave."

"You live with Sebastian, it would be better if you were on friendlier terms with him."

"I've been thinking of moving out."

"Is that actually feasible? Financially I mean."

Kurt sighs and rolls his shoulders, because it's not, not if he wants to eat. He has savings, and he could get a job, but he also knows the reason he's doing so well in classes is because his life is fairly stress free. All he worries about is Dave and Sebastian.

**FAF**

It's incredibly fucking weird now, living with Kurt. It's almost like it was  _Kurt_  that he broke up with rather than Dave. Their conversation is stilted and polite, not the easy relaxed friendship they had before and he misses it almost as much as he misses Dave. They don't hang out, say the bare minimum of words to each other and have actually go days without seeing each other. It's awkward as fuck and he wonders how long it will be before Kurt tells him he's moving out. Or if he'll just come home one day and find him gone.

He knows Kurt isn't home every night, spending anywhere between one to four nights out. He assumes he's staying in Dave's dorm room and he tries not to think about it too much, figures that Dave probably needs the company. He needs the company too but he has no idea how to ask Kurt to hang out, particularly when he suspects Kurt would just laugh in his face. He knows Kurt is still angry with him for hurting Dave and he can't blame him, he'd be just as pissed off with Kurt if he'd hurt Dave.

He wakes one morning, smells coffee and can hear someone rattling around in the kitchen. It's rare that he catches Kurt at home and he wants to see him, maybe start a conversation.

"Morning."

"Morning. Coffee?"

"Yeah. Thanks."

He watches as Kurt pours him a coffee, adds the perfect amount of sugar and slides it across to him. The simple act makes him ache, that even though they might not be talking very much right now Kurt is a close enough friend to know how he takes his coffee. For once the silence feels less awkward than usual and he lets himself relax a little, wondering if he should ask how Dave is.

"I… can I ask you something?"

"Mmm?" Kurt hums, eyes narrowed and he decides that asking after Dave might  _not_  be his best idea.

"How did you recognize me, that time outside Dave's class?"

Kurt looks surprised at the question and he lets himself feel a little accomplished at still being a little unpredictable.

"Your scarf. How many students do you think walk around with a Ralph Lauren scarf on?"

"Huh," he hadn't considered that.

"Also you looked incredibly suspicious and then I recognized the scarf…" Kurt pauses, chewing his bottom lip. "Have you tried to see him again?" He shakes his head, because he hasn't. Doesn't want or need to see Kurt and Dave hugging again. Once was bad enough. His imagination doesn't need any more ammunition. Kurt sighs. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm fine."

"Hmm…" Kurt doesn't look like he believes him.

**FAF**

Dave hadn't really made many friends in his dorm before, or in his classes, and he realizes now just how isolated he'd made himself by spending the majority of his time with Sebastian and Kurt. Not that he's spending less time with Kurt, but they've taken to cooking together in the communal kitchen, which leaves a lot to be desired when compared with the kitchen in the apartment but he hasn't heard Kurt complain once. They've made lasagna and eaten it straight from the pan while watching something random on the TV affixed to the wall in the corner. It's nice, as is the fact that everyone on his floor now knows who Kurt is, greeting him by name when he turns up and not even blinking an eye when Kurt is still there the next morning. Sebastian didn't come to his dorm room very often.

He's been filling his spare time with studying and going to the gym. He's never been so far ahead in his classes, always well prepared and he knows the lecturers and teacher aides have noticed, calling on him in class and he's stopped caring what people think of him. Good grades are something he can keep hold of always. It's something he repeats to himself like a mantra every time he feels like shit when he thinks of Sebastian and the loss of what they had

Though he also has moments when he feels strengthened. They're brief and usually followed by a period of feeling like he would do anything to get Seb back but he holds out. He doesn't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with him.

Spikes of jealousy hit him sometimes, the fact that Kurt still gets to see Sebastian whenever he wants and he gets down about it. Kurt never mentions Sebastian though, and most of the time he's grateful for that and others he just wants to break down and beg Kurt to tell him how Sebastian is, what he ate for breakfast, what grade he got on his big presentation. He doesn't though, and he wonders how the hell he hasn't yet given in to the temptation; then reminds himself that he might not like what Kurt will tell him.

He tries to focus on the positives in his life, tells himself they far outweigh the negatives but in the quiet of the night he can't deny that it doesn't feel like it's the other way around and he lets himself cry. He tries not to give in to the tears when Kurt's staying over, but he'd woken up crying one night and Kurt had sat on his bed, hugged him and petted his hair and he doesn't remember falling asleep after that but knows he must of.

Sometimes Kurt comes to visit grinning, telling him he's just been hanging out with Adam but he wonders if Kurt says that anyway, so he doesn't feel hurt that Kurt has maybe been spending time with Sebastian. He tries not to care. After all, it's not Kurt's fault Sebastian broke up with him so he could ask Kurt out.

**FAF**

He's noticed Sebastian is working out a lot more, coming up from the gym in the apartment block covered in sweat, stripping his clothes off as he walks toward his room and he knows it's not a conscious decision on Sebastian's part, that he's always seemed happy walking around half-dressed. Today though he can't help but stare. Sebastian's body used to be  _solid_ , lean and well-toned, but now there's a lack of mass and he looks like he's been working out and not eating…

"You're not eating..." he says, not really meaning to say it out loud but it stops Sebastian's forward movement and he turns slightly.

"Yes I am."

"Not properly. You've lost weight," Kurt states.

"Thanks."

"It wasn't a compliment." He realizes that Sebastian ate whatever was put in front of him, whether it was himself or Dave doing the cooking, jointly or separately, they always ensured Sebastian got food. Not that he feels responsible for Sebastian but thinking of the number of times he's had to remind Dave to eat… "Let me start cooking dinner."

"You don't need to look after me Kurt."

"Well maybe I want to," Kurt snaps, frustrated beyond belief when he realizes that it's true. He pulls out bowls and ingredients with unnecessary force, taking his anger out on the kitchen utensils. He doesn't have a lot of choice in what he can make, it has to be omelets with nothing else available. He really should start eating at home more. He beats the eggs, chops some peppers and cheese, decides against the shriveled mushrooms and sets about making dinner.

He hears the shower going, and he's grateful at least that Sebastian doesn't seem to be wallowing in a pit of unwashed despair he suspects that there is definitely  _some_  despair going on. He wonders if he can get Sebastian to  _talk_  about it, or whether he'll get shut down like every other time he's ever broached the subject of  _feelings_. He pauses mid-poke of the omelet, remembering roughly a year ago when Sebastian hadn't needed any prompting to scream his feelings at Kurt. He'd been angry. Thinking Dave was so in love with Kurt that he'd never stand a chance. That of course had been complete and utter rubbish.

He huffs out a breath and rubs his face. Despite all the thinking he's done he  _still_  doesn't get why Sebastian has split up with Dave. He knows feelings can change but looking back he can't recall any evidence to suggest that had been the case. The opposite in fact seemed to be true.

"Smells good…" Sebastian says as he enters the kitchen, pulling his shirt over his head and Kurt can see more closely the lack of muscle.

"Hmm. Yeah. It's ready."

**FAF**

He has mixed feelings about Kurt looking at him. He has always been vain and appreciated admiring glances. Kurt shouldn't have eyes for anyone but Dave though. He knows that it is incredibly hypocritical to think it, but he wants Dave to have the best. His eyes always admire others, and even if Dave had said it didn't bother him he always suspected that it did. Conversely he'd always noted that Kurt only ever had eyes for Blaine when they'd been together. He wants that for Dave.

He just has to keep reminding himself of that.

**FAF**

"So… I'm going on a third date tonight. Want to come along and make it a double date?"

"Third date in a fortnight. Nice work."

"That doesn't answer my question."

"I'm good thanks, stay home and be a hermit, watch Netflix…"

"Your place or Dave's?" Kurt groans, because he really doesn't want to hang out with either of them right now. He just wants to  _blob_ , not talk or listen to anything, just be on his own. "Tough decision?" Adam asks.

"No. I'll go and see Dave. I haven't seen him in three days with school."

"You know you can be a little selfish. If you want to go to my place and just hide you can. I can give you my spare key."

He's tempted. Very tempted but finds his head shaking automatically.

"Thanks, but I really want to see Dave. Feels weird having not seen him in so long."

"Well if you're sure. Offer still stands. As does the double date."

"Thanks. I'll see you later…"

They give each other a quick hug and he lets himself take solace in the warm strength for a brief moment before heading toward the exit. He doesn't bother texting Dave until he's arrived at his campus, sending a quick message just saying he'll see him soon. He takes the steps two at a time, greeting those he passes. He's looking forward to seeing Dave now that he's here and he knocks briefly before opening the door to Dave's dorm room.

Dave is standing in front of the little cupboard which passes as a wardrobe, wearing nothing but his jeans and white tank top. Huh.

"Hi Kurt…"

"Hi, was wondering if you wanted to hang out tonight…"

"Uh. I have a date."

"Oh."

"Yeah. I… it's… I didn't know how to tell you. It's not a big deal. We're just going to a game. I can cancel if you like?"

"No!" Kurt insists, noting that Dave sounds far too hopeful, that he'd  _like_  an excuse not to go and he wonders if Dave is ready to actually start dating. "You should go. Even if you don't want to, it's good to go outside your comfort zone."

"No, I feel bad. You've come all this way to see me –"

"And I've seen you. Maybe we can grab a quick coffee on your way out? Come on, are you trying to pick a shirt?"

"Uh yeah, trying being the operative word. I… I don't know if I want to look good or not. Is that weird?"

"No. Wear what makes you comfortable. You're already going to feel uncomfortable enough going on a date. What's his name? Do I know him?" Kurt asks, gently pushing Dave to the side so he can rifle through his clothes.

"Riley. I don't think you've met him. He's a member of PFLAG here on campus and stopped me yesterday handing out fliers…"

"There you go then, you've already caught his eye just being yourself. And rightfully too, you're a catch."

Dave huffs and shrugs on the shirt Kurt is holding out. He realizes belatedly that it's the shirt he made Dave for Christmas, the one which has a coordinating shirt made for Sebastian.  _Oops_. He bites his lip and doesn't mention it, hoping Dave doesn't mind or remember; although he doubts it.

Dave doesn't say anything as he buttons it up for him and it feels alarmingly intimate and he steps backward when he's finished, not remembering the cupboard is behind him and tripping on a pair of Dave's shoes and generally feeling like an ungraceful idiot. Dave seems too distracted to notice and Kurt lets out a shuddering breath, forcing himself to calm down a little.

**FAF**

He and Riley walk away talking about the game and he has to admit to himself that he's missed this. Kurt is great, but talking sport with Sebastian is something that he's missed and Kurt cannot replace. Not that he expects Kurt to, but Kurt definitely seems to have filled in enough of the void that Seb has left that it worries him. It's what had been his main reason for accepting the invitation to the date tonight; despite his obvious hesitation Riley had been charming enough to make him want to spend a little more time with him.

He'd convinced himself that is was a good idea, would send a message to Kurt that he wasn't looking at him as a romantic partner, (regardless of whether Kurt even thought that was a possibility). Also a part of him wants it to get back to Sebastian, that he's  _moving on_  and can do fine without him. Even if he's pretty sure those are both lies. Fake it until he makes it. He rubs the hem of his shirt between his thumb and index finger, wondering if Kurt chose this shirt on purpose. It was one of his favorites and holds  _a lot_  of memories. He hasn't stopped thinking about Seb or Kurt all night.

"I should have listened to you when you said no huh?"

"Uh, what? Sorry?"

"You really don't seem like you want to be here." Dave opens his mouth to object but closes it again and shrugs, making an apologetic grimace. "Well, let's just chalk it up to experience and part ways here shall we?"

"I'm sorry…"

"Hmm. I kind of keep expecting the  _it's not you, it's me_  talk and we're only on our first date. But I think I'd totally believe it coming from you right now…" Dave heaves out a long sigh, shrugging again, not really ready to open up to a guy he only met yesterday. "Well, you have my number. Let me know when you sort everything out. Give me a call."

He's surprised by the kiss to his cheek, watches as Riley turns and walks away, is still watching when Riley looks over his shoulder and waves his hand in a little wave. He waves back, wishing he didn't feel so all-over-the-place right now.

**FAF**

He's only had a glass of wine but his head feels decidedly light and he nurses his second glass in the dark of the living room, not wanting to get up and turn the light on but also liking the dark around him, the lights from the city through the window offering a very muted half-light. He doesn't expect Kurt home tonight, he's been home the last three nights, the longest he's gone without staying at Dave's. When he hears keys in the lock he sits up a little straighter, surprised.

"Hi…" Kurt says, and he sounds tired.

"You're not staying at Dave's tonight?"

"No, he's out on a date."

Sebastian blinks. Sets his wine glass down on the table and then picks it back up, takes a big drink and then sets it back on the coffee table again.

"A date."

"Mmmhmm..."

"Wait. What? Why aren't you with him?"

"Because he's on a date..." Kurt says slowly, like he thinks Sebastian missed the point.

"But he's meant to date you."

" _What?_ "

"That's how it was meant to work out..." Sebastian mutters, head thumping back into the leather with a thwump, eyes sliding closed.

"Are you serious?" Kurt asks, his voice louder and he opens his eyes to find Kurt standing above him. He shrugs. "Oh my god, you're serious.  _Really_ Sebastian? Oh my god. You're a bigger idiot than I thought. Firstly, much as it pains me to say this, I consider you my friend.  _Ugh_. I am not going to hook up with Dave and live a happily ever after him when he's so obviously in love with you. It doesn't matter  _what_  he feels for me. He loves  _you_."

"He loves you too," Sebastian mutters belligerently.

"Bullshit. Maybe he thinks he does, but he doesn't."

"Open your eyes Kurt. Sure it might have just been a crush for him a year ago, a type of infatuation. But since then? Your friendship and just hanging out with him... Us. He told me he loves you."

"Be that as it may, he also loves the Rangers and I don't see you forcing him to watch the Mets."

"The Mets are a shitty team."

"Oh my god! I  _don't_   _care_ , my point is even if he loves me, which I highly doubt, it doesn't change the fact that he loves you and wants to be with you."

"Yeah well, if that's the case why is he on a date with some other guy?"

"Because you're a fucking idiot who won't pull his head out of his own ass."

"Fuck off," Sebastian mutters, standing and stomping down the hall after steadying himself on his feet.

"You know I'm right!" Kurt calls after him and he slams his bedroom door shut.

**FAF**

He groans when there's a knock on his door. He waits, half expecting Kurt to come barging in and demand a rundown of his date but the door remains shut and he slits one eye open, glaring at the door. He likes his sleep-ins on Saturdays. There is another knock and that confirms it isn't Kurt. A quick glance across to the other bed confirms it's empty and that whoever is knocking probably wants to see him. He swings his legs out and stumbles over to the door, still half asleep and hoping he can get back to sleep.

"Seb –"

"Dave…"

"What are doing here?" He feels stripped bare, not prepared for this at all; being dressed only in his boxer briefs makes him feel doubly exposed. It doesn't help that Sebastian can't seem to stop staring and he crosses his arms, pulling the door closed and resting against the door jamb. Sebastian looks tired, gaunt like he hasn't been getting enough rest and he wants to ask but reminds himself how much Sebastian has hurt him, pulls up the anger he feels and lets it feed him.

"I –" Sebastian starts and Dave isn't used to seeing him look uncomfortable. "Kurt told me you had a date last night."

"Yeah. I did. So?" Sebastian's eyes flash and he's not sure if Sebastian is angry, has no idea  _what_  Sebastian would have cause to be angry over. "Look… is Kurt okay?" Dave asks, wondering if that's why Sebastian is here and the idea of something happening to Kurt makes him sick with worry but Seb is already shaking his head, saying that Kurt is fine and at home. That single word  _home_  feels like a punch to the gut and he sucks in a deep breath.

"How was it? Your date?"

"What?" Dave asks, eyes narrowing, and he shakes his head slowly, realization washing over him. "I'm sorry Sebastian, but you gave up the right to vet who I date when you broke up with me."

He steps back and shuts the door, slumping against it and lets himself go, tears sliding down his face silently. He doesn't hear anything on the other side but knows Sebastian won't hang around looking at a closed door. He wipes his face and walks over to his bedside table for his phone, sending Kurt a quick message. He needs a friend right now.

**FAF**

He can't get to Dave fast enough. Sitting on the subway willing it to go faster, second guessing his decision not to get a cab despite knowing that he'd just be stuck in traffic above ground. He runs across the dew-damp grass and up the stairs, throwing sorry's over his shoulder as he goes. He doesn't even bother knocking at Dave's door, just pushes the door open and stops at the scene. Dave sitting on his bed playing Xbox in nothing but his pyjama pants. Pyjama pants he knows Dave hardly wears except for Kurt's own modesty when he stayed over.

"Hey Kurt. Thanks for coming..."

"Anytime..." Kurt manages, settling down beside him, sucking in a deep breath. Dave gives him a one-armed hug and pauses the game before setting down the controller.

"You... did you run here?"

"Of course I ran Dave; you sent me a text saying you needed me."

"Oh. Oh  _crap_. I just... I didn't mean for it to sound like a life or death situation. I need you to stop thinking the worst. I just need... a friend right now. It's just... Seb came by earlier."

"Oh.  _Fuck_ ," Kurt says, letting out a long breath and blowing his bangs out of his eyes. He hasn't even had a shower, although he'd need another one right now anyway. "Sorry. That's probably my fault. I told him about your date when I got home last night..." Kurt says apologetically, and he wonders if he should add what else Sebastian said last night.

"It's okay. Was just weird seeing him again. And it just seemed like he came over to see if I really had a date... kind of like, he doesn't want me but he doesn't want anyone else to have me either."

"Uh... yeah. Something like that..."

"It's messed up."

"Mmm..." Kurt hums in agreement, because he's starting to realize exactly why Sebastian broke up with Dave. He doesn't think it will make Dave feel any better though. It's  _definitely_  messed up, in fact that doesn't even begin to explain it.

"He didn't look so good… is it weird that I'm glad he's got you looking out for him?"

Kurt shakes his head.

"You don't stop caring for people, even when they've treated you like shit." He decides not to mention his own concerns about Sebastian's appearance. "Anyway, I'm only there under sufferance because he loves you."

He realizes it's the wrong thing to say when Dave's face crumples and fresh tears start pouring down his face, his head shaking and the barely decipherable words  _but he doesn't love me anymore_  sobbed out. Kurt knows better to argue, knows now after last night that Sebastian  _does_  still love Dave even if he has an incredibly warped way of showing it. He moves and wraps his arms around Dave, letting Dave rest his head on his shoulder and rocks them gently, rubbing his hand on Dave's back soothingly.

The tears don't last long and he pulls away slightly to find Dave staring at him intently. He licks his lips, realizes that sitting side-by-side, legs pressed against each other while on Dave's bed is far more intimate than buttoning Dave's shirt up last night. He swallows, breathing shallow as Dave's hand reaches up to cup his jaw. He presses his face into it; place a barely perceptible butterfly kiss to the fleshy muscle of Dave's palm. Dave's thumb brushes over his cheek bone and Kurt feels a full-body shiver.

"Please Kurt?"

He pushes down the swell of guilt rising in his gut, running it through his mind that Dave needs this, that it will make him feel less alone. He doesn't pretend to not understand what Dave is asking, hopes he can deal with his own conscience after just last night saying to Sebastian that he  _wouldn't_. He kisses him softly, gentle, hoping it conveys how much he cares. It isn't a sexually driven kiss, but he can tell that it wouldn't take much for that to change, his body already responding more than he'd like. Pulling back he puts a little more distance between them, leaves their fingers touching and the soft smile Dave gives him has him smiling back despite the sick feeling of guilt.

"You're not dating Sebastian…"

" _What_?"

"I just… I thought that was maybe why he broke up with me. So he could be with you."

Kurt blinks rapidly, knows his mouth is hanging open, head is moving back and forth slowly. He'd thought Sebastian an idiot, but now he's convinced both of them are. They  _really_  have to talk to each other.

"Trust me when I say that Sebastian is  _not_  interested in being with me. Although I do need to talk to him."

"Uh, okay…?"

"Oh, not right now. Later. Just… I think you two need to talk."

Dave snorts and he lets the subject drop for now, his mind racing now that he can see both Sebastian's and Dave's totally misguided view of each other's relationship with him.

**FAF**

The sour acidic smell of vomit greets him as soon as he pushes the door open and he pulls a disgusted face, quells down the urge of his own stomach to hurl and flicks on the light. He can't see Sebastian hovering in the shadows and he  _really_  doesn't want to step in vomit. He frowns then, his mind catching up to the reason  _why_  there is vomit.

"Sebastian?"

He moves quickly, walking through the apartment, looking and calling out Sebastian's name. When he pushes the door open to Sebastian's bedroom the smell is overpowering, although he still can't locate Sebastian himself. The bathroom light is on though, door ajar and he pushes the door open further with his foot.

"Oh  _fuck…_ "

Sebastian is lying on the floor, a floor completely splattered with dark red which he hopes is red wine and not blood. He kneels, instantly relieved when he feels a pulse in Sebastian's neck. He feels overwhelmed for a moment, trying to figure out what he needs to do first. He has no idea how much Sebastian has had to drink, has never seen him like this.

"Sebastian! Wake up…"

He's not surprised he doesn't get a response and he wonders if rinsing him down with the shower fixture is a viable option. It isn't an overly  _nice_  option, but right now he needs to wake Sebastian and rinsing him down will have the added benefit of getting rid of the vomit. He turns the water on to warm, removing his shoes and socks and rolling up his pants with a moue of disgust. He continues to talk to Sebastian, hoping the little grunts and groans he hears is Sebastian slowly waking up. He starts rinsing the floor, glad the bathroom has a drain for the shower built directly into the floor.

Sebastian's clothes are covered in vomit and he knows he's going to have to help him get undressed. He shakes his head and then settles the shower head over Sebastian's prone form, unable to get his head around the thought of Sebastian being selfless, and what he's done  _is_ , in a weird and twisted way.

"Ugh!"

"Yeah, hi… this wasn't a nice thing for me to come home to. Fuck I was scared," Kurt says, voicing his fear for the first time. Sebastian grunts, moving to sit and lean against the toilet. "You're an idiot. Do you have  _any_  idea how much Dave loves you? Any at all?"

The glare Sebastian gives him has zero effect and he wonders when he became immune to them. Of course the fact that he's dripping wet, white shirt stained red with what has to be vomit consisting of red wine and not much else.

"Pretty sure there are better people for him than me," Sebastian slurs and Kurt feels a little vindictive pleasure that he's going to get to have this conversation with Sebastian while he's still drunk.

"Right now I am going to agree with you, because you're acting like the biggest asshole on the planet, but don't you think it's  _Dave's_ decision to make whether he wants to be with you or not?"

"Don't you think it's my decision to not be with him?"

Kurt frowns, because he does have a point, and he didn't think Sebastian would have been capable of actual argument in his state.

"If I believed you actually wanted to not be with him we wouldn't be having this conversation. You're miserable. He's miserable."

"And what, you're not still miserable from breaking up with Blaine?"

"I  _was_  miserable, and yeah, I still think about it occasionally and feel sad, but I haven't drunk myself into blacking out."

"I didn't black out."

"Oh  _really_? I think me finding you passed out in your bathroom lying in your own vomit paints a different picture." Sebastian grunts in response, fingers starting to work on the buttons on his shirt. He wonders if Sebastian would listen to him about talking to someone, because he suspects that he might need to. "Oh great, and now you're getting naked," Kurt mutters.

"You're the one that turned the shower on me."

"Come on, let me get you a towel. You can clean up the rest tomorrow. And then you're going to talk to Dave.  _Properly_."

"It doesn't matter. Dave's never going to want me back. Or forgive me."

"What did you do that needs forgiving?"

Sebastian shrugs, fingers working at the button on his jeans.

"Oh my god!" Kurt says, throwing a towel in Sebastian's general direction. "You… you know what I think? I think you deliberately drove him away.  _Why?_ "

"I don't deserve him."

"Oh for fucks sake, cut the woe is me bullshit. You used to think you deserved an entire fucking harem, my ex included. What's changed?"

"I don't deserve him," Sebastian repeats and Kurt sighs.

"Well right now you definitely don't. I'm going to sit outside while you have a shower, make sure you don't slip over and give yourself concussion. If you don't already have it. Oh my god, you didn't bump your head did you? That would explain a lot."

"Ha ha. You're a riot. Now leave unless you want a full show."

A part of Kurt is tempted to sit and watch just to screw with him but he settles on the floor outside and keeps up a stream of idle chatter, his mind fixated on how he can fix both his friends' lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Depression coping techniques for Sebastian include his use of exercise to exhaust himself physically and not taking care to eat and maintain a healthy food intake for the increased activity he is doing. Sebastian is also drinking and there are repercussions of that.


End file.
